Page 75 of Purgatory
She pauses for a second, taking a deep breath and looking off in the distance. I could tell this was difficult for her, but we were here ready to hold her up if she needed it. To build up her strength, fortify her defenses and help her move on, just as we all did. Jax reaches for her shoulder, offering her a quiet nudge of encouragement to keep going.
“I’m young. You don’t think about everything when you’re young. Mostly, before everything went to shit, I bitched about my job like 99 percent of the rest of the world, wondered what I was going to have for dinner, maybe who I might see on the weekend. Will I finally have the guts to just make a damn move on the hot neighbor next door who’s been eyeing me ever since he moved in?” She giggles, making us all smile as she reminisces about her past.
“Just normal shit, you know? I even prepared for the normal shit people our age worried about, like contraception. I didn’t just get on a birth control pill. I got a fucking IUD. And not just any IUD. I got the one that lasts like ten years and was hormone free. Why? Because you could miss a pill, you could miss the depo shot, you could take fucking cold medication and it would render the pill not aseffective. The IUD was 99 percent effective, no interactions with any medications, and I didn’t have to do a damn thing about it for ten years. I thought, ‘sign me up!’
“Sure, I’d want kids eventually. I loved the thought of having children. A little mini me running around, causing chaos and turning my hair grey from years of unconditional love paired with the inevitable anxiety of being a parent. But in my early twenties when life was just getting started? Absolutely not. I wanted to live. I wanted to travel. I wanted to do all kinds of dumb shit that I would initially regret and then laugh about years down the road when I looked back. Just do me, you know? And then one day, I would settle down with someone and have children when we were ready and prepared for them.
“Then everything happened, and do you know what I realized? Now, whether I wanted to or not, whether I was prepared to or not, I can’t even think or wish or hope to have kids at all anymore. Why? Because raising them in this fuck-hole set of cards we’ve been dealt isn’t fair. It isn’t safe. It isn't feasible. I guess it’s bittersweet, though. Having this IUD saves me a lot of anxiety in the long run. The chances of me getting pregnant with it are less than one percent. But what if I get to a point where I want to have kids? I can’t even broach that subject because it’s absolutely insane. What would happen to them if something happened to me and they were still a baby? How could they possibly think to survive this horror show? They couldn’t. Plain and simple. Game over. It’s just... it fucking sucks!”
Frustrated tears flow steadily down her face and all I want to do is hold her but I also want her to finish and let it all out. She needs a moment of catharsis and that’s what we could offer her. I look over to Cole and Jax and they nod back at me, confirming they’re on the same page.
Let it overflow like a river, baby. We’ll be here when thefloods subside.
“There were times, in my travels down south, where I would randomly hear babies crying. I don’t know for sure if they were real or not. By that point I had been alone for months so I’m sure hallucinations or some other mind-fuck could’ve been to blame. I would search for them, call out to them, mourn them when the cries died out, all the while mourning myownlife and the life I may never get the chance to bear.
“That day, in the house, they had a room. A child’s room. Filled to the brim with toys and life and happy memories and all I could think was, ‘where are they?’ and ‘are they ok?’ I still like to believe they found a way out. A safe place. But who ever really knows for sure?
“We’re just dust in the wind at this point. Surviving but not living. Stuck in a never-ending cycle of lackluster hope and bittersweet melancholy. The constant build-up over the months finally must have gotten to me and I couldn’t be in that room any more. It was suffocating. I ached for fresh air and optimistic possibilities. Looking back, I guess you could say my wishes were granted to me that day.”
I scrunch my eyebrows at that, confusion setting on my face. “What do you mean, sweetheart?”
She looks at each of us again. “I’m not proud of it, but I wished, silently, every so often, in those last few weeks, for an end. An end to the never-ending loneliness, death, and defeat. Sure, there were some good days, but who would I be able to share those with at the end of the day? I had me, myself and I. Fuck, Istilltalk to myself. I know it’s a coping mechanism, but it’s all I had. In the end, in those lonely months, it didn’t really matter. I begged for release. I begged whoever would listen to me to grant me the strength or a savior to come rescue me from my eternal purgatory and put me out of my misery for once and for all.
“Then,youfound me. My guardian angels. My devil dogs…my loves. You saved me from it all and brought me to a literal paradise. I mean, have you guys seen this place?!”
She laughs, gesturing to the house around her and we all join in, laughing with her. The emotions of the story getting to all of us. Even the most stoic of us shed a tear or two.
I lean over to boop Jax on the nose to let him know it’s ok. Cole and I were right there with him, clenching our jaws so tight our fillings were probably cracking as we speak. We all move in on Aly then, surrounding her with love and affection and practically crushing her little body with ours as we all hug her.
“I love you guys...” She croaks out quietly. We each take our turns lightly peppering her with kisses all across her face and neck and lips while echoing her sentiments. When we finally release her, she continues. “But it’s my turn to issue out pain...” She giggles as she wipes her eyes and face clean. That's right...we were playing a game. Damn that was deep as fuck but she managed to turn that around like a pro.
“Jax… truth or dare?”
“Let’s not let you be the only one in the hot seat, truth.” He replies.
“Ok... How long have you had the nightmares?”
Ho-ly. Shit. Yup. Aly officially has the biggest balls of all of us. I mean, I’ve been curious about this myself but I wasn’t about to ask him flat out about it. Jax’s pride is a big deal for him and I wasn’t about to cross that boundary until he was ready. Didn’t matter if he was practically my brother, he led that shit. All the more reason why I sit up a little more in anticipation of his response.
He looks at Aly. Silence filling the air. His eyes move from her to Cole, then over to me. Finally, he nods, “Fuck it. If she cando it, so can I.”
Before I can make a move of encouragement, Aly is right there, kneeling up to him and kissing him on his forehead. She smiles as she backs away, but before she could get that far, Jax pulls her into his arms and sits her between his legs on the floor, cradling her close.
“You guys know I’ve had nightmares for a while but eventually they went away. The therapy helped back then. Sadie helped.” Right on cue the pup meanders over to Jax, offering her affection and wet nose nudges.
“I hadn’t had one in years. Not even after Emma. You would think that would have triggered something but no.” He looks at Aly in his arms and squeezes just a little tighter.
“It wasn’t until Aly was found and y’all brought her back that they started again. At first, I couldn’t understand why, out of nowhere, they seemed to come back. But then I looked at Aly, saw the resemblance and the absolute need to protect her and the fear that I would be ‘less than’ once again.” He takes her face in his hands, turning it to the side, making her look deep into his eyes, the sincerity palpable.
“I can’t lose you, Baby. When you were taken, it was like I was possessed with the need to save you, regardless of the consequences.” He pulls her head down to his lips and kisses her tenderly on her forehead before continuing.
“Funny enough, even though I had been having those nightmares nightly since you showed up, they stopped almost as quick as they started.”
That perked up Cole a bit more, ever the doctor and always curious, “When was that?”
Jax looks longingly down to Aly, “The night we slept together.”
Aly smiles at that, tears back in her eyes at hisproclamation.
