Page 100 of Ebbing Tides
From the corner of my eye, I saw the side of Sid’s mouth begin to twitch into a smile. “Oh, yeah? And what the hell do you think you're gonna do instead?”
I swallowed, laying my hand on Lido's back and allowing his constant, unconditional companionship to soothe my shaking soul.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course you can, Serg,” Sid replied with a reassuring nod.
I clenched a fist in my lap and worked my jaw from side to side before asking, “Do you think I'm …”
The words tied themselves around my tongue, hanging on for dear life as embarrassment, shame, and ever-persistent fear tugged at the strings dangling from my aching heart. It had hurt for so long that I wasn't sure when the pain had begun. But it was progressing, it was killing me, and I needed to do something before it had the chance to finish the job.
“Do I think you're what?”
I bit at my bottom lip, then spit out, “Do you think I'm worthy?”
His brow furrowed with confusion. “Do I think you're worthy? Of what?”
The fist in my lap uncurled, and I flattened my palm, lifting it in a shrug. “I don't know. Family. Life.” I pinned my lips between my teeth before uttering, “Love.”
Sid grunted a chuckle, shaking his head. “Serg, you know better than to ask me stupid shit like that. You know what I'm gonna say.”
“Then maybe I just need to hear you say it,” I said.
His eyes glimmered with acknowledgment and mischief. “And why is that?”
“Because I'm going to Connecticut, Sid,” I said as the hand at the nape of Lido's neck clenched gently in his fur. “And I need you to tell me that I'm not going out of my mind. I need you … I need you to tell me that it's worth it.”
Sid sighed, then ran his hand over his mouth and chin. “Serg, I—”
The front door opened, and in walked Grace, carrying a few bags. When she saw us together, a smile stretched across her lips.
“Hey, guys,” she said. “I stopped at Daddy's and got his clothes together for the funeral.”
“You okay?” Sid asked, reaching out to her, beckoning her toward him with his hand.
With a rueful sigh, she accepted his gesture, held on tight, and nodded. “It was rough, but surprisingly, I'm more okay right now than I thought I'd be. For now anyway.”
He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles, and Grace sighed again, a look of serenity on her face.
I knew that look.
It was relief.
And I missed it. Ineededit.
That was why I had to leave. That was why I had totry.
“I'm gonna order a couple of pizzas,” she said, releasing his hand and heading toward the kitchen. “Max, you wanna stay for dinner?”
“Nah,” I said, shaking my head but smiling still. “I have to get going. But thank you for the offer.”
She turned to glance over her shoulder. “Of course.”
Then, once again, Sid and I were alone.
He was quiet for a moment. Maybe he wanted to make sure she was going to stay gone for a bit. Maybe he just didn't know what to say. There was a first time for everything after all.
But finally, he said, “I've known you a long time, Serg. Like, a really long time. We grew up together, you and me. We becamementogether. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think, maybe, you've always seen love as a bad thing. Like, not only are you unworthy of it, but that it makes youweak. But, dude, love isn't your weakness. It's what kept yougoing. Every fuckin' bump in the road … it was the possibility of being loved or loving someone else that kept you looking forward, kept you from drinking yourself to death, kept you from throwing yourself into the fucking ocean. And, brother, there's nothing weak about that. There's not a single fucking thing weak about you. You're the strongest, most badass motherfucker I’ve ever known, and you are more than worthy of that woman and her kids.”
