Page 23 of The Player Penalty
“Don’t let me fall.”
“I won’t.”
9-Lily
“It’s been three months since our last meeting. You were considering switching to an education major then.” Dr. Lambert asks. “Are there any updates?”
The worldly sophistication I once found striking in Dr. Lambert is still there. She puts a great deal of care into her wardrobe. Today, her jade earrings match her green blouse, creating a look that works perfectly with her black hair. Past that, I see laugh lines and the first strands of gray peeking out next to one ear. She’s more approachable than she was a year ago, and that’s due largely to the progress I’ve made over the past year.
It isn’t scary to tell her the truth anymore.
“I switched majors this semester. It will add another year of study, provided I continue full-time and take a class over the summer, but that’s it.” I huff, letting my hands rest in my lap. “I wish I made this decision a long time ago.”
“Well, you made it, and isn’t that the most important thing?”
“Yes, I suppose.” What was it Julian said? It was good news for him since I’ll be around longer. It’s good news for me because I’ll be around him longer. “I meet with my new faculty advisor again next month to plan my remaining courses.”
Dr. Lambert glances at her computer, probably reviewing notes from our last session. Every appointment is the same. We review notes from the previous meeting, I give her updates, and then we talk about medication. I resented the first few appointments, and any talk of medication only reaffirmed my sense of failure. It’s strange to think of taking my daily pills as only a habit now. Granted, they’re a habit that isn’t a habit yet, but I can function. How do I explain to other people that normal is my aspiration?
“You were concerned your dad would disagree with your decision. How is he taking it?”
Dad was silent, only commenting on how proud he was. “He was fine. He said I’m doing much better and that I’m handling more responsibility.” It came out condescending, but I don’t mind. Dad constantly searches for a compliment, sometimes leading to a clumsy delivery.
Dr. Lambert types a few sentences and leans back in her leather office chair. She tucks a stray lock of hair behind her ear, and I don’t have the urge to copy her. “He’s right; you should feel proud. I notice the difference with every appointment. Your hair is looking great, by the way. I once wanted your thick hair so bad that I put yogurt and mayonnaise in it every night because a friend told me to.”
Gross. “Did that work?”
“Not even a little.” She smiles and puts her arms out. “We all do silly things to fit in. To this day, I can’t eat anything that contains either ingredient.”
“I do have great hair.” Pulling until it breaks and splits can disguise that. It was painful to break the habit, but the difference was completely worth it. “I’ve been experimenting with it lately.”
“Last time you were here, we talked about your job with that motorsports company. You have a friend there, Julian, right? How is that going?”
For most people I know, motorsports and NASCAR are their entire lives. It’s my dad’s job, and Julian drives professionally. It’s strange to hear other people who barely think of it at all.
My cheeks are warm, which means I’m blushing. “It gives me a place to go when not at school, and Julian is nice. He’s a good friend.”
Nice and good are the two most banal positive words in English, but if I use anything more, she might think I have a crush—or worse.
“Lily, can I ask if you’re developing feelings for him? There’s nothing shameful in it if you do. You’re a grown woman, and I would expect you to want a relationship or go on dates.”
That’s the dreaded question, and not because the idea of dating embarrasses me. I’ve considered how to date or gain a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend. I want to kiss, go on dates, and get naked. I want to hear someone other than my father call me beautiful.
Do I want to do all that with Julian?
The man I want is still a hazy figure, hiding in a smoky shadow and waiting for me. Julian is a real man, while my dream man is a dream. Reality is always more difficult to manage.
“He’s my friend. We get along well, and we fit, you know? Two people who become friends, even when it surprises them both. It’s pretty wonderful having a friend, you know?”
Dr. Lambert laughs at my expression. “It is wonderful; you’re right. Quick, since our time is almost up. Med check. You’re ina great place, but the ultimate choice is yours. Do you think any changes are warranted, or do we continue at the current dosage?”
I don’t even hesitate. “Continue.”
∞∞∞
“Are you going to eat that?” Dad asks.
I hand over the rest of my baked chicken and continue eating the last of my asparagus. Julian and I went for milkshakes this afternoon, so I’m not hungry. Naturally, he doesn’t need to know that. “What time is the flight on Friday again?”
