Page 195 of How to Kiss a Hawthorne Brother
That explainsthat,at least. That’s one of Ms. Kennedy’s favorite lines.
“Perry, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. Today was the first time you’ve ever been alone with Jack. You can’t expect to know how to do everything on day one.”
He drops back onto the couch. “The dads at our table were talking about how they never get to have sex. Or even just be alone with their wives. And the busy schedules. And weird food things. Like kids who won’t eat cheese, even on pizza.”
“Yeah, some kids are like that. Usually they grow out of it.”
“See?” Perry says, holding up a hand as if to emphasize his point. “You know that because you’re a mom. But I’m not a dad, Lila. I don’t know anything.”
I have had enough freak-outs as a parent, positive I have done and will probablykeepdoing everything wrong, to recognize one when I see one. On the one hand, it means Perry cares. He doesn’t want to disappoint Jack, or me, and that matters.
On the other, Ican’tdecide that I don’t want to try. That being a parent is too hard. Jack is mine, for better or worse, which means I have to keep muddling through, doing the best I can.
But Perrycanchoose. And that’s the thought that has nerves swirling in my gut and a thin sheen of sweat breaking out across my lower back.
“Do you know what Jack asked me when he got off the bus this afternoon?”
Perry is leaning forward, his elbows propped up on his knees. I hate how achingly handsome he is right now, tension tightening all the angles of his body. He lifts his eyes to meet mine.
“He asked when you were moving in. If he could start calling you Daddy.”
Perry scoffs. “I don’t know why you think that’s supposed to make me feel better.”
I scoot closer and slip a hand onto his leg. “Because, Perry, ninety percent of the stuff you think you screwed up today, Jack didn’t even notice. He had a great time. And the other tenpercent? I mean, welcome to the club. I’ve made a million bad calls. And I’ll probably make a million more. No parent knows what they’re doing all the time.”
“Then how do you make it look so easy?”
“You’ve only spent one evening with Jack and me. I promise. I have my moments.” Even as I say the words meant to reassure Perry, I wonder if they’ll have the opposite effect and scare him away even more. I also realize with utter certainty that I never should have allowed Perry to take Jack to the breakfast in the first place. Talk about throwing someone into the deep end. Navigating the school—why didn’t I tell Perry who Jack’s teacher is?—handling a buffet line in an elementary cafeteria. Those school events can be a challenge for anyone.
It was too much, too soon, and that’s on me.
I open my mouth to say so, but before I can, Perry says, “When people fall in love, Lila, they get to date. Get to know one another. Build a life together.Thenthey have kids. They ease into it.”
Anger flares in my chest. “Yeah, I know. I already did that once,” I say sharply. “So you’re saying single parents—they only get the one chance at happiness, and then they’re done? Alone for the rest of their lives?”
“That’s not what I mean. But maybe you dateothersingle parents, who already know—”
“Oh my word,” I say, standing up. “Do you even hear yourself right now? Perry, youknewabout Jack from minute one of our relationship. I never hid him from you.”
“I know that.I know.” He runs his hands through his hair and stands up. “Gah, I’m doing this badly.” His broad shoulders drop, his head shaking like all the fight has drained out of him. “I just wish we could go back to when it was just the two of us.”
Tears pool in my eyes, and I look up, willing them to stay where they are until I get in the car and cry without this idiot man watching me.
“But it isn’t just the two of us,” I say. “It never has been.” I walk toward the door. “But I hear you loud and clear, Perry. That’s too much for you. And I guess it’s better we figure that out now than later.”
I make it all the way to the front door before Perry calls me back. “Lila, wait.”
I turn around, and he rushes toward me, grabbing me by the elbows, his expression pained. “I’m not saying I don’t want this. That I don’t wantyou.” He pulls me against his chest, and for a selfish moment, I let him. Feel his arms slide around me, lean into the solid warmth of his body.
But I can’t.I won’t.My heart can’t take this for too much longer.
I press my palms against his chest and push away. “Perry, I love you. I was ready to tell you that after the breakfast. I practiced how I was going to say it all morning.” Something flashes in his eyes when I say the words, but he doesn’t say them back. And maybe it’s better that way. “I love you.But you don’t get me without Jack. We’re a package deal.”
“I know that.Of courseI know that,” he says softly. “But what if I can’t do it?”
“What if you can’t do it?” I ask. “Or what if you can’t do itperfectly?”
“You deserve perfect,” he says, frustration in his tone. “Jack deserves perfect.”
