Page 45 of Creep
It’s nowFriday morning and I’m still lying in bed even though it’s after ten a.m. I hear Vincent downstairs doing whatever the fuck he’s doing. Ever since I rushed up here last night, he’s left me alone, surprisingly.
After he told me I wasn’t allowed to do it anymore, I was expecting him to stomp up here, chasing after me, but I’m more than relieved he didn’t. I need to fucking think but my mind won’t process a damn thing. It’s running round and round in circles, swirling like a fucking hurricane.
“Heavier” by Slaves plays on my iPod as I twirl the cord to my earbuds around my fingers. Vincent’s words from last night ring loud and clear in my head. Even my fucking music can’t block them out.
“But for some twisted reason, I crave you.”
I don’t know why, but it’s the main thing that’s sticking with me. Guilt has long seeped into my pores and has now sunk deep into my bones. It eats away at me the more I lie here, but I fight it. I don’t need to feel guilty. He took me as a fucking trade for money.Me. A human fucking being.
He hurt me.
He still hurts me.
He’s not a good man.
I need to be free.
I repeat those four things over and over in my head, hoping like hell they fucking stick because this guilt is making me nauseous. The only time I have ever felt like this was when I tried to kill myself. I have never been so selfish in my life, but this is a lot like it, or at least it feels similar.
I’m putting Holley’s life on the line and risking everything with these papers I have stuffed in my headboard because if Vincent were to ever find them, or somehow find out I have possession of them, he would kill me and then nothing would stop my father from going after Holley.
I don’t exactly know why I copied the papers. They seemed important and at the time, gave me a sense of freedom I needed. A back up plan—or maybe a plan in general because I don’t fucking have one to begin with.
All I know is I need to get out of here. I’ve been getting far too comfortable in a situation which is anything but. I’m starting to feel things for this man Idefinitelyshouldn’t be. It’s not right and it is fucked up on so many levels. And that’s where he was right. We are two insanely fucked up individuals who have found solace in one another.
As much as I hate him, he’s not wrong. I crave the pain he gives me as much as he loves to dish it out and it’s why this is so complicated. I don’t really have it that bad here, now anyway, but solace is something I don’t want to keep, something I don’t want possession of.
At the beginning it was rough, really fucking rough, but now it’s okay. I haven’t seen Ben and Sierra in months and I get to talk to Holley every day. I can eat whenever I want and I pretty much get to do whatever I feel like doing.
It certainly doesn’t help my decision making Vincent is really fucking good in bed. I never thought sex was something I would ever want, let alone crave, but he has awoken something inside of me I don’t want to part from.
Passion.
Desire.
Pleasure.
Pleasurewithpain.
Pain has always been my go to escape from reality. Whatever went wrong or whatever was too much to handle, the simple fix has always been a blade to my skin. A few angry swipes and I would be rocked out in blissful agony. It’s my system. Always has been and probably always will be. But Vincent has shown me a different way to slay my demons.
With pain and sex.
My mind has become a muddled mess and I can’t tell which way is up and which way is down anymore. All I know is I’m fucking struggling to stay afloat more than I ever have before.
Vincent fucked everything up with what he said earlier. I was perfectly content living in blissful ignorance, but then he had to go and run his fucking mouth ruining everything, and causing every single question that has been stuffed in the back of my head to come screaming to the forefront of my mind, blindsiding me.
As if on cue, “I ALWAYS WANTED TO LEAVE” by The Plot In You plays next and I feel the weight of every decision come crashing down upon me.
I know what I have to do, butfuck.
This is going to hurt.
I pick up my phone and hit the redial button.
22
Vincent
