Page 94 of When We Were More
“My feelings for you are more than friend feelings,” she whispers. Hope rises inside me. “But I can’t let us move forward without you knowing why I’m hesitant. What makes me so afraid. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, and I’m not naïve enough to think I’m not still affected by my past. This past week is a perfect example.”
“Okay. Can I hold you while you tell me?”
When she nods, I lean back against one side of the couch, and she crawls between my legs, finally finding a comfortable position, then rests her head on my chest.
“I need to say it all at once, and then if you have questions, we can talk about them. Okay?”
“So, don’t be my usual self and interrupt you, is what you’re saying?” A sweet chuckle escapes her.
“Yeah, I guess that is what I’m saying. Here goes nothing.” She takes a deep breath in, then exhales.
“How you are with the girls, the way you love them, I didn’t have that kind of relationship with my father. I wanted it, though. So badly. When I was young, around eight, my dad and my sister, Claire, used to go on bike rides a few times a week. I always wanted to go, but they would leave before I could get myself together. One day, though, it occurred to me that if I wasalwaysready, then I could join them. So, every day, after school, and every weekend morning, I would get my bike and helmet out and make sure I had tennis shoes on. Then I would wait. That didn’t work. I still got left behind.”
She pauses and takes a few more deep breaths before continuing.
“Then I got smarter and started waitingonmy bike, near theirs, so that I wouldn’t miss them. When the day finally came that everything lined up, I was beyond excited. My dad, though, was annoyed, and Claire whined that it wastheirthing. But my mom made him take me. Not because she was standing up for me. She wanted to go shopping and didn’t want to have to take me with her. So, he was forced to take me.”
I fight back anger, thinking about a darling young Matilda having to fight so hard for scraps of affection from people who should have offered it in abundance. I kiss her on top of her head and force myself to remain silent.
“For the first few blocks, it was okay. My dad and Claire were up ahead and didn’t talk to me, but I was able to keep up, at least. Then my legs started getting fatigued. They both had ten-speed bikes and could go fast. I had one of those little kid bikes with solid rubber tires. If you’ve ever ridden one, you know it’s a lot of work and definitely not meant for long bike rides. I was falling behind, so I tried harder. I was pedaling super fast, but they got four or five houses ahead of me, and the distance between us kept growing. Neither of them glanced back.”
She reaches up to wipe both sides of her face with the backs of her hands. My heart aches for her.
“My legs hurt, but more than that, I was afraid. Afraid I was going to get lost. Or that one of the cars driving by would hit me. I tried my best to keep up, Henry. I kept thinking, if only I tried harder, my dad would remember I was back there. I called out for them, but I guess they were too far away to hear.” She takes a deep breath and then continues. “Eventually, I couldn’t go any farther. I stopped. I was at a point where I could still figure out the way back home, but soon that would no longer have been true. So, I turned around and walked my bike home, crying the entire way. When my dad got home, he grounded me for leaving and making them cut their bike ride short when he finally realized I was gone.”
I tighten my hold on her. If I could wrap my body around hers and protect her for the rest of her life, I would.
“That’s how things were. I spent my entire childhood trying to work for my dad’s love. My mom didn’t hurt me as badly because she was apathetic to both Claire and me, most of the time. But I saw thatmy dad could love because he clearly loved Claire. But I couldn’t figure out what I needed to do to make him loveme.To make him want to spend time withme.”
She lifts a hand to signal she needs a minute, and I lean down and kiss her temple. While she told me the story, fury flowedthrough my veins at what her father put her through. What the hell is wrong with him?
“Okay, I’m ready again.” She clears her throat. “By the time I met Joe, I was low-hanging fruit. All he had to do was show me some affection, whisper lies about how much he loved me, and what our life would be like together. I bit, hook, line, and sinker. Believed everything he told me.
“It was all an act, though, and it changed once we got married. He became more and more controlling, limiting activities where I might have made friends, and bullying me into cutting my work hours to near nothing. He diminished any accomplishments I had, and he made me ashamed of my body by repeatedly telling me all the ways it didn’t meet his standards.”
She sniffles a few times and wipes furiously at her tears.
“I did it all, Henry. Whatever I thought would please him, I tried. It didn’t make him love me more, and it didn’t stop him from having an affair. By the time Gram and her gang helped me get out, I was a weak, broken mess. That’s what love does to me. I become that woman, and I can’t risk it happening again. Not after everything I’ve done to get free.”
We sit in silence for several seconds, so I assume she’s finished speaking.
“Can I say a few things now?”
“Yeah.”
“Will you turn and face me?”
I take her scrambling around as a yes and scoot myself until I’m upright. When she doesn’t seem to know what to do with her legs, I tell her to wrap them around me, and she blushes. After all the things the woman and I have done to each other’s bodies, this makes her embarrassed. Still, she does it.
“Good. I need to be as close to you as possible for this.”
Her eyes widen, and I can’t stop myself from kissing her. So, I do, and we get lost in each other for several blissful minutes.
“Mmm, I like that answer,” she says.
“Oh, tiger, that’s not what I wanted to say. That was because I can’t resist you. I’ve got plenty to say. Watch me with those beautiful blue eyes of yours so I can be sure you hear every word.”
When her attention is on me again, I cup her face in my hands.
