Page 120 of Even Vampires Bleed
One of the cracking sounds resonates closer than all the others, and then the door is wrenched open.
“Who did this to you?” he asks vehemently.
I’m not sure what he means by that. I read romance books and that’s the kind of sentence the female main character hears after she gets wounded or after the male main character discovers scars on her body, but there is nothing here that would warrant that kind of question.
I must look at Léandre like his question is freaking dumb, so he speaks some more.
“Who made you so emotionally damaged that you can’t even enjoy someone’s attention? Who made you so scared of intimacy that you had to run away so as not to endure my caresses?”
He’s demanding answers, but at the same time, his voice sounds so deep and soft compared to the harsh sound of the heavy rain outside.
His voice is softly trying to coax answers out of me, but his questions? His questions are incisive. They’re painful. They’re raw.
And I hate them.
I hate him just for uttering them.
I was sad and in pain just a few minutes ago, but now?
Now, I’m raging because he’s probing where it hurts and that’s what I was scared the most of until now.
Because he’s picking at scabs that haven’t healed yet.
Because he’s pouring salt inside wounds that were already refusing to heal.
Because he’s forcing me to say things that I don’t want to talk about.
And I explode.
“You!” I yell, but I don’t give him enough time to question my answer. “You’re the reason why I can’t let myself fall into your arms. You’re the reason my heart is broken; you’re the reason my heart shatters every day a little more. And you know what’s worse? You don’t even know. Because you forgot. Because your brain was erased, and with it, any trace of me, any trace of us. Because in an instant you got a clean slate and I had to mourn our happiness, and I still have to face you every day. I still have to face you and you don’t know. You’re oblivious to what I went through with you. You’re oblivious to what I went through because of you. I fell in love with a man who disappeared, and you’re inhabiting his body. And it’s hard. It’s freaking hard because I still have feelings for the old you and also for the new you, but all you seem to want is my body. Maybe it could be right, but I don’t know how to dissociate things. I don’t know how to take pleasure without pouring a bit of my heart into it. And you freaking don’t know what you’re asking of me. It seems simple to you? For me, it's the hardest thing ever, because you still have that damn brain chip, and what is going to happen when they trigger it again? You might lose some of your abilities in addition to your memories, but you’ll forget you ever had those. It’s going to be normal for you because you won’t know any better, but for me? For me, it’ll be hell again. Because you have no idea how hard it was to just start living again when you forgot all about me. How just getting out of bed felt like climbing a mountain, how getting out of my room felt like running a marathon, how seeing you smile like nothing was amiss felt like a truck was driving over my heart. So you ask me who did this to me? Maybe it’s mainly those damn archangels who decided they could play god with your memory, but it’s mainly you. It’s always been you. So please, if you have just a bit of love orrespect for me, you’ll stay away because I won’t survive a second time with my heart being crushed.”
I stop, and barely above a whisper, I add, “Please, don’t do this to me again.”
63
Léandre
I’m frozen where I’m standing. It seems to be the thing today. First, at the threshold of our room earlier today, and now, at the threshold of yet another room.
Except this time, it’s not my body commandeering the frozen state.
It’s my heart.
Because she’s right.
I had no idea about any of this.
Somehow, until now, I had forgotten how I found her in my room just after I lost my memories.
Somehow, I forgot how I found her crying next to my door when I walked out.
Somehow, I forgot that there must have been a reason my pillows smelled like her.
Somehow, I forgot that I didn’t start existing on the first day Iremember.
I thought I was an asshole earlier for trying to push her in my arms when I knew that she wanted me, but that there was still something holding her back. That was nothing next to what I’m feeling now.
There’s a thing I know for certain now.
