Page 8 of Monster
Essa
Six months ago
Before I dowhat needs to be done, I lie in bed and cry my fucking heart out. I cry out all the guilt, anger, and pain I’m feeling before I do this. There are things I don’t want to carry with me into the next life, so before that comes, I let it all go.
It’s not long after, the door slides open again and I tense up thinking it’s Dominik, but a nurse steps through and I heave a sigh of relief. I relax back on my bed and continue to let my tears fall freely. I don’t care if she sees. It won’t matter in a few hours anyway.
“Hey, honey. I’m just comin’ in to check on ya,” she murmurs to me before going about checking my blood pressure and my injuries. I tense as she looks over them. Not because of the pain, but because of her hands on me. I observe her as she checks over my entire body, most likely noticing all my scars. I can see the questions in her eyes as she pulls away, but she won’t ask. She has no fucking right to—not that I would answer anyway.
“So, what’s all wrong with me?” I ask. I noticed the boot on my left leg yesterday, but it wasn’t until after I woke up again. When I first woke up, I was too hysterical to notice anything other than the fucking pain in my goddamn heart. But now that I’ve had no other option than to lay here, thinking about fucking everything, I noticed a lot more about myself. Like I have bandages around my torso, and one wrapped around my head.
“You sustained a lot of injuries in your accident, Essa. I’m sure you’ve noticed many of them, but I need to tell you anyway now that you’re calm and can understand what I’m saying.” She grabs the chair Dominik has been sitting in and glances back at me, “Do you mind if I take a seat, honey?”
“No, go ahead.” I gesture out with my arm for her to sit. She does, and when she faces me again, I instantly loathe the expression on her face. I sit myself up higher while hissing as my ribs protest.
“I thought nurses and doctors were supposed to have their poker faces mastered because let’s be honest, yours fucking sucks,” I point out. She clears her throat and shifts on her seat before moving forward and taking my hand in hers. The chill of her skin seeps into my own and goosebumps crawl up my arms and across my entire body. My body feels colder than usual and I involuntarily shiver.
“First things first, you’re going to be okay. You may be in a lot of pain, but you survived. You’re one strong girl. When Dominik rushed into the emergency room doors with you in his arms, we all got you on a gurney and then rushed you up to the O.R. On the way, he informed us you were in an accident and badly hurt. He also told us your sister was in his car as well, but she didn’t make it…”
I take a deep, shuddering breath when she mentions Holley. My hand squeezes hers as I attempt to dig my nails into my palms, but she catches that and grips tighter, a grim expression on her face; her lips pulled thin and a deep wrinkle in between her brows. I take another deep breath, the pain in my chest ricocheting throughout my entire body, but this pain isn’t the physical kind. Well, it fucking might be because it feels like my heart is being fucking ripped from my chest.
She lightly squeezes my hand one last time before continuing, “I didn’t wanna tell you, honey, but I thought you might like to know he didn’t leave your sister. He carried you to the car after he got you free, then he rushed back and was able to free her too. Then he got you both here and saved your life. And I’m sure you might be angry with him for not saving your sister, but I also have to tell you, when we got her inside after you were rushed to surgery, we confirmed she died on impact from the crash, Essa. There was nothing that could’ve been done to save her. I’m so sorry.”
A tear falls from the corner of her eye, and I watch it trail down her face as she stares at our combined hands. My tears have long since dried and a sense of numbness has overcome me. That is until her next words leave her mouth.
“There’s something else I have to tell you, but if I’m being honest, I don’t want to because I know it’s probably gonna hurt you more.” She glances back up at me and I already know it’s going to be bad.
“What is it?” I demand. There’s nothing she can tell me that can be worse than losing my sister.
“The accident—” She cuts herself off before shaking her head and starting again. “The accident caused a lot of injuries. As you can see, you broke your ankle and have a head wound, but neither of those were life threatening. The bandage wrapped around your torso is because you have broken ribs and one of those ribs punctured your lung. We had to insert a chest tube and we repaired the broken ribs.”
She takes a deep breath but keeps going. “With all of that said, you got lucky. With the extent of the accident, it could’ve been a lot worse. And I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s true. It was a damn miracle you survived, girl. But…”
“Would you quit trailing off and just tell me what you need to?” I bark out. I’m getting frustrated and even though I don’t want to take it out on her, I can’t help it. I know she only wants to help me, but I know she’s going to tell me something that’s going to fucking hurt, and I need to get this over with so I can do what needs to be done. So, I can finally be done with all this fucking pain.
“There is something else that happened because of the accident. We noticed you started bleeding between your legs when you were in recovery from surgery and we drew your blood and did some tests and… Essa, honey, you lost your baby,” she croaks out, tears now running down her face in fast trails.
Everything around me slows. Time, my breathing, the blood rushing through my veins, everything. It slows until it all ceases to exist. If I thought this world was a cruel, cold place to exist before, now it feels utterly fucking brutal.
My baby…
My little baby…
An innocent little part of Vincent and me.
Gone.
Just like him.
Just like me.
“Leave,” I croak out. I don’t mean to show any emotion, but I can’t help the crack in my voice. I clear my throat and say it again. “Leave.Please.” I don’t bother to look at her as she stands, kissing my head before she leaves without a word.
The second the door closes, I lose it. My entire body shakes with my sobs. The sounds leaving my body sound completely inhuman. At this point, I don’t even feel like I exist. Everything around me twists and warps until nothing is recognizable. I don’t know which way is up or down. I don’t know where I am or how this became my fucking life.
“Why!?” I scream up at the stars, though it’s daytime, I know they are still there. “Why me!?” All I ever fucking wanted was for the stars to save me and instead, they took Holley. And then my fucking baby.
The pain in my chest increases and I force myself from the bed. I grab my new best friend from underneath my pillow and shuffle to the bathroom. Once inside, I lock the door and lean against the wall, letting myself slide down it and fall to the floor. At this point, nothing hurts. It all feels achingly numb.
