Page 34 of Deception & Daylight
“I’m such a mess,” she says through a laugh, though the sound is strangled and false. “I think I’m defective.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ever since…” she inhales sharply before she tries again. “I can’t… I mean… sex is… even by myself… I’m not making any sense. This is so fucked up.”
“Hey. It’s okay. Take a deep breath and try again. I’m here when you’re ready.”
“I can’t remember what happened,” she murmurs. “Everything went black, and I woke up in the hospital, sore and every shade of purple and blue imaginable, like a goddamn inkblot test. There was an ache… but I don’t remember.”
An ache.
Fuck.
Part of me hoped I was wrong about my suspicions, but here she is, baring her soul to me, confirming my worst fears. I swallow thickly around the anger that’s rising to the surface, listening intently to each painful revelation. “Now, every time I try to make myself feel something again, there’s a barrier. I panic, or my body shuts down. I can’t even write about it without feeling dirty. But when we… behind the bar… that was the first time I felt human again. And even if I wanted to, I can’t bring myself to regret any of it, Miles.”
She glances up, the evidence of her emotional breakdown all but gone as she wipes the last remaining tear from her face. “I just want to feel like myself again. I don’t want to be afraid of intimacy. I don’t want to let that horrible experience ruin my life anymore.”
“What happened to you — fuck, Maggie. It pains me to even think about it. You’re so fucking strong.” I can see the self-doubt creeping in as she gazes up at me. “I mean it, Mags. I am in awe of you. And I don’t regret a single second of what we did behind the bar. You wanna go for round two, say the fucking word.”
She sniffles, and a small smile teases the corners of her lips. “My god, who are you and what have you done with Miles Barlow?”
I return the smile as a little bit of her playfulness resurfaces. “I’ve always been here. You just weren’t paying attention.”
She inhales sharply, her body relaxing into mine on a stuttered exhale. Her gaze turns towards the window in quiet contemplation, and we sit like that for a while, with my arms wrapped around her body. She’s holding me together just as much as I am for her, and I wish I could tell her the truth now. But it would be wrong to add that burden to the already heavy weight she’s carrying when I can continue to shoulder it for the both of us.
“I don’t know how to feel anymore. One minute I’m fine, joking and laughing. And the next, I’m falling apart at the seams.” Maggie absentmindedly traces the scar on my forearm with her fingertips, and I don’t know if she even realizes she’s doing it. My past isn’t something I like to talk about, but I find myself wanting to open up to her… someday.
“You’re healing, baby. There’s no right or wrong way to do that.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s almost like it never happened, but I know it did, and I feel guilty because I’m glad I can’t remember. Does that make me a terrible person?”
“Why would it?”
“Because so many women go through the same thing. They have to relive every detail, day after day, and theycan’tforget.”
“You are not more or less than for having a different experience. The knowledge of what happened is still there, and it’s enough to tear even the strongest person apart. How you choose to grieve or heal is not diminished by the absence of your memories.”
“Thank you for saying that.” She turns her face and kisses the underside of my jaw, letting her lips linger on my skin. The touch feels monumental, and it takes all of my strength not to bend slightly and seal my lips over hers. Instead, bury my nose in her hair and inhale the scent of her shampoo, enjoying her company for as long as she’ll allow it.
We sit in silence for what feels like hours until Maggie begins to drift off to sleep in my arms. I slowly creep out from under her, replacing my body with a pillow before tucking a blanket around her. She looks peaceful, and it kills me to walk away, but Maggie needs time, and I can give her that. When she’s ready, I’ll give her everything.
Chapter 14
Mags
?Where the Skies are Blue - The Lumineers
Ibarely remember making it up to bed after waking up alone in the window seat, but I slept better than I have in a long time. I run a hand through my tangled mess of hair before checking my phone. I have a missed call from my dad that I have no intention of returning, and a couple of texts waiting for me. The first is a message from Lucy telling me to head downstairs for breakfast when I wake up, and I realize I might be a little in love with Miles’ mom. Maybe I can keep her for myself. I shoot off a quick response, letting her know I’ll be on my way shortly, before opening the next message.
Miles: Hope you slept well. You looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to move you. xo
He attached a photo of me fast asleep on his chest, and my stomach does that little flip again. I wasn’t expecting to bare my soul to him last night, but there was just something about the way he looked at me that made me feelsafe enough to open up. Miles has carefully chipped away another of my barriers, easing some of the burdens I’ve been carrying without any added pressure to give more than what I’m willing to offer. Somehow, in those quiet moments we shared, Miles became the calm to my chaos in the most unexpected way.
Mags: Like a baby. Thanks for the cuddle.
Miles: I’ll be your big spoon anytime, Wildcat.
After tugging on a pair of worn jean shorts and a faded, oversized tee, I head downstairs to the kitchen, the familiar creak of the old wooden stairs beneath my feet. Mama Lucy is already there, with a big copper bowl and a whisk in hand. “Morning! How do you feel about pancakes?”
