Page 87 of Absolutely Not in Love
“But I still have to wonder…” Her words trail off, and she shakes her head, like she isn’t sure how to finish.
“Just say it, Gracie,” I prompt. “Whatever it is.”
She looks up and holds my gaze. “Did you really have to get in the ambulance with him?” She wipes at the tears on her cheeks. “I know his parents weren’t there yet, and I know how you are, how much you want to help people. But couldn’t Eli have gone? Or one of the coaches? Why did it have to be you?”
The question hits me like a rib-crushing punch.
All I was thinking about when I climbed into the ambulance with Riley was Gracie. How I needed to get to her. How I didn’t want to let her down. So why did I say yes? Why, when Riley begged me not to leave him alone, did I say okay? Even when I understood the dilemma it would create for Gracie?
I think back to that moment, to the expression on Riley’s face, to the way the EMTs looked at me so expectantly. I didn’t want to disappoint them. I didn’t want to disappoint the coaches, who were driving behind the ambulance. The accident happened on my watch. I didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t doing my part, that I wasn’t doing a good job.
“I love that you’re so generous,” Gracie says. “I love that you’re always volunteering and helping people and taking care of people. But I didn’t love it tonight. Because I needed you. And you weren’t here because you were helping someone else.”
It was Parker who last talked to me about this, though I’ve heard the same thing from my therapist numerous times.You don’t have anything to prove, Felix. You’re doing enough.
Now, that need to prove myself, to measure up to some invisible yardstick, has hurt the person I care about most.
Gracie leaves her door and steps toward me. “I don’t want to be mad about this, okay?” She slips her arms around her waist and tucks herself into my chest. “Rationally, I know you wouldn’t have abandoned me unless you felt like the circumstances were truly out of your control. But I’m not feeling particularly rational right now. I’m so tired, and I’m pretty sure I blew my audition, and I just…I think I need to be alone for a little bit.”
I nod, my hands rubbing up and down her back. I wish there was something I could say. Something I could do to fix things, but I’m not going to push her when she’s telling me explicitly what she needs. Even if it means going to California before this is resolved.
Slowly, she steps away from me and moves back to her door, where she picks up her cello.
“Gracie, I fly to LA first thing tomorrow morning.”
She briefly closes her eyes as she breathes out a sigh that’s so weary, so heavy, I can feel its weight all the way across the hallway. “I forgot.”
“I wish I didn’t have to go,” I say.
“It’s your job, Felix. You have to go.”
Idohave to go, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Maybe it’ll be good for me, though. Clearly, I have some things of my own to sort out.
I’ve always justified my need to please because what bad can truly happen when I’m the only person who is impacted?
So I’m generous. Who cares?
But tonight, it impacted Gracie. And that can never happen again.
She has to be my number one. And I have to trust that setting boundaries to respect that priority won’t make me a bad person. Itwillmake me a better partner.
“Can we talk as soon as I get back?” I ask.
She nods. “Yeah. I’d like that,” she says.
Then she carries her cello into her apartment, closes the door, and leaves me in the empty hallway.
I don’t fault her. I brought this fully upon myself.
Now I just have to figure out how to make it up to her.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Gracie
WhenIwakeupthe morning after the worst audition of my life, I find a text message from Felix that arrived at 5:14 a.m.
Felix:My apartment is unlocked, and my car keys are on the counter. Thought you could use my car while I’m gone until we figure out what’s wrong with yours. Miss you already.
