Page 30 of Murder & Mayhem
“Do you want me to stop calling you that? I don’t want to upset you, even unintentionally.”
Jamie finally turned his head to me, his eyes as dead as his voice. Was it bad that I’d take the sadness back over this? At least it was an emotion.
“No,” he said quietly. “It’s not the same. This you isn’t the same as dream you. At least not to me.”
I wanted to hug him so fucking badly. I recognized touchstarved when I saw it, and Jamie was beyond touch starved. But I wasn’t sure if it would be welcomed, so I held back, even if it was killing me.
“No, I’m not. I have no idea what that asshole dream me did, but I fucking promise you that I’d rather cut my hand off than hurt you. That might be extreme and a little insane considering we barely know each other, but it’s true.”
Jamie huffed in amusement. “I don’t know if that statement is what’s more insane or the fact that I believe you.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. “Jamie, sweetheart, can I hug you? You can say no,” I reminded him.
He shook his head but leaned into me at the same time, leaving me confused at what he wanted. “I don’t want to say no.”
Good enough for me. I should probably ease the boy into me, but it was late and I was exhausted, and we were both so strung out that I was past the point of restraint. I wrapped my arms around him and dragged him into my lap.
Jamie squeaked, but he didn’t try to stop me, even when I manhandled him until he was facing me. Tentative hands wrapped around my shoulders, light at first, but as I continued to hold on without any complaints, his grip got tighter too. Then he rested his head against my shoulder. I adjusted us so my back was against the headboard. Jamie was basically kneeling on either side of my legs, with his ass down and resting on my thighs. I brushed my lips over the top of his head. “Good boy, that’s it, just relax now.”
Jamie sobbed, but it wasn’t the draining, hopeless ones from before. This was a cross between a laugh and a cry.
“You smell so good. And feel so good. I should be scared. Why am I not scared?”
“Oh, beautiful, you’re breaking my heart. It’s not easy, but Ihope one day you feel safe enough to accept good touch without questioning it. Sometimes a hug can just be a hug.”
Jamie sighed softly and buried his face farther into the space between my shoulder and neck. I rubbed my hands up and down his back, careful to stay above his shirt.
“That sounds really nice.”
I swallowed back some emotion. “It is, baby boy. It really is.”
Jamie got quiet after that, and his breathing slowed enough that I thought he fell asleep. He was still holding on tight, so I did too. If this was how he finally got rest, I was happy to let it happen.
I closed my eyes, letting the exhaustion take me over. We’d have to get up and on the road in only a few hours, and coffee and willpower could only push a person so far.
I drifted in and out of consciousness for a while, so I couldn’t be sure that what I heard was real and not only in my imagination. But as the blackness almost completely enveloped me, I swore I heard Jamie say, “Thank you for giving me my first real hug. Maybe I do know how to feel safe after all.”
I tried to speak because that deserved a response, but the fog of sleep was too much and I was out within seconds. I’d have to tell him tomorrow.
CHAPTER 12
JAMESON
Igot a solid three hours of sleep before things started to happen at whirlwind speed.
I couldn’t remember a time I’d slept so soundly. And it was on top of another man, drooling into his fucking chest. But Dominic’s arms had been strong and secure around me, his body like an anchor holding me in place. I’d never thought that was how I would finally be able to let go enough to get some much-needed rest. Even the thought of sleeping in a bed with another man would typically have me running for the hills. Just the idea of being trapped in arms much stronger than mine would have me shaking in fear. But I craved it. I cherished every single fucking second of the hours I’d gotten to enjoy Dominic’s hold, knowing it would likely never happen again.
A cell phone ringing woke me up. My eyes shot open, body tense as everything that had happened last night came rushing back. But Dominic only smiled sleepily at me and kissed my forehead.
“It’s okay, beautiful. It’s my brother. He probably has an update.”
Dominic’s arm tightened around me as he reached with the other one for his phone on the nightstand. “Talk to me, A.”
I could hear Ari’s voice but not his words. I let my eyes drift closed again, cocooned in Dominic’s warmth. Did he even notice how his thumb traced circles in between my shoulder blades? What would that feel like without the fabric of the shirt between us?
Dominic stiffened, causing me to freeze. Something was wrong. This was no longer safe. I was no longer safe. I had to move, get away before I was punished for whatever was bothering him. But, like fucking usual, my body betrayed me and I froze, paralyzed by fear and indecision in an angry stranger’s arms.
Dominic kissed the top of my head and his thumb started to move again, as if he could see where my mind had gone. I sucked in a deep breath and physically willed some of my tension to leave. My guard was still up, but I mostly convinced myself that it was all okay and he wouldn’t hurt me.
