Page 134 of How to Kiss a Hawthorne Brother
Grandpa Jamison chuckles. “Want to sit here with me and play Spelling Bee whileIwatch baseball?”
“Now you’re talking,” I say, tugging my phone out of my back pocket. We’ve had the same conversation hundreds of times. One of these days I’m going to change things up and sayyeswhen Grandpa Jamison asks. Except then I’d have to actually watch baseball, so . . . scratch that. Never mind.
Instead of pulling up the Spelling Bee game, I pull up my text messages. There’s a message from an unknown number. Except, it isn’t unknown. I’ve seen the number before. It’sPerry’snumber.
He’s texting my phone directly instead of using the virtual assistant app, which somehow feels significant.
My hands start to tremble as I open the message, which is just. so. stupid. It’s a text! Probably about something very boring and business-related.
Actually, it’smultipletexts.
Perry:I’m sorry I didn’t give you a lunch break.
Perry:It was unreasonable. I’ll be more respectful of your time in the future.
Perry:Thanks again for your help.
I turn off my phone and drop it into my lap, trying not to feel disappointed.
I shouldn’t be disappointed. His texts are fine. Nice, even. Perfectly professional. And he gave me an apology, which I have to appreciate.
Except, the tone of his texts is so . . . not cold, exactly. But lackluster? Unenthusiastic.
Impersonal.
I scold myself for feeling frustrated. The fact that this bothers me is completely on me. I’m the one who filled my head with visions of Perry spending time with Jack, laughing like they did when they changed his tire. I’m the one who watched him on the farm, in all his soft flannel and denim, the one who admired the perfect amount of beard on his face and imagined his time with me as anything other than work.
It’s good that Perry’s texts feel like a bucket of cold water.
Clearly, I need it.
And now I don’t need to worry about all those questions I have about dating, after all.
That should feel like a relief.
Itisa relief.
I’ve figured out how to survive on my own. And I’m good at it. I’m making it. A relationship would only disrupt that, especially a relationship with my boss, of all people.
So why, knowing all of this very logical information, do I feel so disappointed?
Chapter Ten
Perry
Lila does not respondto my (admittedly lame) apology.
I don’t know that I truly expected that she would. But I did . . . hope, I guess?
I have a feeling that hope means something. That the irritability I’m feeling now means something.
I like her.
Which is just aggravating. I don’t want to like her. Not because it’s her, but because I don’t want to likeanyone.I already did this. Tried to make a life with another person and failed so spectacularly, I’m still suffering the consequences of the implosion. I don’t like doing things poorly. I never have. If I can’t do a relationship well, I’d rather not do one at all.
What’s more, Lila has been through a lot. It seems entirely unfair to ask her to gamble on someone like me, someone saddled with all the baggage and heartache I carry around.
And yet.
