Page 98 of Monster
Eventually, our movements stop altogether.
We sit in complete silence with me still inside of her as we both come down from our highs. Essa breathes heavily into the crook of my neck, and I want nothing more than to sink my teeth into her shoulder right in front of my face, tempting me, but I won’t.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to hurt her again—even if she wants it and that fucking terrifies me.
I still don’t know what happened that day. I’ve gone over it a million times in my head but it’s still so fucking distorted. All I can remember is my hands wrapped around her throat and being so fucking angry. Furious is more like it. Then, nothing.
Just me, her, and our baby in the darkness.
Then it was like waking up when I heard Leo’s hysterical voice. It was similar to a fog lifting and then I fucking saw everything clear as day.
I’m a monster of the worst fucking kind.
“Stop thinking about it,” Essa murmurs into my neck and my body tenses. She leans back and I reluctantly release my hold of her so she can move freely. I never want to let her go—especially right now when this is the first time I have held her in a month.
She brings her hand to where mine is tracing the skin of her neck and I freeze. I didn’t even fucking realize what I was doing. I grit my teeth in annoyance as I yank my hand away from her. Even fucking subconsciously, I’m tempted.
“Vincent, I don’t know what I can say or do to reassure you I’m fine. If you haven’t realized by now, we have always been fucked up.” I snort and she laughs lightly. Her laugh makes my heart squeeze painfully in my chest. I can’t believe I would’ve never been able to hear that laugh again.
I owe Leo fucking everything for showing up when he did. If he didn’t want to come check on my dumbass—even when he was still pissed—I don’t think I would even be here right now.
I open my eyes and my dark browns land on her pale greens. Her eyes are soft and understanding, and her lips are pursed as she takes me in. I lift her and set her on her feet in front of me. I lift up as I yank my boxers and jeans over my hips to cover myself, but I don’t bother to button them. The view in front of me is too fucking distracting.
Essa bends down to grab her pants and the light shining through the glass wall behind us basks her in a beautiful glow. My gorgeous, broken girl. My eyes travel up Essa’s body as she puts one of her legs in a pant leg before switching to the other. She begins to pull them up when my gaze locks on her inner thighs. They glisten in the sunlight, and I can see my release trickling out of her and sticking to her thighs.
I lick my lips and my cock grows painfully hard again. I readjust myself through my jeans and Essa’s gaze moves from her pants to me. Her brows draw together, and she follows my gaze to see what has me so affected. When she realizes what I’m staring at, her face glows a beautiful bright shade of red before she hurriedly yanks her pants up.
The air around us is charged and tense as we both stare at each other. Well, I’m staring at Essa and she’s staring at the floor in embarrassment. I push myself out of my chair and take the two steps, putting me directly in front of her.
The air smells of coffee, sex, and cigarettes and it’s a heady combination. I slowly—hesitantly—reach my hand out towards Essa’s face and she squeezes her eyes shut as my palm makes contact with her cheek.
“I need to be honest with you,” I murmur quietly. My voice shatters the silence that had comfortably surrounded us. I rub my thumb along Essa’s cheekbone in hopes to reassure her or make her more comfortable with my touch.
“I don’t know if I can stop,” I admit and as much as it wish it wasn’t true, thinking about hurting her makes me so fucking hot.
“Stop what?” she asks tentatively, and I take a deep breath as I prepare myself to tell her the truth. The truth which could determine the fucking end, and I know I won’t be able to stop her if she wants to leave.
“I don’t think I can change who I am—especially who I am with you. I—” I cut myself off with a sigh as I step away from her. Her touch is too distracting, and I need a clear head to say this. Best to start giving her space now because I know after this, she is going to want to leave.
“I love hurting you, Essa. I always have. It’swho I am,and I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. There’s…” I pause to try to find the right words to describe it. “There is this…thinginside of me that begs and screams in my head. He needs pain. Blood. He needs to hurt people. It’s how I have stayed sane all of these years. Through what my mother put me through and so much more…”
I walk away from her to stand in front of the glass window, and I stare out at the trees surrounding my house. The sun shines bright in the sky for once and I close my eyes to enjoy the brief warmth coming in.
I feel her presence behind me, a sudden cold to the constant heat I always feel. It’s comforting, but I know it won’t last.
Itcan’tlast.
In my peripheral, I see Essa move next to me, and together, we both stare outside into the trees which always used to give me such solace, but now they are tainted with the memories of what I almost did.
What Ididdo.
I glance over to Essa and when I see tears streaming down her face, my heart falters. It pounds inside of my chest; it’s beat fast and frantic as it tries to prepare me for the pain it’s about to endure. I don’t say anything—I can’t say anything—as I wait for Essa to irrevocably shatter me.
“Vincent,” she whispers and her voice cracks as she chokes out my name through her silent sobs.
This is it. Fuck, this is where it all ends.
I’m not ready. I’ll never be ready to live without her.
