Page 160 of My Lovely Tragedy
He gave me strength. I can give it back. Because once I have him, I won’t need it anymore.
My footsteps are heavy on the wood. The early morning chill prickles my skin, causing me to shiver and hunch my shoulders as I near the door. It feels like it takes hours, but in reality, it’s mere seconds, and then my knuckles are rapping on the door. The sound echoes out in three distinct taps, mimicking the thrashing of my heart in my throat.
I stare blankly ahead, trepidation licking along the exposed surface of my skin, niggling its way inside my brain. Or… no, that’s wrong. It’s already there—where it’s been all along. Now, it’s just festering its way past my core and onto the surface. Into my flesh and bone.
I knock again, a little harder this time in case he didn’t hear me because he’s sleeping. I hope he is, and I hope he’s in his bed for once. The one he abandoned becauseIcouldn’t…
My body leans to the right as my left foot starts shaking back and forth. I scrape the toe of my boot back, drag it forward, and back again. I fist the key for a moment before my fingers drop to my wrist. I press into the pressure point, but more specifically, the bruises still marring my skin.
The touch against such tender flesh is enough to draw a hiss. But it also clears my sight and lets me pull in an easier breath.He’s sleeping. He can’t hear you. He’s not ignoring you. Just walk in. He won’t care. He said this was your home. Just walk in. Walk in. WALK IN.
A home you created.
A home I can’t resist.
The unused lyrics I wrote in a time that feels too far in the past bounce around in my skull as I wrap my fingers around the doorknob. It turns easily—unlocked. I release a breath and push it open.
As I step over the threshold, I’m hit witheverything.Every piece I left behind. Every smell burned into my memory, fading every hour I was lamented.
It all rushes back into me with such force, I stumble back into the wall. I wheeze out a groan, dropping my head back as I stare down and through my lashes, catching my breath.
It’s dark. Every curtain—even the ones behind his piano—are drawn, effectively blocking out all but a glimmer of sunlight. I shift to the left so I can shut the door behind me, removing the light so my eyes will begin to adjust.
“Tobias?” I call out shakily, wrapping my arms around my middle as I force myself to take a step forward. To move away from the sanctuary of the corner. To find him and tell him I’ve come home to him.
Don’t send me away.
My voice refracts off the high, cavernous walls, bouncing back into me. More faint, more hollow. More me.
I take another step, eyes sweeping out. The kitchen to my right is dark and empty, void of anything worth sparing a glance. As I near the living room, I peer over the back of the couch to his chair, but that’s empty, too. Then, I catch something with a gleam in my peripheral.
Bending closer, I find a wine glass beside his computer, empty save for a few drops of some light-colored liquid pooled in the small divot just in the center. As I pick it up, I knock it against the bottle of scotch, which is next to an uncorked bottle of wine.
My eyebrows furrow as I twirl the glass in my hand, searching for the smudge of his mouth—which I find on the second twist of my fingers. I drag the pad of my thumb over the curve, smearing it before placing my lips just over. My eyes flutter closed.
A whisper of a haunted kiss.
Swallowing, I put it back in its place before tipping the wine bottle. It’s nearly empty, only the smallest slosh of liquid inside, but his scotch is just below half full. Close enough to where I remember it being when we drank it, so that’s good. That means he didn’t get drunk. That he didn’t lose control without me.
That’s good…right?
Suppressing my confusion with teeth in my tongue, I drop the bottle with a soft clank beside his closed computer—which I know I won’t be able to get into. Been there. Done that.
“Tobias?” I call out a little louder as I turn to check the bathroom, but my eyes catch on my chains. Still abandoned in messy disarray. My feet take me to them of their own volition, and I fall to my knees, barely feeling thethwackas they slam into the hardwood floor.
I grasp the heavy steel, bringing a length toward my face. Metallic-infused copper wafts up. I inhale the familiar smell, smiling even as more tears burn. They’re unbidden and weak, but they take no effort at all. Splashing down where they have a dozen times before.
My chin drops to my chest, lengthening my spine as my shoulders shake lightly. Not in pain, exactly, but infeeling.Haunted with memories and despair. Hating as much as missing.
Confused and anxious and lost.
“Tobias?” I call out again, voice cracking as I shove to my feet, letting the chains fall where they may. Where they belong now. No longer a barrier but a reminder of freedom.Of choice.
The very one I’m making right now.
The bathroom is as dark and empty as the rest of the cabin, but that doesn’t stop me from pausing as my eyes rake over the bathtub. Over the memories of water and cloths. Hands gentle and exploring. Cleaning and memorizing.
When I felt wholly and utterlycherished.Like I was the most fragile, priceless piece of art, tailored perfectly to every depraved inclination.
