Page 197 of How to Kiss a Hawthorne Brother
“Love can make you do crazy things, man.”
The bartender comes over and offers me another drink, but I slide her my empty glass and decline.
“So, if we’ve established you want to be with her, we’re back to Jack,” Brody says.
“Not just Jack. I think I’m afraid that if I have to love them both, I won’t be able to love Lila like I should. With Jocelyn, I did everything I could think of to try and make her happy. And it was never enough. Now I have to make two people happy? What if I can’t do it? What if Lila winds up miserable just like Jocelyn was?”
“Hold up,” Brody says. “Your relationship with Lila is nothing like your relationship with Jocelyn. Is that seriously what you’re scared about? That you might failLila?” He runs a hand across his face. “Man, your ex-wife really did a number on you.” He takes me by the shoulders and turns me to fully face him. “Listen to me, all right? What you have with Lila is so much more than what you had with Jocelyn. We all saw that after five minutes of watching the two of you in the same room.”
“Everyone who saw you making out all over the orchard would agree,” Tyler unhelpfully adds.
“Jocelyn made you miserable, Perry,” Brody says. “You know she did. This is different. You have to trust that this is different.”
Lennox drops onto the barstool on the opposite side of me. “What’s different? Who’s different?”
“Lila is different from Jocelyn,” Brody says.
Lennox scoffs. “You can say that again. Why are we talking abouther?”
“I only brought her up as a comparison. Perry has until tomorrow at ten a.m. to decide if he loves Lila enough to become her baby’s daddy.”
“An ultimatum? Way to boss the boss, Lila,” Lennox says. “I should bake her another box of cookies.”
“That’s not—” My words cut off. Lila didn’t mean to give me an ultimatum, but it feels like one anyway. And it should feel like one. I can’t play around with her feelings. Or with Jack’s.
“I don’t understand the hold up,” Lennox says. “Are you in love with her?”
“Yes,” I say, admitting it out loud for the first time. “Yeah. I am.”
Lennox takes a swig of the drink the bartender slides in front of him. “Then what’s the problem?”
“He wants to beenoughfor her,” Brody says knowingly.
“And Jack,” I say. “I want to be enough for both of them.”
“And he isn’t sure he can be because he wasn’t enough for Jocelyn,” Brody finishes.
It’s painful to hear my brother distill the doubts and hang-ups I’ve been struggling with for years into one very concise sentence.
But then Lennox shakes his head. “Nah. This isn’t about Jocelyn. I mean, she’s a piece of work, but right now, this is all about you.” He looks me head on, and something deep in my gut shifts, like I know before he even says it that what Lennox is saying is true. “Jocelyn had high expectations, sure. But the only person who has ever expected you to be perfect isyou. And I’m willing to bet that isn’t at all what Lila expects.”
The words Lila promised me last night float into my mind.I don’t want you to be perfect, Perry. I just want you.
“Can I say something?” Tyler says.
We all turn to face him, but he keeps his gaze focused on me. “I know I’ve only been a father for five minutes, but I do know a little about feeling inadequate. Honestly, I don’t know howanyonecould look at Asher, knowing you have to raise him and teach him everything he’s supposed to know about life, without feeling inadequate. But honestly, what’s the alternative? If I don’t want to fail him, the very best thing I can do is be here.”
“But it’s not the same thing. Asher is your son.”
The words feel flimsy on my tongue. Jack could be my son if I wanted him to be.
Tyler shrugs. “Okay. Then walk away.”
I’m already shaking my head. “I don’t want to walk away.”
I understand what he’s doing. The reverse psychology he’s pulling on me.
“Why not?” Brody asks, leaning into Tyler’s point.
