Page 63 of The Night Ride
For now.But what happened tomorrow, or the next day when he left.I’d already said goodbye to him once, I didn’t think I could do it again.Not without ripping out my still beating heart and handing it over to him.
But the drugs the hospital gave me compounded with almost dying from smoke inhalation, and my eyes closed as the tide dragged me back under.
***
Two days later I laid in bed.We never talked.Aiden had stayed with me at the hospital and had been the sole of propriety, telling me to save my voice and we would talk soon.I didn’t want to know when he was going to leave me again.
With the bakery shut down, I had nothing but time on my hands to rest.Aiden had taken my phone away when he saw me trying to work.And had even threatened to tie me to the bed if I didn’t listen.
The whirring hum of the lawnmower infiltrated my bedroom.Aiden was outside taking care of things while I rested.
But we both knew he would be leaving soon to head back to base.He’d told me he would stay until then.But there were so many things that we’d left unsaid.Like why he had come back.When he finished outside, I planned to question him, because I couldn’t stand the uncertainty.I understood more than most what loving him would be like.
Hard.Not the loving him part for that was as simple as breathing.No, it was watching him leave, knowing he was headed towards danger and waiting for him to return.Hoping against all hope that he would.While understanding that I would spend sleepless nights worried about him and might have to face losing him on some distant shore.
And I didn’t know how to make Aiden understand he could trust me and that I would never leave him.
Sighing, because I’d asked the heavens to give me a sign or signal, something, anything to know how to handle this situation, and glanced at my nightstand.The thick ivory envelope with my name and address in Evan’s handwriting sat on it.
Ready to exit the quagmire of my tumultuous emotions, but the only way past the impasse was through it.
I snatched the envelope and ripped it open, before I thought better of it.Withdrew the thick folded paper and opened it.Another envelope spilled onto my lap with Aiden’s name scrawled on it.
My stomach clenched.What?I didn’t understand.I stared at the envelope for a full minute before I lifted my gaze to the letter in my hand and began to read.
Beth,
I need to tell you I’m sorry, for several things.I know you won’t fully understand why I have to go, but I need you to know a few things before I go.
I adore you.I remember the day you were born and getting to go to the hospital to see you that first time.I sat in the hospital room with Mom and Dad and our surprise gift.I always thought I would be an only child, but you made me a big brother.And I loved you instantly.When they let me hold you that first time, I swore I would be the best big brother in the world and would always protect you.
I didn’t keep my word.I know how much you had to do after Dad died and Mom descended into alcoholism.I know I wasn’t there for you like you needed me.But I need you to know I’m so damn proud of you and the amazing woman you’ve become.And even as I write this, I wish I could stay just so I could watch all the amazing things you’re going to be and do in your life.
And I’m so sorry about the night with Aiden and the harsh words I hurled your way.You didn’t deserve them.I saw your face, I know how much I hurt you.Please forgive me.I didn’t mean them.I’ve been messed up in the head for a long time after everything I’ve seen and done.And for a while there I took it out on those closest to me because I didn’t know how to deal with it.
But I also saw the way you looked at him, with love, and it scared the bejesus out of me.Because I know how hard it can be, loving someone whose job is dangerous in the best of times and worse when in another corner of the globe a powder keg ignites.
And I didn’t want that life for you.I wanted to protect you from it and from Aiden too.
Not that he would ever harm you physically.But we’d just lost two of our own and we were all messed up from it.
Here’s what you need to understand about Aiden.He married young, right as he enlisted in the Navy.And his wife couldn’t handle it, told him that he needed to quit.Aiden can be stubborn.Because to him, he’d given his word that he would serve, and when he makes a vow, he doesn’t break it.He’s one of the best guys I know.
But if you’re going to love him, give him time, give him space, and give him loyalty.Which is something his ex-wife was incapable of doing.She cheated on him.And had the divorce papers sent to him overseas.
I was there when he opened the packet from his ex-wife with the petition for dissolution of marriage inside and watched a man I admired break.
The thing is, I think your sweet kindness and generous heart are exactly what he needs.Be patient with him and he will come around in his own time.
I’m so fucking proud of you, sis.Know that I will be protecting you from the great big beyond.I love you.Always.
Evan
I broke.My sobs wrenched from the deepest corners of my heart and soul.Why didn’t I see that he was trying to protect me?Why did I allow something that petty to come between us?I held my hurt up as justification of the distance when I never saw his pain.He was always so stoic.
When I heard the garage door shut, I shoved the letter into the bedside drawer and raced into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
I needed a minute.And I didn’t want him to see my tears.Whatever time we had left I didn’t want to spend it wallowing.He was only for a short while longer and I didn’t want his memories of me to be full of tears.
