Page 1 of Ward
One
Ward
My house isn’t conducive to babysitting a one-year-old. I’m a big guy, so how does it seem like everything I own is within Laney’s reach? Since she got here just a couple of hours ago, she’s already managed to pull herself up onto every piece of furniture in here, clearing end tables and ottomans of junk trays, books, pillows,trash… When did I accumulate so much shit, anyhow?
“Uh oh.” She gives me that big, gummy smile every time she does something naughty.
On cue, I walk over to pick up the picture frame she swiped off the TV stand. It’s got a crack now, but no big deal. I never even put a picture in it—it’s still just got the stock photo that came with the frame. I wanted to, intended to. I just never could do it.
“Uh oh,” she says as soon as I set it back and she knocks over the next thing.
The game of uh-oh is never ending. I could just leave it there, but she’s looking at me with those big blue eyes, bubbly with anticipation.
My phone rings from the other room, and her face brightens up even more. “Pone!”
“You know the word phone?” I lift her up into my arms and go to answer. It could be Penn or Hearth, calling to check in on Laney. They’re on their “babymoon,” since Hearth is due with baby number two in a few weeks. Both of their moms live close by and would normally babysit, but Hearth’s mom is at some big art show in Gatlinburg and Penn’s mom had a pre-planned girls’ trip in Charlotte which goes for another week, and Lord knows she deserves it. They’re both saints and deserve to take some time for themselves, too.
Would be nice if even one of the other firemen would get married already, or at least find a girlfriend. We’re the strangest group of bachelor firefighters—all except Penn. But he’s always been a little weird. Not Dante weird, but weird in his own right.
I wonder if Hearth and Penn know that when this little one starts really walking on her own, they’re in trouble.
“Pone!” she squeals out as it continues to ring.
“Yes, phone. Someone’s calling me on the phone. Very good, Laney.”
I glance at the screen and see it’s Hank calling. My elderly hermit neighbor who only contacts outside life in the event of an emergency or so-called “serious” complaint. I have to answer.
“Hey, buddy.”
“This is Hank,” he says brusquely.
“I know, Hank. Nice day out, huh?”
“Sure,” he grunts. “Nice. Listen, Ward. I need you over here ay-es-ay-pee to change out the batteries in these here smoke detectors. They won’t stop chirpin’.”
I peer down at the baby in my arms. She’s smiling and content right now, but we’re three hours away from naptime. She could wear five or more different personalities in that span. “I’ve kind of got my hands full over here, Hank—”
“It’s really botherin’ my tinnitus. My brain’s gonna explode here soon,buddy,” he says in a disingenuous manner.
“They’re all chirping?” I ask.
“All of ’em!” he shouts indignantly. “Eh it’s fine. You’re busy,” he says disappointedly. “I’ll just call the fire department have ’em come out. You know I’m too old to get up on them ladders I got in the shed, dang thing’s probably rusted anyhow—”
“Don’t call the fire department, Hank.” The guys at the station get pissed over these kinds of bullshit calls. They find out I was right next door, even though my house isn’t super close toHank’s, they’ll give me shit. But there’s no way I can bring Laney over to Hank’s house. His house is even worse than mine in terms of how suitable it is for a baby; much worse. I can’t bring the little Tasmanian devil there, and I definitely can’t leave her alone here.
My brain hatches a plan that comes out of my mouth before I can think it all the way through. “Look, Hank, I’ve got a kid with me but if you just give me an hour to drop her off with a friend, I can come right back and change out those batteries. That work for ya?”
“The fire department’ll get here sooner’n that!”
“City might charge you for the trip though. Who knows what that’ll cost ya…” I actually have no idea if that’s true or not but I’m trying hard to dissuade him. One thing about Hank, he does not like to spend money on unnecessary things. It’s a wonder he has so manythings. He’s just old and has never thrown away a thing in his life.
“Charge me?!” he hollers. “To help an old man!”
“Terrible, ain’t it? But you don’t have to deal with them, I won’t be long, Hank. You just sit tight.”
“Did I mention I gots tinnitus?”
“You did, hey, hang in there. Maybe go outside while you wait. Weather’s nice.”
