Page 156 of My Lovely Tragedy
Everything he stole.
His eyes.
Not once in my life did I ever believe the metaphor that the eyes are the windows to the soul. But the second Tobias gave me his, when he let me in,let me see,I knew.
I clocked his darkness. That monstrous depravity lingering just beneath the surface. But it wasn’t something that was always there. It was mine. For me and me alone.
I pried that out of him, turned him as ugly and hideous as he made me. And now we’re…this.Scarred and exposed and alone when we don’t have to be.Hemade the decision, and I let him because Ialways let him.It was easier, made more sense. He always knew what to do, how to take care of me and make it all okay.
But this… this isn’t okay. This is not how we’re supposed to be. I’m fucking shredding my body open trying to get to him.I can feel him inside me.So close, but untouchable.
It can’t be like this.
I won’t let it.
He wanted me to spread my wings and soar, so that’s what I’m going to do, even if it destroys me.
I drag the back of my hand over my nose and mouth, clearing the snot and tears clinging to my beard as I reach over and flip open the glovebox. Tobias’s phone is heavy in my hand as I curl my fingers around the smooth edge, unblemished and gray.
My foot shakes against the gas pedal as I power it on, watching the logo illuminate on the screen, a bright beacon amongst the shadows, but when I pull up the navigation app and there’snothingthere except for a drop pin of the city, my stomach sinks.
Fuckfuckfuck.My molars slam together, grating tightly against one another. I squeeze my eyes shut, biting back a scream. The phone creaks in my tightened grip, and my arm twitches to throw it the short distance across the car, but with an aspirated breath, I unfurl my fingers and let it fall into my lap with a soft thud.
Come on, think. How’d I get back?I sink my teeth into the tip of my tongue as I drop my head against the steering wheel, but it’s allblurry.A mess of gray and green and tears. Vivid flashes of him in the rearview and upturned Earth.
No more snow.
Fucking THINK!I slam my head down, relishing in the throb blooming across the center of my forehead.Think, Brooklyn. Remember him.
Once you get on the highway, it’s nearly a straight shot.
I shoot up so fast, my eyes cross, and my stomach flips. I slam my foot to the brake as I start the car, hands trembling on the gearshift as I shift into reverse. I barely cast a glance in the rearview as I peel out, tires spinning in the gravel, shooting rocks and dust up in a thick cloud. They plink against the underside of the car as I pivot and lurch into drive.
The headlights guide me as I pull onto the road. For nearly midnight, it’s still stuffed with traffic—most of them probably still trying to leave from the festival, which is just… My teeth creak as my left leg jiggles restlessly against the door panel, fingers tapping on the leather steering wheel. The silence ringing in my ears makes my exposed meat suit crawl as my eyes bounce between each mirror, through the windshield, and over. So many people, so many noises, and all thisburning silence.
I jab the power button to the radio and crank the volume, so it fills the vacancies in my head. My gaze catches on the darkened phone in my peripheral. I glare at it, lip curling. Useless fucking thing.
But as traffic picks up and I move more than a few inches at a time, I realize I’m more fucking useless than the goddamn phone.
What highway?My eyes scan the green signs above as I pass each one, and my mouth falls ajar.Jesus fucking Christ.Nails sink into my palms around the circumference of the wheel. My grip is so tight, the leather creaks, and I can feel my pulse in my hands.
Thud, thud, thud.
The sound of Tobias’s knife on the cutting board.
“What fucking exit was it?” I mumble through gritted teeth and squinted eyes. Someone blares their horn beside me, and I flip them off as they swerve around me. “Fucking cunts,” I snap, not bothering to speed up like they probably wanted me to.
Number? Was there a number, a name? Fuck.I drop my eyes back to the dull gray road in front of me. To the striped lines in the center, surrounding me on either side. Cars and exhaust and people.
A straight shot… but I can’t remember getting back into the city. I don’t even remember driving back.
Just… trees. And rain. Endless gray.
The car veers to the right, cutting through two lanes to the exit coming up. More horns and the squelch of rubber. I barely hear them as I swerve onto the shoulder and throw the car in park.
An iridescent sheen bubbles over the surface of my eyes, spilling out and replenishing just as fast. Each droplet is heavy as they splash across the backs of my hands, over my covered forearms. Down onto my jeans, still damp with sweat and plastered to my skin.
I drop my head against the headrest, then turn to the right to press the tip of my nose to the leather. The more direct inhale of his scent splits my nerves wide open.
