Page 53 of Ruinous Need
But now that I’ve tasted closeness, that I’ve had something that makes me feel, it’s the nothingness that terrifies me. The emptiness that I would feel without Viktor.
“In the next room, you’ll be sized for a dress. And, ah yes, we need to find out your size for the wedding rings.”
Semyon is talking about the rings now, the stones that I’ll wear on my finger for the rest of my life. He looks at me as though expecting me to be impressed.
I couldn’t care less, I want to tell him.
He takes my hand in his to try on the sample rings and I feel numb. It’s hard to believe that I will be married to him within a week.
He doesn’t look at me again, just turns back to his work on his computer screen like I was never there.
The Pakhan is not my nightmare of a monstrous man who’ll hurt me and abuse me.
That’s not what has fear raising in goose bumps all along my arms. No, the terrifying realization is that I’m absolutely nothing to him. If I died, that man would not flinch. I’m surprised he even saw fit to assign me a guard.
I am utterly expendable. Replaceable. Disposable.
And I can’t understand what it is that’s made him so fixated on me, because it’s clearly not love or anything close to it.
As I turn to go, his eyes linger on my guard. Daria. She pointedly does not meet his gaze.
“What was that about?” I ask her when we get out of the room, linking arms with her.
I need something that doesn’t feel as cold and disconcerting as Semyon’s icy eyes.
Even though Daria is clinical, I like her. She’s the first woman I’ve been allowed to see since I was kidnapped and it’s a relief to have someone on my side who might actually gossip with me.
She sighs wearily and raises her finger to her temples. “An absolute mind-fuck.” She covers her mouth after she says it, like she hadn’t expected to let that slip.
On the car ride back to the apartment, she won’t tell me anything more, though I sense that she’s turning it over in her mind.
When I step out of the shower, which I needed to cleanse myself of the Pakhan’s ice gaze, Viktor is standing beside the bed where I tossed the gauzy dress.
I’m shaken by the reminder of my engagement, my head spinning when I think that I only have days before I say a vow that will tie me to the Pakhan.
Viktor, on the other hand, is filled with fury.
His face is dangerously still. His eyes are flat and blank like the calm before a storm. He runs his fingers over the fabric of the dress in a repeated motion.
“You wore this to see him.”
“Yes.” There’s no point denying it.
“I didn’t think you were coming back. I thought he’d taken you.” His voice is silky but I can feel the danger crackling underneath it.
He runs his tongue over the edge of his teeth and reaches for me, yanking the towel down to reveal my damp skin.
“Pretty little slut like you. Guess you can be useful to more than one of us.” He spits these crude words in my face.
Pain blooms deep inside my chest.
“Viktor,” I gasp. “You know it’s not like that.” His hands grip my waist like, despite what he thinks of me, he can’t bring himself to let me go. “You still believe that I wanted this? That I wanted the Pakhan?”
“You agreed when he offered you money. That’s what Semyon said.” Viktor’s brows are drawn together. “Even if you don’t love him, you still agreed.”
I want to scream at him for not understanding. For never even asking me how I ended up in this situation. But he’ll enjoy that.
I try to back away, but Viktor’s hands are firm on my waist. Trapping me between his legs. He’s always trapping me somewhere. I stare at him with cold, enraged eyes.
