Page 85 of The Player Penalty
Suspicion confirmed. “Okay, we’ll tackle the easiest part of this first. You have my promise. If it becomes necessary, I’ll tell you.” Her eyes sink at my word choice, so I tilt her chin so they meet mine again. “Here’s another promise, one you didn’t ask for. You will never, ever hear me tell you that. If we end, it will be you doing the ending.”
“Julian, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
That amuses me, and I can’t stop a brief smile from slipping out. “I’m very clear about that part. That’s my third promise.”
“I get anxiety attacks.”
“Yes, I’ve witnessed them.”
“They might get worse.”
“Then we deal with it.”
“You’re not listening to me. I forget to brush my teeth. I can’t keep a bedroom clean. There will be multiple voices in my head, each telling me to do something different until I have no choice but to sit and wait for them to decide. Julian, you’ve known me with medication. It’s not a cure; all they do is help me function.”
She forgets. “I’ve seen you unmedicated before, Lily.”
“Yes, and you thought I was weird.”
“Well, I’m kind of dumb.” I lift a shoulder. “It was also untrue, a fact you show me every moment we’re together. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“Yes, but-”
“No, there’s no ‘but’. Do you think anything you said is new or a surprise? It’s not; none of it is. I’ve seen you focus intensely on one task and suddenly switch to another. Like light switch quick.” I snap my fingers to underscore the point. “You leave random items in random places. A shoe in the bathroom or your hairbrush in the kitchen. It’s not a big deal; they can be put back. Clean bedrooms can be solved with a cleaning service, which I already have.”
“I would make it so much worse.”
“Then we double up the service.” That implies we’ll formally move in together. We’ve never deliberately spoken about it, although I always assumed it would eventually happen. “None of this is new. If you go off your medication, then we deal with that because it won’t change who you are, not to me. Do you want to know how I see you?”
“Only if it’s positive.” Says the woman who’s kicked my ass at every game we’ve played. Her pleased smile encourages me.We’ve switched games around, and always with the same result. Lily picks up on the rules and strategy before me every single time, regularly making my faster reflexes useless. It’s now a running joke between us. “I remember you supporting Sarah when she fought with her brother. She needed support, and you gave it.”
“She was miserable, and I wanted to help.”
“That means you’re kind. You also gave me a second chance when I asked for it.”
“I get it. You can stop now.”
Lily’s eyes shine, so I pull her close, wanting to catch any tears that might fall.
“No, we’re not done. I’ve seen your work at school, so I know how difficult it is for you. You never gave up, and that’s determination. Also, do you remember that stupid internship you applied for last year?”
“Which one? I bombed two of them.”
“Their loss. Still, that proves my point. You kept at it and landed a third at a place you enjoy. That’s bravery. None of that has anything to do with medication, Lily. It’s who you are.”
The promised tear finally slips out, and I catch it while another threatens. “No one’s ever described me like that.”
“They should have. I’ll get that fixed tomorrow.”
Her shoulders shake, and relief hits me.
“You worry this is temporary, while I wonder over how great it is to have you around. You’re the first person to set foot in this place, the first person I wanted here. Because I wanted you. Do you know how wonderful it is to be in this world with you? How lucky I consider myself to be with you?”
“Julian, I get it. You don’t have to say anything else. I believe you.” Lily does, too, because the anxiety in her voice is gone. She won’t tell me a worry but lets it out when she includes a lilting sound at the end of every statement. I don’t think she’s entirely aware she does it.
“Well, good, but unfortunately, I’m not done yet. Let’s get this all out there now.”
Her eyebrows scrunch together with confusion. Her lips briefly purse before she asks, “Get all of what out there?”
