Page 32 of The Devil and I
Sushi it is.
Chapter Nineteen
Rayna
The early morning light pours in through the window and pulls me from sleep. When I open my eyes, I glance out the window and see clear blue skies overhead. It's bright, so it takes my eyes a few moments to adjust. The rain from yesterday made all the heavy greenery surrounding Lucas's home look even more vibrant today. It's a beautiful day.
I'm still laying across Lucas's chest, my arm draped over him. I don't want to move quite yet. The bed is so soft, and he is so warm. His bedroom is incredibly comfortable. I don't even mind the distinctly masculine feel of it.
Something sparkles in the corner of my eye, dazzling in the direct morning light. I stare down at my hand where it rests above Lucas's heart. It takes a few moments for my mind to register what I am seeing, and when I do, I can't help but gasp audibly. There, on my ring finger, is a pale band littered with diamonds of various sizes. At the center of the ring is one big, sparkling gem. I have never seen anything as beautiful as this ring in my entire life. My mind blanks out as I stare at it.
“Marry me,” Lucas tells me suddenly with that low, rumbling voice of his. I must have been in a state of shock because his deep and soothing voice startles me a little bit.
He says those two words like a command, like his statement is a fact I can't dispute. I gaze up at him, tears starting to gather at the edges of my eyes.
“You want to marry me?” I ask him, emotion causing my voice to crack as I hold back the tears threatening to spill. It really wasn't that long ago when I thought my life was over, and here Lucas was promising me a future I never even dreamed of.
“Iwillmarry you,” he corrects, that signature arrogant grin of his making his mouth look sinful again. “I just want to be clear about what that ring means.”
I can't help but smile up at him, which causes those tears I've been holding back to fall from my eyes. “Oh, it's clear. I just... I wasn't expecting it.”
“I figured. I ordered the ring a few days ago, and it arrived yesterday,” he explains as he pulls me closer, planting a kiss on my forehead. “I hope you like it.”
For a moment, I don't even know what to say. I've never owned anything like this. I never felt I deserved it, especially growing up with parents that didn't like to spend money, and getting stuck with an uncle that straight up refused to. Any bit of money I made had to be used to pay for the things I needed, never for things I simply wanted.
“Lucas... it's... it's so beautiful. I can't believe how beautiful. It's looks like a ring a queen would wear.” I bring the band of stones closer, my eyes roaming over the many rainbow facets.
“Youarea queen, Rayna. You're my queen.”
I let the tears fall, although they are quiet, because I know I am safe in this man's arms. I cry because I'm happy, and I never imagined happiness was in my future.
Lucas saved my life. He took my pain away and replaced it with everything good. Now, he is telling me that we will be spending the rest of our lives together. He will protect me, and he will love me, and he will give me a future I was never supposed to have. That is worth crying for.
***
The drive into Toronto was quiet. I spent the majority of the ride gazing thoughtfully out of the window, trying to decipher the reason behind the anxiety surging inside of me. Turns out, I don't want to be in Toronto anymore. I don't want to go back to my apartment, nor do I want to collect my belongings.
My life before Lucas was dismal at best, and horrific at its worst. Perhaps it is a byproduct of the amalgamation of my mental illnesses, but the last thing I want is to bring my old life into the new one Lucas and I have been creating together in his secluded forest home. I like this new life of mine, and the idea of mixing it with my old existence feels a lot like sacrilege.
Thankfully, Lucas has been nothing but understanding and supportive. He noticed how quiet I had become and managed to pull the truth out of me like sucking poison from a wound. When I explained everything, he gave me his phone to call the movers and make new arrangements. The movers, who were paid handsomely, agreed to dispose of the majority of my belongings, leaving only a box of books, my laptop, my phone and my clothing. Everything else was currently being collected by a local junk removal company.
I still can't believe Lucas is real, or that he is mine at all. For all the darkness living inside of him, he is equal parts one of the most loving people I've ever met. Perhaps his previous endeavor to become a psychologist made him more empathetic and understanding, but I can't get over how willing he is to accommodate me. He truly seems happy to take care of me in ways that aren't exactly traditional.
One of my favourite things about him is the way he exists outside of society's preconceived notions of what a man should be. It's clear to me now why he created this noble police officer persona for the outside world. He has a lot of darkness in him that society would never tolerate, and he has done a lot of things that would land him a lifetime in prison. While I understand he is not a normal person, I can't exactly say I'm normal either. At the end of the day, society can make their demands on us and expect us to conform... but Lucas has no desire to appease the world. He and I exist together in our own little universe now, and I don't ever want to leave it.
I asked Lucas if we could take food home instead of eating at a restaurant, and he agreed without hesitation. I am grateful for that, because I don't feel quite ready to re-enter society. My arm is still bandaged and healing, and I still have a lot of things I need to work through.
As if he sensed my thoughts and emotions without me having to tell him, Lucas made an offer to connect me with an old friend of his that was working as a psychologist in a nearby city. Although he didn't have to, he reminded me I should talk as little about him as possible, to help keep him well under the radar. He didn't need to ask, because I would protect him with my life at this point, but I understood why he did.
However, when I explained I didn't have the funds to see anyone, he laughed. I was a breath away from being swamped by feelings of shame, but he quickly explained himself. Lucas apparently forgot to mention that he is independently wealthy thanks to some real estate investments, as well as investments in the stock market, and I wasn't expected to pay for anything anymore.
Of course, I protested. I was raised in an environment that if I wanted anything beyond necessities like food and housing, I'd have to work for it. I paid for everything I owned at this point, so it was a hard pill to swallow. Lucas wasn't lying when he told me he needed to be in control. He reminded me that since he was about to be my husband, that meant he would be taking care of all of my needs from here on out. He didn't leave any room for argument there.
As we drove along the quiet streets surrounding my apartment, Lucas slipped his hand between my thighs to rub small circles there. He must have sensed my growing anxiety and sought to soothe me with his touch. I was grateful for it, because his hand was the grounding force I needed to calm myself as we pulled up in front of my apartment.
Lucas parks on the street in front of my door, and although we exit the car together, we both head in different directions. As he walks over to talk to the mover that has been waiting for us, the four boxes I am keeping stacked at his feet, I head straight for the front door.
Left slightly ajar, I give the door a gentle push to open it all the way. It bounces gently off the wall parallel to it as I step inside. Dread immediately rises inside of me, but I push it back down with a deep, steadying breath. The last time I crossed the threshold of my front door, I was leaving with the intention of ending my life. Doing it now, although feeling completely different, still feels uncomfortably strange.
