Page 55 of Creep
Holleyand I are driving down the interstate and she remains quiet as I sit here trying to process everything that happened. My hands still shake even though we left a couple hours ago. Memories of his bloodied torso will haunt me for the rest of my life and I know I will forever feel this crippling amount of guilt.
I still can’t believe I shot him. I didn’t mean to, but I lost my damn mind and everything consuming me became too much and…
But I had to get out of there. I couldn’t remain someone’s prisoner for the rest of my life because it would've been forever.
I’m free.
I’m finally fucking free.
I can have a new life and start the fuck over, just me and Holley like I always dreamed of.
I repeat those words over and over again in my head like a mantra, hoping the more I repeat them, the better I’ll feel. So far, it’s not working.
“Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd begins to play on the radio and Holley reaches over to the volume knob and turns it all of the way up without saying a word. She knows me so fucking well sometimes.
Not being around her these last few months made me realize how much I miss her presence and how truly happy she makes me. Even though I feel like shit right now, I know I’ll be okay as long as I have her by my side.
We’ve been through hell and back together. We fuckinglivedin hell.
We can survive Vincent fucking Anthony.
I twist my fingers in my lap as my leg bounces to the slow rhythm of the song. I close my eyes and lean my head against the window as I stare out into the dark night. I let the lyrics flow through me and tears trail down my face, but this time, I don’t even try to wipe them away. I feel the music and let myself feel the pain.
All of it.
I fucking let it in.
And once the song is over, I bottle all of that shit back inside and wipe the tears from my face, attempting to pull myself together even though I know I’m a fucking mess. Holley turns the radio down and slightly turns her body to me, but keeps her eyes on the road.
“Essa. You don’t need to pretend to be anything around me. You know that, right? I’mherefor you. I always have been and I always will be.” She flicks her eyes over to mine quickly. I shrug and push her comment off. She has no idea how pathetic I am. How strong I’m reallynot.
“Don’t fucking shrug at me, Essa Jaymes. I’m serious. I know you think I don’t know anything, and that’s probably mostly true, but I do know you have always had it worse off than me. I know father treated you differently and mom straight up acted like you didn’t exist.
“I know you always put me first and struggled so damn much just to give me everything you could. I fucking love you and I appreciate everything you have done more than you could ever know. But now it’s time for me to help take care of you. It’s time for you to lean on me. It’s time for me to be the strong one.”
I glance over to her and the light from the dash allows me to see her tears that are running down her face. She sniffles, but somehow remains strong.She has become much stronger since leaving home and I envy her so much for it.
“I mean it. It’s time for you to tell me everything. Tell me what the fuck all of that was.”
I cringe, but I know it’s time.
I dragged her into this and it’s time she knows the truth.
The truth abouteverything.
Sitting up from my slouched position in the seat, I adjust my seatbelt and turn my body to the left until I’m sitting sideways in the seat, with my gaze directly on her.
She keeps driving, continuously flicking her gaze my way every so often as I spill my fucking guts.
I tell her everything.
Starting from the very first night.
The night Ben ruined me and crushed my fucking soul. The very same soul Vincent seemed to find again, but now it’s gone forever. Left by his side when I stepped out of his room and in its place remains the creep.
All I’ve ever been is a goddamn creep. Useless, worthless, utterly fucking alone. Then Vincent came into my life andfucked me up. I was his slave in every sense of the word, but now I realize it was with not only my body, but to the way he makes me feel.
He irrevocably demolished my very existence and my heart will forever have a Vincent sized stain.
