Page 21 of Monster
“If you would like to bury her, have her cremated, whatever, I can help you,” he offers in a small, unsure voice. My eyes snap back into focus and I tilt my head down just enough to glance at Dominik. He is still standing by the window, probably trying to give me the space I so desperately want, but don’t need. What I need is someone to fucking push me through this moment. Someone I can lean on, and it scares me he might be this person.
He already is that person…
“You’ve already done too much, Dominik. I’ll figure it all out myself, ” I sigh.
“Would you quit trying to make it seem like you’re inconveniencing me? You’re not and I don’t think I’ve done anything to make it seem that way, either.” He stares at the floor as he speaks while he rubs his arm and shuffles from foot to foot. His nerves are obvious, and it makes me feel guilty for always being such a bitch.
“No, you haven’t. I’m only saying you don’t have to do these things. It’s my… problem to figure out,” I choke out my words. They taste like acid on my tongue, and I almost can’t spit them out.
“I know, but I want to help. Please, let me help,” he pleads as he walks up to me. He kneels in front of me, in between my legs, and looks at me with tears in his eyes. “I know you’ve been through hell, Essa. So, please, let me do what I can to help make your life at least a little bit easier for you. It’s the least I can do since I couldn’t save Holley…” The tears that were brimming in his eyes finally spill over onto his face and he tries to hide them. He quickly turns his head to the side, but I shoot my hand out and rest my palm against his cheek, turning his face back to look at me.
When our eyes make contact, my heart aches and I want to clutch my chest to ease the pain, but I don’t. Instead, I bring my other hand up and grip his face tightly between both of my hands. His tears fall freely, and his eyes appear deeper, darker. More broken. He blames himself for not being able to save Holley and I have no one to blame but myself. I planted the thought in his head in efforts to get him to leave me, but instead of him leaving, he fucking stayed by my side. Except now he feels so much guilt for something which is not even close to being his fault.
“Dominik, please don’t feel guilty. I should haveneversaid what I did. Holley’s death isnotyour fault—it’s mine.” My own tears fall with the words leaving my mouth. Because it’s the truth. Her deathismy fault. If I never would have asked her to come get me, she never would’ve been in the car and none of this would have happened.
It’s all my fucking fault.
It’salwaysmy fucking fault.
A sob leaves my mouth without my permission and before I register what’s happening, arms are wrapped around me in the tightest, yet gentlest hug I have ever received. I can tell he is timid about holding onto me. All I know is it feels too fucking good having someone hold me. I let the pain consuming me loose and I cry—for the millionth fucking time. Every time I feel like I’m all cried out, more spill and burn a path down my face.
Dominik runs his hand over the back of my head over and over as I sob into the crook of his neck. My tears soak his shirt, but he doesn’t seem to care. He only holds me tighter against him, comforting me the only way he can.
After what feels like hours, Dominik slowly pulls away from me and looks at me with not pity but understanding in his eyes. Like heknows.Like heunderstands.And fuck if that doesn’t make more tears fall.
He wipes his thumbs across both of my cheeks and the ring on his left thumb grazes its way across my skin. He gives me a small smile and it makes my heart ache even more. Our gazes remain locked, the intensity radiating between the both of us is too much to bear and without thinking, I throw myself forward and lock my lips with his, fisting my hands in his long, curly hair.
At first, he remains frozen, not sure what to make of my random action, but that only lasts for two seconds before he molds his lips to mine. His plump lips are cold and soft against mine. A chill erupts around me, and my skin breaks out in goosebumps. I part my lips slightly and run my tongue along the edge of his lips. He doesn’t part his own, but a light and husky groan leaves from between them and it makes my head swim.
He brings his hands to the back of my head but doesn’t put any pressure. He simply holds me, and my heart seizes in my chest because it makes me think of Vincent. Of how differently he touched me—never with care. Always with anger and desperation.
And just like that, it’s like a bucket of ice water is dumped over my head and I drop back and away from him. He automatically lets go of me and I fall back into the chair. He drops his ass to his feet and sits kneeled in front of me, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly parted. His breath comes out in short, heavy pants as he brings his index finger up to his swollen bottom lip and runs it across, back and forth, a couple times before peering back at me.
My chest is heaving, and I feel out of breath. I put my hand across my chest as I try to catch my breath while also sorting my fucking thoughts and trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. When our eyes lock, he stares at me with confusion, but I probably look similar because I haven’t the slightest clue as to what happened either.
“Essa,” he chokes out my name and tears well in my eyes all over again.
I’m so sick of fucking crying.
I rub my palms into my eyes aggressively, trying to stop the tears which won’t fucking stop. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened,” I whisper. I move off of the chair and he shifts back as I move past him. I limp straight into the bathroom and shut and lock the door behind me. I lean back against it and slide down until my ass hits the hard, cold floor beneath me. I rest my forehead against my knees which are pulled in front of me and let the tears fall.
Dominik knocks on the door, pleading with me to come out, but I ignore him.
I have to ignore him.
My guilt and anger consume me, but more than that is the fucking confusion. I thought I was done feeling like this but jokes on me. Because as soon as I get away from one man who confuses me, here comes another inserting himself into my life.
What the fuck is going on?
