Page 144 of My Lovely Tragedy
“It needed to be done, so I handled it. I, uh…” He blows out a breath. “Just one less thing for you to worry about.”
Jesus.The stab of guilt is back, filling the emptiness like a fucking deluge. “Thank you, Ben.” I resist the urge to drop my head into my hands.How fucking weak is that? Thank you?
I don’t deserve any of them.
“Your sister called.”
“She did?” I balk. He nods as he picks at the skin around his nails, which makes me realize I’m doing the same. I shove my hands under my thighs, and the pressure draws attention to the stinging around my cuticles.
“Yeah. After she saw the news.”
“Wow,” I sigh, dropping my head back.
“I know,” Ben agrees. “I didn’t expect it either, to be honest. She hasn’t called since I told her we don’t know anything, but she might if she’s seen the news.” The mere thought of talking to Bobby makes me want to throw up.
Maybe I should.
“I don’t have a phone, so if she does…”
Ben nods, dragging his hands through his hair. My eyes catch on the vibrant red ends as he gathers it all into his hands to secure it in a hair clip that I swear comes out of fuckin’ nowhere. When he’s done, he drops his arms back down with a loud exhale. “She called the studio the first time, but I gave her my number in case… I don’t know. But she hasn’t used it yet.” He glances at me. “If she does...”
I draw my knees to my chest to drop my forehead to them. The coat is bunched around my waist, and one of the buttons digs into my stomach, so I focus on that instead of the fucking idea of my sister calling.
“Did it sound like she cared?” I hate how weak my voice sounds, but between crying and screaming and… everything, it’s nearly gone. Voices echo from the kitchen, drawing closer.
“Shit! Move your dumbass over.” A grunt.
“Well, if you’d…” It fades out over the blood rushing in my ears. Benji clasps my hand, drawing my focus to the point of contact. I see him shake his head in my peripheral.
“It’s hard to tell; you know how she is. But we won’t even think about it ‘till she calls, okay?”If she calls,but he doesn’t say that. I nod, swallowing the bile oozing its way up my esophagus—hot and vicious.
I’m back in the real world now. With my old problems and old fears. There isn’t room for all the new ones—and yet… they’re really the only ones that matter.
The biggest one being,I have to learn how to live without him.
* * *
“No,we’re gonna have to cancel.” A pause. Benji coils his fist as he turns away. “Yes, I know. No, it doesn’t matter.”
“She’s not gonna like that,” Dexter mumbles as he shoves a bite of cereal into his mouth.
“Like what?” I ask without looking up from tracing the rim of my coffee cup.
“Canceling the show,” Cobain answers.
Attention grabbed, I glance up. “What show?”
“Charity event. The one we’ve had planned… Uh…” Dexter sits up straighter, drawing his bowl closer. “Shit, sorry. You might not remember.”
He’s right, I don’t. At first, anyway. And then, it hits me.
“Wait. For LGBTQIA+ youth, yeah? We organized the whole thing with Shattered Lines. Got like fifteen bands or some shit.” Dexter nods through a mouthful.
“Yeah,” he mumbles. “It’s in two days, but Ben’s on the phone with Helena. We were gonna keep our slot as a way to…” His nose scrunches up as he shoves his near-empty bowl away. “I don’t know; it sounds stupid now. But just as a way to keep you with us and to not let anyone down. But you’re home now and…”
“And it doesn’t feel right to go out and play without you,” Cobain finishes for Dex when he trails off with a frown.
“Why would you play without me?” I ask with a low drawl without looking up. Even keeping my eyes open takes more energy than I have.
