Page 24 of Monster
Essa
Five months ago
“I’ll go,”I murmur hesitantly. I’ve been in the hospital for a month now and the doctor keeps telling me he wants to discharge me but he’s hesitant because of my “suicidal thoughts and actions.” I laugh inwardly, but I think it’s time. I have to swallow my fear.
“You—you will?” Dominik asks. He sits up straighter in his chair across the room. He drops his phone into his lap and pulls his earbud from his ear.
“Are you sure?” he asks.
“Yes, I think so…” I honestly don’t fucking know at this point, but I don’tthinkI want to die—right now, anyway. Dominik makes me feel things. Things like hope. And once you feel it, it’sso fucking hardto let it go. It’s like a fucking cancer. It consumes you and buries itself so deep inside of you, you can’t tell where one ends and the other begins. Like me and Vincent. He’s my fucking cancer. He’s my goddamn disease—one I need to try to find a cure for.
And maybe living will give me the opportunity to find it.
Hell, who knows, maybe Dominik is that cure.
And I guess this is me giving myself the chance to find out. The chance to fucking live—even if trying will kill me in the end.
“Yes, I’m sure,” I nod my head as I repeat myself, feeling more sure of my answer this time.
“Fuck, Essa, that makes me so happy.” He rushes over to me and envelopes me in a giant hug. His long, muscular arms wrap around me, and the chill of his skin mingles with my own and goosebumps travel up my arms.
His genuine happiness is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it reminds me so fucking much of Holley. Of how she is—was—the light of my life.
Fuck.
I cough lightly and Dominik pulls away from me to look me in the eyes and when he sees the tears brimming in my own, his smile pulls down into a frown.
“What’s wrong, baby girl?”
That fucking name. So close to what Vincent called me, yet so different.
“Nothin’. Just thinking about how similar you are to Holley…” I glance away from him, unable to breathe for a moment.
“Oh. I’m… I’m sorry.” He tilts his head back and runs his fingers through his curls before rubbing the back of his neck. With his head tilted back, his throat sticks out and I watch as his Adam's apple bobs with a swallow. My throat dries at the sight, and I clear it before speaking again.
“Don’t be. It makes me happy. Really. I miss her so fucking much.” Even though it’s been a month, it still hurts just as bad as the day I found out she was gone. He opens his mouth to say something, but the door to the room slides open and Joyce walks in, appearing happy.
“Hiya, babies. How are y’all doing today?” She flicks her gaze back and forth between Dominik and I before settling back on me.
“I’m okay,” I answer her honestly. Because right now, I amokay.I know I probably won't feel the same tomorrow—or even an hour from now—but for right now, I’m simply okay.
“Well, that’s good, honey. Have you given the… place that can help you any more thought?” she asks as she begins checking my bandages. “These are healing really well.” She nods as she says it while wrapping fresh gauze around my torso.
“Actually, you might be able to be discharged soon with the way things are going. But, the doctor is still hesitant because of what happened…” I feel my face heat with embarrassment and when she notices, she makes a clicking noise with her tongue.
“Honey. You have nothing to be ashamed of, do you hear me?” She grabs both of my hands in hers. I glance down at our interconnected fingers as she continues to speak. “You have been through somethingtragic.You are allowed to feel how you feel. There is no right or wrong way to deal with all of this. What’s most important is you’re trying. You have made the decision to make an effort and that’s what matters.”
She runs her hand over the back of mine. “And more importantly, you have Dominik. And me. We arebothhere for you, no matter what.” Her brown eyes are full of nothing but love and sincerity, but it only makes me uncomfortable.
“Yeah, people always say that, but they don’t mean it,” I hiss.
“Maybe so, but we are not those people. Tell me, have we left you? If I remember correctly, Dominik has been by your side every single day, barely even eating because he was so worried about you. And then you went and sent him away, and guess what? He still stayed. Because he cares.
“I’m here because, yes, I am your nurse, but honey. You’ve become so much more. I adore you and I want to see you heal. I want to see you happy, healthy, and I truly believe Dominik can help you achieve that. Give him the opportunity to.”
She brings my hand up to her mouth and gives me a quick kiss before stepping away from the bed. I sit in silence as she types things in on the computer before leaving the room, only the sound of her steps echoing breaking the silence. When the door slides shut and I hear the click of the latch, I keep my head bent down, but peer up through my lashes in search of Dominik. He quickly turns his head away from me—as if I didn’t just catch him staring at me while I was pulling my shirt back down because, thankfully, they’re letting me wear actual clothes now.
My face heats when I think of him seeing the scars covering me, but I’m quickly distracted from those thoughts when he starts digging around in the closet near the bathroom door and when he turns around, he has a white, plastic hospital bag in his hand and a sheepish expression on his face before he quickly fixes his expression. My brows crease, wondering what he has. He doesn’t leave me wondering for long.
