Page 44 of Purgatory
Jax
After dinner, I had to get away. I had to process these thoughts. Thoughts of the guys, thoughts of Alessandra, thoughts ofher... Emma.
It’s been a while since Emma took over my thoughts like this. Visions of her baby blue eyes, blond hair. Thinking about it now, it should have been obvious from day one. Alessandra has a lot of the same features. Maybe that’s why. Why I keep my distance. Why I haven’t kicked Alessandra out.Why Aly’s taken over my dreams...
That is, when Icandream. Lately, it’s a crapshoot. A Russian Roulette of lust or terror. Sometimes Alessandra graces both genres. Those are the worst. Waking up, drenched in sweat, cursing the invisible demons for taking her. For hurting her.For killing her.I’m never able to get to her in time to save her and it breaks my soul each and every time.
Rough nights turn into impossible mornings but, somehow, I get my ass out of bed and force myself to take control over and over again. When I've finally calmed myself down, I go downstairs and even though I try to avoid seeing her, I unconsciously seek her out. When I do find her, those memories of things that never actually happened, consume my thoughts and all I want to do is take her in my arms and shield her from everything that goes bump in the night.
But I can’t do that. I want to. God, do I want to. But I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve her.
Not after what I did...
And didn’t do...
Not when my brain is a fucked-up mash up of scenes that should belong in a Quentin Tarantino movie rather than in my subconscious. Not when I can’t control myself in the middle of the night. Not when I know that no matter what I do, I can’t protect her all the time. Not when I couldn’t even protect Emma...
So, I’ll continue to keep her at an arm's length. Keep having her stay here because just that little bit will protect her from the outside, even if it doesn’t protect her from the beast inside. I know all too well what needs to be done if things go bad. The evil I must become to follow through when it’s all said and done.
Distance makes it easier to bare.
I can keep my distance to placate the beast. That I CAN do. Harden my heart to her. Assemble the armor around my soul to keep her from ending up in my cross hairs. Let’s face it, what happened to Emma was my fault after all.
She should have never come here. We should have never made her stay. But now I can’t even think about a day where she leaves us. It's a dangerous thought to have.
But I can do what the others aren’t able to. I can keep my distance. Keep my focus on what needs to be done to keep us all safe. Not tempt fate and pursue more with her like the others have. Not want to wrap her up in my arms and tell her just how much she affects me on a daily basis. No. I can keep the embers at bay. I can tame the impending inferno. Even if it burns me up instead.
As long as my distance from her keeps me vigilant in my duties, it’ll be worth it in the end. It’ll be worth it if my attention remains focused on our tasks and not distracted bythe angel blinding us to what lurks just beyond her. Those dangers in the dark, while we’re blinded by her light.
I just have to keep telling myself it’s for the best. I can do what needs to be done. Not form a connection. Not have what I want, even when it’s standing right there in front of me. But let’s face it... let’s be real here...
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
∞∞∞
Three days later, I find myself in the kitchen. Puttering around, mindlessly opening and closing cupboards, willing myself to find some sort of motivation to get through the day. Last night was rough. Hell, the past few days and nights have been rough. I don’t even look at the mirror anymore because I know I must look like absolute shit because of it all. Anxiety and borderline panic attacks throughout the daytime. Constantly battling my demons at night. Fitful sleep doesn’t even cover it. The worry for Aly’s safety has officially consumed me.
I was afraid I would get to this point. Caring for the girl who stormed into our lives. Setting myself up for even more potential heartbreak that could ultimately break me completely this time.
My memory goes back to that day with Emma. How I couldn’t save her. She was there and in an instant, she was gone. That’s all it takes. Just one second and everything is fucked. No amount of physical preparation can prepare your mind to handle something like that.
I don’t deserve Aly. She doesn’t deserve me and my hefty baggage. My nightly terrors that make me forget who I am andforce me to look at what I have come to be in this world.
A savage.
A killer.
Some would call it mercy. I can’t find it in myself to take the easy way out with niceties. The soft placations people can choose to use to justify and tame the beast I must become. The beast I have to face every damn fucking day. It doesn’t take away the horror I’ve lived.
I’ve been to war. Death isn’t a new topic to me. Losing someone isn’t new to me. Losing someone because of me, now that’s a different story. Guilt weighs heavy on the soul.
My shoulders slump at the weight and I turn towards the island, bracing myself there in my attempt to calm the nerves. To silence the screams in my head. My fingertips turn white from how hard I’m grasping the countertop in my attempt to lift the pressures weighing down on me. I stay there, not moving, barely breathing. Seconds... minutes... hours? I lose any concept of time as I try to find myself in the darkness once again.
Footsteps echo down the staircase just as Cole appears. He doesn’t say anything when he sees me. Just takes in how I’m standing, nods, walks over to me and places a firm hand on my shoulder, squeezing once before letting go.
He gets it. Both Cole and Hawk know what happened and have talked me down from the proverbial edge more than once. I can’t thank them enough for that and their continued support through my episodes.
Cole moves towards the coffee press, shaking it in my direction. A silent question in his intent. You would think that coffee would probably be the worst thing for me right now. Caffeine makes you more jittery, more anxious but in my case, it’s part of the routine. Part of bringing me out of my chaoticthoughts and back into normalcy. Cole knows that.
