Page 101 of Stone
“I’m not adorable at all. I’m a fucking mess.” I’d yet to take a shower. I needed coffee fed to me intravenously and I was certain I’d end up going to hell.
“You’ve never been a mess, Dani. Not once.”
Very cautiously, I looked to my right. He was sitting beside me in the same position, his arms wrapped around his folded knees while he stared out at the ocean.
The lapping waves weren’t the only early morning sound. Birds of several varieties were singing to the morning’s glory, their chirps and clucks normally a lovely greeting. I also heard the rapid beating of my heart, the thudding sound captured in my ears.
I’d thought of ways of explaining the situation to Stone, but the words wouldn’t come.
“Do you hate me?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” he finally muttered. “I don’t know what to think or how to feel any longer, but I don’t hate you. We’re both victims. What am I saying? All three of us…”
“You don’t need to say anything. I know you’ll never forgive me.”
“What’s there to forgive, Dani? You weren’t told the truth either. Am I pissed you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth that you were pregnant? I can’t lie and tell you I’m not. I just…” He raked his hand through his hair, his expression a deep scowl.
“No, I wasn’t told the truth and it’s killing me. And I’d wanted to tell you so many times, but I didn’t know how to. You have no idea how much I’ve suffered and how I’m feeling right now. As if my heart was ripped from my throat. Being with you remindedme of how much I’d lost. That we’d both lost. I’m so sorry. I’m so angry. I hate my father.” I squeezed my eyes shut. This was much harder than I’d thought it would be. “I hate myself.”
There was tension, but we were both very emotional.
“What happened? Why didn’t you feel like you could tell me?” I’d only heard such agony in his voice once. On the last night I’d seen him before he’d left for boot camp. “The last I knew you were fighting to be able to go to art school.”
“I tried. Believe me, I tried. After learning I’d been accepted to the school in London, my dad threw a fit. He wanted me to go to Georgetown to study international relations.”
“I remember. But you’ve always been so talented.”
“He made it clear he wouldn’t pay for something as lowly as art school. I made a deal with him that I could take some art classes. We settled on VCU. Then I found out I was pregnant.”
“When? We talked twice after I left.”
“I know. It was right before I was ready to leave for college, but I was sick almost every morning. It didn’t dawn on me that I might be pregnant. I was on birth control. Anyway, when I found out, I was already three months pregnant. My dad threw a fit and wanted me to have an abortion. I said absolutely not. I still managed to take classes, but it took me a semester longer.”
“I had no idea.”
I shrugged. “By that point your calls were infrequent. After the last call when you told me to go live my life, I was crushed and didn’t know what to do. I was afraid of trapping you and that was the last thing I wanted, Stone. I hope you can believe me.”
His sigh was so heavy, so full of emotion it almost broke me. “Didn’t you know that nothing you could have said or done would have made me feel trapped?”
“I was a kid. I was terrified. My father wanted nothing to do with me. So I just… remained quiet. I know it was wrong, but by that point, my father was insisting I put the baby up for adoption. Trust me, I fought him. By then I had a job and was determined to make it on my own if necessary. I was just so lost, Stone. So very lost.”
At any moment I expected him to explode with anger. He didn’t. When he reached for my hand, I shuddered, a strangled moan erupting. The burden I’d carried for so long had felt like a noose around my neck. Now there was just regret and guilt, anger and uncertainty. But at least he knew. And I knew.
“We have a son,” he said, his tone full of quiet reverence.
“I can’t believe my father told me he’d died. I didn’t feel it. Don’t you think a mother knows when her child is gone?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. What I do know is that your father is both convincing and conniving. Maybe something inside that warped mind he has was telling him he was doing the right thing for you. That he was protecting you. From me. From my family. Or from some dirty little secret. I don’t know, but I will find out. That boy in there doesn’t deserve to be spoon fed any additional lies.”
When he took a deep breath, I turned my head toward him. “I didn’t mean to lie to you.”
As he squeezed my hand, I allowed a single additional sob to escape. “I know that. I wish you’d told me a day ago. A few days ago. It hurts, Dani. It really does hurt.”
I shifted so I could face him, pulling my hand free and cupping his chin. As I rubbed my thumb across his growing beard, he nuzzled against my hand. “I never wanted you hurt under any circumstances. I didn’t know Tyler was alive. When the doctors told me he’d developed a heart condition, there was no reason for me to question them. Except I wasn’t allowed to see him. Not once. They told me it was because I’d be too upset since I was already close to being hysterical. I just… I guess I believed them.”
“Like I said. Your father is very convincing.” He took my hand into his again, bringing my palm to his lips.
“I thought you’d hate me.”
