Page 105 of Meet Me in the Valley
“Yeah, okay.” I clear my throat. “I’m sorry. I’ve never done this before, and I’m pretty nervous. It’s weird because I’m usually really confident. I never get nervous, not really. I don’t think. Uh,” I ramble, scrubbing a restless hand over my face as I work a way to get my mind to slow down.
I try breathing slow, deep breaths, but that only seems to shorten them somehow. I try rolling my shoulders away from my ears to release the tension there, but it snaps back like a rubber band.
Charlotte’s calm demeanor keeps me suspended. Her warm smile coaxes me slowly out of my head. It’s amazing, really. No words. Just energy.
“It’s okay, Logan. You can set the pace here. We don’t have to rush into anything.” Her voice flows steadily, like a river.
I set the pace.
The tips of my ears flame as a quick rush of embarrassment flushes my skin. I’m so out of my goddamn element here, but I refuse to punish myself further.
“Okay. I’m ready now.”
The fan above me spins in hypnotizing circles. The cool brush of air pricks against my damp, bare chest, but I ignore the discomfort the chill brings me.
I reflect on my time with Charlotte. The hour went by in a blink. It was so easy, yet the hardest thing I’ve ever done all at once.
But it was a start. It was a step in the right direction for me. As I watch the fan blades blur, spinning around and around in an endless loop, I can’t help but compare the way they turn in circles to my time with Charlotte.
Maybe that’s how the first time feels—an endless loop of uncertainty. I’m definitely going to see her again because this time with her was just a small scratch on the surface. She wouldn’t unlock the deepest parts of me yet because as I watch the blades chase each other in circles, I’m terrified of what will come out when I stop moving.
When I stop running.
I learned I thrive on the need to control my intimate relationships. I need to get ahead of the curve before I’m the one left behind. I learned I don’t like to be left behind. Honestly, it’s shit I already know. No mind-bending epiphanies. No life-altering self discoveries. Just Logan stuck in that endless loop of bullshit.
But Charlotte will get me there. She’s consistent like that. Disarming and smart. I knew that from just one hour with her. Until next week when I see her again, I have work to do. So much more work to do.
I’m completely spent—mind and body. There are aches in every point of my body that hold tension. Bringing my hand to my chest, I rub the space there.
This ache.This one is the worst of them all.
I thought about Tia the entire hour. Fuck, I’ve been thinking about Tia every second of every day since she became mine.
Still mine, even if I’m not hers.
We’ve gone no contact, but not in malice. The way we left things that night left us both suspended in the air. Her words spin in an endless loop, exactly like the whirring fan over me.
“We have to let each other go.”
That sinking feeling in my stomach is there again, dragging me down like an undertow I can’t fight.
Tia wouldn’t want this for me. She doesn’t want me to fall deeper. To fall in on myself. After being with Charlotte today, it was proof not only to Tia, but to me—that I don’t want that for me.
I can hear Charlotte’s praising voice ringing in my head, helping me cut the weights off my ankles and bring me back to the surface.
“That’s good, Logan. Really good.”
I was doing good, even when I felt like a failure. Especially when I felt like everything coming up for me was worthless, or unimportant, or stupid.
Charlotte reassured me, telling me the first time can often feel awkward. It wasn’t her at all. I was hyper-aware it was allme. But I loosened up as we got into the swing of things, and we fell into an easy rhythm.
I let out a harsh breath and push off the bed, peeling the towel from around my hips. At the dresser, I yank open a drawer and step into a pair of briefs. My phone buzzes. Still drying my hair with one hand, I reach for it with the other and check the handful of notifications lighting up the screen.
Valerie
Want some company later? You seem off at work. Maybe I can help?
Hot Bartender on 6th
