Page 32 of Fragmented Illusions
But I can’t.
I also know being out in public, surrounded by people, is a hell of a lot smarter than being alone in my bedroom. They clearly have access to the apartment because they left the note for me.
They also supposedly know everything about me which is honestly just fan-fucking-tastic. As stupid as it is, that’s what I’m worried about most.
Not them coming for me. Not them fuckingmurderingme, but them telling my friends, or anyone really, what I am. Who Ireallyam. I’ve spent a long time perfecting who I am and I’m not about to allow two crazier people come into my life and fuck it up.
Lies.
You want them to want you.
Youlovethat they want you.
I swallow heavily as I push open the door to Professor Lloyd’s class. It’s full already and my usual seat is taken. I bite back my annoyance as I shuffle to the back of the class and take a seat near the long window at the back of the room, keeping my head down and my eyes cast at the scuffed, off-white floor.
Lloyd instantly starts droning on and on about whatever, but I easily tune him out. Any other day and I’d have my notebook open sprawling every note possible all over the page, but I can’t be bothered today. No one cares to glance my way either, so keeping up my perfect persona is easy enough.
I stare out the window, watching the blue sky quickly darken as dense, dark gray clouds creep across the sky. It appears as if the caliginous clouds are eating the blue sky, swallowing it whole, leaving nothing but darkness in its wake.
That’s how I feel, every day of my fucking life.
I’m swallowing myself whole, leaving nothing but my darkest parts for all to see. Exposing the rotten, dirty pieces and completely unable to stop it, or control it in the slightest.
I’m losing this fight. I know I am, but there is still time.
I can fight this with everything in me.
I won’t let these men ruin everything I have built for myself.
You want them to.
I stare out at the sky, smatters of rain now covering the glass as it starts to trickle from the sky. With how black the clouds are, I figured it would be a torrential downpour, but it’s not.
A low buzzing sound snaps me out of my reverie and my heart gallops at the unexpected sensation in my fingers. My hands tremble as I bring my phone closer to my face, peering at the screen knowingly.
I know who it is.
I’ve been waiting, although not prepared in the slightest.
Unknown: why do you look so sad, pretty girl?
I keep my eyes strained on my screen, resisting the urge to panic and dart my eyes around the room to see if anyone is looking in my direction. But the need is too much, and I roam my gaze across the entirety of the room, speedily at first before going back across more slowly, thoroughly, but no one stands out.
Not a single fucking person.
Everyone is staring at Professor Lloyd as he blabs away, scribbling on the board, jotting their own notes down.
What the fuck?
I peer down at my phone again, confused. My body grows hot as I feel their eyes on me. Even though I can’t see them, I know they can see me. Somehow. Some way. And it makes me feel self-conscious.
What do I look like to them? Do they find me attractive or are they messing with me because of what I saw?
You’re really curious as to what they think of you, Fallon.
You’resoterrified.
My stomach clenches painfully at the voice. I know it’s right, the sarcasm heavy, but I can’t help it, no matter how much I hate it.
