Page 70 of Tales of a Monstrous Heart
Stop.I bit down on an anguished sob and ran. Stumbling over my own feet, heat flushing my skin, ripples of pain searing through my chest. Catching myself on one of the last shelves, which had lowered itself – as if to assist me. The house creaking with unease.
‘Please,’ I whispered, overcome with a terrible childlike panic that made my blood run cold. Nauseous with my energy as it built.
Moving weakly for another passage amongst the shelves, only to find myself stumbling into my room. The house putting me where I needed to be most.
A relieved sob slipped from my lips, my trembling legs finally giving way as I crawled to the hearth like a wounded creature.
Thrusting my hands into the newly stacked wood, a horrid cry leaving my lips – the hearth engulfed in bright blue flames. Surging from me violently, scorching the mantelpiece as they tore up the chimney, brutal in their intensity.
Kysillian fire that left me gasping for breath as my now trembling palms rested against the cold tiles before the fire. The iron burns on my wrist throbbed but I couldn’t catch my breath long enough to care.
Of all the things I’d suffered, I wanted to press the feelings down. To bury all my emotions. But they poured through me, horrid and bitter. I’d allowed fear to make me mad. Make me subservient and weak. I’d allowed them to win.
No matter what I did, I couldn’t escape the guilt. What I’d allowed myself to become.
Through tear-filled eyes I looked down at the burns on my wrist. No balm would heal them, only time, and I’d just have to suffer until it did.
Just like all the times before.
It was all just a game. I’d forgotten that no matter what I did, nothing would change. I was lesser than them and I always would be.
‘Kat?’ Alma called, her worry sounding so distant to me, but suddenly she was there, crouched before me. Her cool hands a blessing against my cheeks.
Those green eyes so wide with distress. ‘What happened?’
‘I … I don’t know,’ I sobbed, wilting in her arms as the horrid wailing left me, muffled only by her shoulder. Again. I’d almost done it again. Allowed myself to be consumed by the rage of the fire. Felt it simmer so close to surface, knowing if I let go there would be nothing left.
‘It’s all right,’ she whispered in my ear, her hold tight and firm as she began to rock us. The intense heat of the fire was unbearable but she stayed. ‘I’m here.’
Here. She always had been. In this nightmare with me that only made me hold her tighter.
‘Montagor is here,’ I whispered, like a child afraid of a shadow, my breath catching on my sobs.
‘Montagor?’ She pulled back, pupils lengthening to resemble those of a snake. ‘I thought he was busy raiding fey villages in the north on one of his witch hunts .’
‘I don’t know.’ I shook my head, unable to understand any of it. Another tremor ripping through me as I pulled from her grip, dragging myself closer to the fire.
Fearful I’d lose control again. Needing the release.
There was movement and then the running of water. I dragged shallow breaths in through my teeth, holding onto the cold stone, bowing over to rest my flushed brow against it.
Please,I begged helplessly in my mind, uselessly, knowing there was nobody listening.
Then Alma’s hands were a firm pressure on my back, soothing circles until she gripped under my arms.
‘Come on,’ she urged, trying to get me up, but my limbs trembled too wildly. As if I was about to come out of my skin. Losing control in my panic.
I shook my head but those hands became claws, a commanding pinch in their hold.
‘Up,’ she demanded, stronger now as she pulled me gently to my feet.
I didn’t feel any of it, strangely numb as she quickly got me out my confining day dress, stripped me down to my slip, but my trembling became so bad she put me in the cold bath still wearing it. My hands curled into fists around thewet fabric, sucking in short breaths through my teeth. The water warmed quickly with my burning skin and steam rose before me. I focused on it, on anything but the wildness of my magic as it streaked through my veins.
I bent over my knees as I let those tears drip into the water.
Alma’s hand found mine where it gripped my shin beneath the surface, as she rested her cheek on the tub. Simply waiting. Taking watch like an ancient wyvern over a precious nest.
I found my eyes fixed on the shadows of the room beyond, making sure they moved with the firelight. Not knowing if what I saw in the study was real. But eventually I relaxed enough to rest my head on the side of the tub next to hers, exhaustion almost dragging me to sleep.
