Page 180 of How to Kiss a Hawthorne Brother
But I still walk away. I’m too full of nervous energy to stand in one place, too overwhelmed with the complexity of my emotions. I keep waffling back and forth between fear and inadequacy, and a driving need to be with Lila, to take care of her. Logically, I know there is a balance somewhere. That no relationship exists withoutanyfear. But agreeing to spend time with Jack has had a bigger impact on me than I expected it to. It’s like it woke up some narrative in my head telling me all the reasons why I’mnotgoing to be a good father.
Not so coincidentally, the narrative sounds an awful lot like Jocelyn.
I stop and take a steadying breath, closing my eyes against the whir and hum of the crowd. I don’t need my ex-wife in my head right now.
When I open my eyes, Lila is right in front of me, waiting in line at one of the tables selling Stonebrook Farm hot apple cider. My first impulse is to hide, to dive behind the vendor booth to my left, but I don’t think Ann from the Feed N’ Seed would appreciate me upending her tables of festively decorated sugar cookies.
Finally, Lila looks up and notices me. When she smiles, the narrative in my head, the fear, the doubt, it all quiets and stills, then fades away completely. Now, there’s only her.
I can do this for her.
Her eyes dart to Jack before she looks back at me. She’s nervous too. I walk closer, watching as she reaches out to take the cider, tucking one of the cups into Jack’s waiting hands. She puts the other cup back on the table and reaches into her purse, but I jump forward, stopping her with a hand to her arm.
“These are on the house,” I say.
The teenager working the cash box at the table gives me a nod and turns to the next customer. I’ve never seen her before, but she clearly knows who I am, because she doesn’t question.
“Thanks,” Lila says as we step away from the booth. She looks down at Jack. “Can you say thank you to Mr. Hawthorne for the cider?”
Jack takes a slow sip, the resulting slurping noise making me smile before he offers me a lopsided grin. “Thank you, Mr. Hawthorne.”
“Oh hey, look at that. Have you lost a tooth since I last saw you?” I crouch down so we’re eye to eye.
Jack nods. “Yep. This one right here.” He points to his left front tooth, sticking his tongue into the hole the missing tooth left behind. “And this one is loose too,” he says, wiggling the other.
“Which is why we’re drinking apple cider tonight instead of eating caramel apples, huh?” Lila says.
“Mommy says I can have a caramel apple at home when she can cut it into teeny tiny pieces.” He holds his fingers up, his thumb and pointer finger creating a tiny bit of space, his little eyes squinting as he shows me just how small his pieces of apple will be.
“That sounds like a great plan.” I stand back up, my eyes skating over Lila.
I’m struck again by how effortlessly beautiful she is. Jocelyn used to talk about how much effort itactuallytook to look effortlessly beautiful, but there was never anything effortlessabout Jocelyn’s look, no matter what she called it. She was always perfectly primped and tweezed and polished to shiny golden perfection. It used to mesmerize me how beautiful she was all the time. Funny how little appeal it holds for me now.
“It’s nice to see you,” I finally say, self-conscious about how long I’ve been staring at her. “You look nice.” Somehow, we’re back to those first few days after the reunion, when we were still nervous around each other, still unsure.Pull yourself together, man. This is Lila.
Jack reaches up and tugs on my hand. “Do you want to come to the petting zoo with us?” He looks at his mom. “Mommy, can Mr. Hawthorne come to the petting zoo with us?”
Lila and I make eye contact, and she smiles.
“Please, Mommy?” Jack tugs one more time, the movement jostling the cup of cider in his other hand. It starts to tip, and I reach for it without thinking, steadying it, then taking it out of Jack’s hands. As soon as he’s free of the cup, Jack grabsmyfree hand instead, so now he’s standing between Lila and me, connecting us. “Please, please?” he says.
Lila smiles. “What do you say, Mr. Hawthorne? Would you like to join us?”
A lightness fills my chest as I look down at Jack. “Let’s do it.”
Jack cheers, jumping up and down without letting go of our hands, then tugs us forward. We walk as a trio toward the petting zoo where we bypass the ticket line, despite Lila’s protests, and head straight for Mom, who is still standing by the barnyard gate.
She ushers us in, fawning over Jack, making him feel just as special as I knew she would. She leads him through the petting zoo personally, giving Lila and me a chance to hang back the tiniest bit.
“Your mom’s a natural,” Lila says easily.
“Oh, definitely. She’s been counting down the days to grandmahood for years.”
“Why didn’t you and Jocelyn have kids? You were married for what, seven years? That’s kind of a long time.”
“I wanted to,” I say slowly. “At first. But then Jocelyn got so focused on her career. And onmycareer. She wanted money. Prestige. Kids didn’t fit into the picture for her. It was always something she said we’d take care of later. Once we were really established. By that point, I already felt our marriage unraveling, which made kids just seem . . . reckless, I guess?”
She nods. “I think a lot of people have kids thinking it will save their marriage. Change things for the better.” She loops her arm through mine, and a tiny thrill shoots through me that she’s touching me this way even with Jack around. I like that we aren’t hiding. “Why did you stay married if you felt things unraveling?”
