Page 74 of How to Kiss a Hawthorne Brother
His words are a live wire to my skin. I take a steadying breath. “Since I got back?”
“Since . . . forever.”
Intense longing swells in my chest. I could give in. Let it take over and whisk me away to a world where Brody and I might actually be happy together. But even sharper than the longing is the same visceral fear that’s been chasing me all week.
What if I hurt him?
What if I end up leaving?
What if I try to stay, and it doesn’t work?
It’s easy to imagine all the traveling my work requires driving a wedge between us just like it did my parents. I’m not sure the volatility of my traveling life is something Brody would even want in a relationship. Honestly, it’s not somethingIwant. Leaving is always easier when there isn’t someone you’re leaving behind. There are so many uncertainties, so many possible outcomes, and too many of them end with pain. Especially if Brody has had feelings for me all this time.
A few hours ago, I wanted to be reckless. I wanted tofeel.And for what? Will it have been worth it if it ends up hurting Brody? I could tell he was hesitant to get out of the car. He was probably trying to protect himself. But I pushed for this. I asked him to stay.
Tiny pinpricks of pain explode across my chest.
If I do leave Silver Creek, and odds are pretty good that I will even if I don’t take the job in London, tonight will have been a terrible mistake.
It will mean Iusedhim. Took advantage of his feelings, and for what? Because I wanted his arms around me? Because I think he’s sexy, and I’m impressed with the way he handles a kayak?
I feel the falsity in my words even as I think them. There is so much more to how I feel about Brody than that. But I am also no closer to figuring out what the next chapter of my life is supposed to look like. And until I know, I can’t toy with his feelings. I can’t risk hurting him worse than I already have.
I fall asleep still curled in Brody’s arms and don’t wake up until weak sunlight filters through the front windows. I’m alone now, a blanket draped over my shoulders. I don’t have to look out the window to know that Brody is gone.
A dull ache fills my heart, radiating outward. I already miss him. But the longer I’m awake, the more I remember. And the more I remember, the more the ache shifts into sharp discomfort.
My phone buzzes beside me, and I look over to find it charging on the console table beside the couch. I didn’t plug it in last night, which means Brody must have. Found my charger and left my phone where I would be sure to find it. My heart squeezes behind my too-tight ribs.
There’s a text from Brody waiting for me when I pick up my phone.
Brody: Had to go feed Charlie. Call me when you’re up? I was thinking I could make us some breakfast. We have a lot to talk about.
Does he remember I’m supposed to fly out today? Does he think I won’t go after last night?
ShouldI not go after last night?
When I’m cocooned in his arms, it’s very easy to imagine giving everything up. The London job. All of my traveling. I could just stay here with him. Let him take care of me. But for how long? The novelty of our new relationship will eventually wear off, and then what? I can’tonlybe Brody’s girlfriend. And I don’t know how to be anything else in Silver Creek. If I stayed, could I still be a writer? Could I still be me?
Somewhere in the back of my mind, a tiny hope pulses to life.You can, Kate. You can make it work.But the thought only wakes up the fear I can’t seem to escape.
I pull the afghan Brody draped over my shoulders a little tighter. It still smells like my grandmother, and tears suddenly pool in my eyes. Grandma Nora was stern, like my mother. She ran a tight household and had high expectations, but her edges were always a little softer than Mom’s. No matter the state of things between me and Mom, Grandma Nora always found ways to make sure I knew I was loved.
Then I left her.
I ran away because it was easier than dealing with Mom. Because I was so terrified of turning intoMom and was too selfish to put anyone else’s comfort over my own. Even when Grandma Nora died, and it felt like one of my guiding stars had fizzled out, I still didn’t come home.
A fresh wave of shame washes over me.
I am not very good at loving people.
Brody might not realize it yet, but everyone else who is close to him does. That’s why Olivia and her mom seem so worried about me being here. His family doesn’t trust that I won’t hurt him.
I look down at Brody’s text. I don’t want to hurt him. And I wouldn’t. Not on purpose. Never on purpose. But if I can’t love him like he deserves, wouldn’t that be hurting him too? Brody doesn’t deserve to compromise. He shouldn’t have to settle.
I pull the afghan off my shoulders and slowly fold it before draping it back over the couch. I’m still wearing Brody’s hoodie, and I pull that off, too, placing it on the cushion next to me.
I sit with my hands resting in my lap for a solid twenty minutes. Breathing. Thinking. Soaking up the stillness.
