Page 65 of When We Were More
They stay with us for about ten minutes, but then we encourage them to continue on and enjoy all that the town has tooffer tonight. They have a few more shops to complete their tour around the square.
Chelsea, their second youngest, is champing at the bit to get down to Bella’s Booze and Books, the combination bookstore with a small corner sectioned off for a mini bar serving wine & local craft beer. I’m pretty sure she’s going to fall in love with the display of Santa’s library that Bella came up with this year. It’s cozy and charming, but also beautiful. Chelsea loves books, and I’m betting she’ll go absolutely wild when she sees it.
When they’re ready to go, Ruthie stands and hands Chase off to Troy, then says goodbye to them and tells me she’s going inside to check on Sally and Lester.
As Shannon and her family walk away, I watch them, and my heart is thrilled for my friend. The kind of love they have is something I think most people dream of but rarely find. I’m surprised when, after being divorced for five years, there’s a twinge of pain in my heart from wondering why I couldn’t have that.
What could I have done differently to end up in a marriage like Troy and Shannon have, instead of the cold, abusive one I did end up in? Yep, I’m going down that rabbit hole, and that gets me thinking about Troy, and not only what a good husband he is, but what a great dad he is. His love for his family is obvious. When it comes to the kids, I’ve watched to see if he favors one over the other, and I don’t think he does.
So, if fathers don’t always favor one child over another, what is it about me that my own dad didn’t love me as much as he loved my sister, Claire? Hell, it’s not even past tense. He still doesn’t love me like he loves Claire. Spending time with Claire was always his first choice. But me? He never chose me. He tolerated me, at best. I can’t figure out what I did—or am still doing—that keeps him from caring more for me.
A single tear rolls down my cheek at the same time I hear a familiar, sweet voice calling my name.
“Tillie! Tillie!”
I turn my head in the direction the voice is coming from, and see Layla skipping to me, full of joy. I quickly wipe that solitary tear away and plaster on a smile. Then I steal a quick glance at Henry and see concern on his face. I don’t hold his gaze. I can’t. It doesn’t matter because we’re just friends. Friends don’t have to tell each other everything. Thus, he doesn’t need to see this ugly part of me. It might make him less interested in the benefits part.
Layla comes in hot for a hug, and I don’t refuse her. Normally, I wouldn’t hug someone’s kid without their parents’ permission, but I’m pretty sure my choice is between potentially irritating said parent and hurting this little girl’s feelings. I’m more than willing to irritate Henry if it means saving Layla from hurt. She wraps her arms around me, and I squeeze her tight, looking up at Henry, who’s smiling now as he watches Layla and me.
“I didn’t realize you were coming to this.” Okay, I sound lame.
“Yep. It’s our first one, and someone motivated me to get out and make some friends in the community.” He winks at me.
“Tillie, did you know that Rudolph flies around the town square at night to tell Santa when all the kids are in bed? Then he goes back and reports to Santa before they start their trip.”
I decide I should play along.
“I did. I bet you’ll be in bed plenty early so he finds you’re asleep when he gets to the cabin, right?”
Layla nods, her eyes wide.
“I will for sure! Lena, too. But she’s still little, so Santa will understand if she wakes up at night, right?” Worry mars her cute face.
“Yes, Santa will understand. Don’t worry. Do you want to know something else?”
“Yes,” Layla answers immediately, her full attention on me.
“I have a present for you and one for Lena. I’ll give it to you when I see you after Christmas.”
Layla grins, and I see a gap where she’s missing a tooth. It makes her smile even more adorable.
“I have one for you, too. I made it special. You’ll love it.” I’m thrilled at the confidence this little girl has, and I’m aware a large part of that is because of how everyone treats her and how Henry raised her.
I peer at Henry to find him holding Lena close and stroking his hand down the back of her head repeatedly as she fights sleep. When he plants a sweet kiss on top of her head, I’m pretty sure my ovaries stand up and cheer. I force myself to turn away. Witnessing what a wonderful dad he is does nothing to help keep my heart in check when it comes to our situation.
Before anyone else can speak, Sally steps out of the hardware store, and Layla runs over and hugs her.
“Hi, sweetie. Would you like to go inside for a few minutes and have some hot chocolate? Your little nose is red from the cold.” She bops the end of Layla’s nose and earns a giggle. Sally looks over at Henry, who nods his approval. Then Sally and Layla are off inside.
“Is this seat taken?” Henry gestures to the chair next to me, and I shake my head. As he sits with a now-sleeping toddler in his arms, I notice how good he looks in jeans, a thick sweater, and trendy winter boots.
With how he’s cradling her, Lena’s facing me, and she looks angelic. Without thinking, I brush some hair off her forehead. It hits me then that maybe that’s not okay. I dart my eyes up to Henry’s face to find him looking at me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think?—”
“Tillie, stop. It’s okay. I’m glad you like the kids, and they like you. It’s okay.” His free hand reaches over and lightly squeezes my shoulder. I assume he meant it to be reassuring, but it also seems affectionate. Especially when his hand lingers, and his thumb rubs back and forth over the skin on my neck. “You looked upset when we first walked up. Is everything okay?”
I force a smile and glance over at the town square. It’s too difficult to look at him right now and answer that question.
