Page 60 of Monster
After about two minutes of holding her, my heart begins to feel whole. The pain and the longing I have felt for her the last six months begins to fade drastically and I panic. I shove her off my lap and push myself up so I tower over her—feeling in control again.
Don’t feel it.
“Get the fuck up. We’re not done playing yet.” Essa’s back is to me, and I can’t help but to stare at her as I watch her rise. Her movements are almost robotic as she moves, and I fight back the guilt that tries to creep inside of me. There’s not fucking room for guilt. The pain and anger I feel consumes all of me.
Without waiting for her, I step up to the table and line up my shot. The striped, green fourteen sinks in a pocket and without looking up, I ask, “Why did you leave me for dead?” I flick my gaze up as the last word leaves my mouth because Ihaveto see her reaction.
Essa’s entire body locks up at my question. Her face contorts as if in pain and I feel a surge of anger rush through me.
“I had to be free. Not only from you, but from Ben. Sierra. This entire fucking life. I couldn’t do it anymore and I thought I could get out and be free with Holley.” Her voice shakes as she speaks, but it doesn’t deter her—my strong little baby doll. “I craved and longed for the type of freedom wolves have and I foolishly thought I could have it. But I was wrong. I should’ve known I couldn’t ever be free.”
She stands straighter as if the action itself could help her feel any better, but it won’t. Nothing will.
I don’t say anything about what she said. I need to think, to process. In the meantime, we will play this fuckin’ game.
Essa shoots and she makes another ball—the orange five—and doesn’t hesitate to ask me her question. “What happened to Dominik?” Her eyes plead with mine for an answer she’ll be happy with and, unfortunately for me, she will be.
“He’s still alive. All I did was knock his ass out because I was more concerned with getting you home. But he deserved so much fucking worse for even fuckingthinkingabout touching you,” I grind out. Of fucking course she would ask me about that motherfucker. As if she didn’t spend the last six fucking months with him, thinking I was fucking dead because she shot me!
My chest heaves and I close my eyes.
Control it.
My monster wants to fucking rage and he will, soon. Just not yet…
I open my eyes and Essa takes a deep breath of relief at my answer. Without saying a word, she leans down to take another shot, but her hands are shaking, so she misses drastically. Her entire body locks up with what’s to come and I can’t help but to smile.
As I walk over to her, I pull my knife out of my pocket and quickly flick it open. Surprisingly, she doesn’t move as I advance on her and I want to praise her for being such a good girl—but that’s not what this is. This isn’t something good between us. This is just part of the game.
Essa’s entire body radiating tension as I grab her right arm and straighten it out in front of me. I avoid her eyes as I glance down at her arm and the thick scar—a very new scar—stands out drastically. “CREEP” is still visible underneath of it, but this new scar proves she truly tried to end it all.
That’s something I really don’t want to think about, though the pain radiating through my chest tells a different story. I use every ounce of strength I have and push those thoughts away. Because I can’t care. She doesn’t deserve it.
Gritting my teeth, I look past the scar taunting me and press the tip of my blade to the soft flesh of the junction of her inner arm. I quickly swipe my blade across her skin horizontally. It’s not big, and not terribly deep, but I know it stings—exactly what I wanted.
I stare, rapt, at the blood oozing from the fresh wound and without thinking, I bring my head down to her arm, until my lips are hovering just above. Her blood calls to me, tempting me.Beggingme to have a little taste.
I dart my tongue out and flick it against the cut, barely making contact, but her blood soaks my tongue, and the metallic tang of it makes my dick twitch in my pants. The feeling snaps me out of my reverie, and I pull away, mentally scolding myself for being such a fucking dumbass.
I turn away from her and move back to my side of the billiards table where I left my cue stick. I pick it up as I glance over at Essa. She remains frozen in the same spot, her eyes wide and her mouth slack.
I smirk as I lean down to take my next shot. “He’s alive,” I say to remind her of our conversation. “For now.” Essa gasps at my whispered words and my anger has me missing and the cue ball doesn’t even end up touching another fucking ball as it veers off to the left.
“God fucking damnit,” I spit out as I lean back.
“What happens whenyoumiss?” she asks with mockery. I always find it so amazing how this girl’s emotions go back and forth so many fucking times. Ten minutes ago she was sobbing on my floor and now she’s sassing me with a smug look on her beautiful fucking face. Truly astounding, the crazy bitch.
“Guess you get a free question,” I suggest because I honestly didn’t think I would be missing any fucking shot. I’m amazing at this game and it’s very rare I actually do miss—but Essa always has a way of fucking with me, so I shouldn’t be surprised.
“Oh, okay. Were you the one leaving me CD’s?” she asks with what seems like hope. I’m taken back by her question. Well, shit. I definitely wasn’t expecting her to put it together so fucking quick.
“Yeah, baby doll. I was the one leaving you gifts,” I answer her honestly, even though it pains me too. I actually didn’t want her to figure out it was me so fast. The whole point of me leaving her those gifts was to fuck with her head, but I guess now that I have her with me in person now, I can fuck with her head differently.
Essa glances down at the floor as her eyes squint. She appears deep in thought, and I can’t help but to stare at her. Why the hell does she have to be so tempting?
“Why did you choose those songs?” She is still staring at the floor as she asks me, her tone quiet, but determined.
“Aht aht aht, baby. That’s two—you only get to ask one.” But right as I say that, I hear the balls smack together as she sinksanotherfucking shot. What the fuck?
