Page 88 of Absolutely Not in Love
I lean back onto my pillows and drop my phone onto my chest. It’s sweet of him to leave me his car. I hadn’t even thought about how I’m getting to school this morning, so he solved my problem before I even remembered I had one.
It’s a very Felix thing to do. The man isalwaysgoing above and beyond. I can’t truly be mad about that.
But it still stung when he let me down last night. And I’m still not sure he should have prioritized a thirteen-year-old hockey player over me. Ask me in five minutes, and I might feel like he was completely justified. His text messages didn’t give me all the details, but he did say there was a lot of blood, and one of the coaches was freaking out, andallthe kids were freaking out, particularly the kid whose skate had done the damage, and everyone was just trying to calm the chaos any way they could.
It isn’t hard to imagine.
But Felix isn’t even one of the coaches. Surely there was someone else who could have jumped in the ambulance.
I blow out an exasperated breath, then pick up my phone and read Felix’s text one more time. This time, my eyes catch on one tiny little word. He says I can use his car untilwefigure out what’s wrong with mine.
Not untilIfigure it out.We.
My heart stretches and pulls.
I really want there to still be awe.
I stumble through getting ready for school, seriously considering the possibility of calling in and taking a sick day. But then I think about last year when I ran out of sick days and had to go to school feeling like actual death. There’s no way I want to wind up in that situation again, so I toughen up, make myself drink a green smoothie because they always make me feel awake and healthy even if I hate them going down, then go next door to Felix’s to grab his keys.
His apartment smells like him, and it makes my heart flip and tumble inside my chest.
As promised, his car keys are sitting on the kitchen counter. But they aren’t sitting alone.
Next to the keys, there’s a book wrapped in brown paper and an envelope with my name scrawled across the front.
I glance at my watch. As long as I leave in the next fifteen minutes, I’ll make it to school on time.
I carry the book and notecard into the living room and drop into Felix’s favorite chair. Once I’m sitting down, I unwrap the book first, finding a very old copy of Jane Austen’sPride and Prejudice.
I open the book, looking for some indication of the book’s age. It isn’t a first edition—that would have been three volumes anyway, but it was printed in 1894, which has to make it a collectible. And he’s giving it to me?
I open the card next, leaning back into the chair as I read Felix’s steady, careful handwriting.
Gracie—I know I can’t compete with Mr. Darcy when it comes to written apologies. So I might be doing myself a disservice by giving you a gift that makes it possible for you to compare his words to mine. I also told myself I ought to leave you alone, give you some space to process how you’re feeling. But I’ve been trying to sleep for hours, and it’s clear I won’t succeed if I don’t tell you how I feel.
When you asked me why it had to be me who climbed into the back of the ambulance with Riley, I realized a few things. The first is hard to admit. Because it makes it seem like my priorities are out of order, but I want to be fully transparent with you, so I hope you’ll stay with me while I work my way through.
The truth is…it didn’t have to be me. At the time, I believed it did. I believed I could not look someone in the eye and tell them I couldn’t be who or what they needed. I believed I had to say yes, to be present, to give all my time and energy to being enough.
For a very long time, I have been chasing that acceptance, that sense of purpose and accomplishment. I never found it when I was a kid. I was never good enough for my father, and that has made me overcompensate. I don’t like to say no. I don’t like to disappoint people.
But as the ambulance pulled away yesterday and I accepted I could not be in two places at one time, I realized the person I didn’t want to disappoint most was you. I let you down. I hurt you. And that’s the last thing I want to do.
My priorities have to be different now because I’m different now.
They have to be different, because I’m in love with you, Gracie.
I’m so sorry I left you on your own. I’m sorry I chose so poorly. I’m sorry I let my own insecurities interfere with how I take care of you.
I can’t promise I won’t ever screw up again. But I can promise I will live every day trying my hardest to put you first—to love you like you deserve.
Please forgive me.
Yours, Felix
Well.
How am I supposed to go to school now?
