Page 62 of Purgatory
I clench my jaw at her insinuation. Assault in any form, especially sexual assault isn’t something to be taken lightly. But instead of becoming angry all over again and potentially triggering her with my reaction, I choose to reassure her, to calm and steady her mind. “Those guys are gone. I’m not going to let anything else happen to you. I promise. You’re safe now.”
She nods, accepting my words and relaxing at their meaning. “I know. I know I’m safe with you. I’ve always known, even when you didn’t. I don’t even know how you found me in that basement but I’m so thankful you did.” Her eyes start to tear up again but I can see her trust in me, and something else I can’t quite put my finger on, behind them.
God, looking at her right now, all I want to do is sit next to her and pull her into me, my arms so tight around her, I don’t think I'll ever let her go. But I know I can’t do that, regardless of how much I want to. I haven’t earned that yet. I haven’t earned her respect or forgiveness. Not to mention, after what she went through, sensitivity to her state of mind is key.
Pushing my wants away, I know what Ineedto do, so I gently turn her face away from the comforter she’s picking at and lift it to meet my eyes. I need to see her and makeher see me when I say it. I’ve waited too long and wasted too much time at this point. Not only that, but once we get back to the house, I already know getting her alone again is going to be damn near impossible. After this debacle, those two won’t ever let her leave their sights again. She’ll be lucky to use the bathroom without a security detail parked outside the door. It’s now or never. So, I make it now.
“Aly... I’m so fucking sorry. For everything. For how I treated you. How I pushed you away. How I reacted back at the house the day I left. I was being unreasonable. I thought you’d be safer if I took myself out of the picture. I thought I could stay away.... I’ve had a lot of time to think about the past... about everything....” I place my hand on her cheek, the other holding her close by her hip, thankful that she doesn’t push me away at the contact. “But ask me what I’m thinkingnow...”
“What are you thinking?” Her breathing escalates. It's like she already knows but doesn’t have any clue. The anticipation overwhelming her. I forget about the dead bodies littering the house outside the room and let it go. It’s only her and me right now. Nothing else matters. I take a deep breath and...
“I’m thinking I love you, Aly. And after that realization, I’m done thinking anymore. Because that’s all I need to know from now until I die. Simple as that. I love you, Aly.”
Silence. Deafening silence. I might even think she stopped breathing.... She’s not moving. Not blinking. It’s like she’s catatonic. Fuck, I think I broke her. I didn’t expect her to say anything back but I didn’t expect her to shut down like this either...
Fuck...
Chapter 40
Alessandra
Scrumptious, chocolatey eyes are all I see. Jax’s eyes. And I’m absolutely speechless at his declaration. “I love you, Aly.”
I’m not sure how much time passes, but I can’t seem to will my brain to connect any of its synapses. It’s not like I didn’t wish for him to feel this way about me. Rather, it’s that I never thought he ever would. The drastic change in his response sends me plummeting off of my emotional rollercoaster into a proverbial nose dive and I have yet to find my way back to the track.
Holy fuck. He loves me. I could sense some of what he was trying to hold back but love? Where the hell didthatcome from. I would have thought Cole or Hawk would have said something like that first. Definitely either of them. And most definitelynotJax. How much was he hiding?
Obviously, a metric fuck ton if he’s dropping Charlie Brown hearts like beads at Mardi Gras.
I suddenly realize I'm no longer breathing when he picks me up, wedding style, and scoots me back on the bed. He cradles my head in the pillows, making sure I'm comfortable and then retreats to the end of the bed in order to lift my legs over his, massaging my feet.
I feel like I'm in the fucking Twilight Zone. A fucking foot massage too????
“Aly, speak to me, baby girl.” The worry evident in thehighs and lows of his voice. His strong fingers start working out months of stress and frustration from my feet, eliciting a groan and waking me up out of my self-induced stupefied state. He starts to pull his hands away at the noise before I chime in.
“Nooo, no no no. Don’t stop. Please, don’t stop.”
He responds with a silent smirk and returns to his task, really focusing on my calf now. After a few moments of drawn out silence, his smile falls.
“Aly... I didn’t mean to startle you. I’m sorry. I should have waited. This wasn’t the right time to drop all of that on you. Not after everything you just went through. I wasn’t thinking. I just--”
“Jax...," I interrupt. He doesn't need to apologize. That's the last thing he needs to do. I just needed to reboot my brain to understand what was going on. It's back online and fully operational now. "You saved me. How did you know where I was? How did you get in here? There were people. Other guys besides the ones in the basement with me. How--?”
He stands up and moves up the bed closer to me, shaking his head at the question. His hands take one of mine, his fingers rubbing small, gentle circles on the back of it.
“Don’t worry about them. And once this horde moves on, we’re going to get the fuck out of here and back home... where you belong... with all of us.”
He waits on baited breath. The look in his eyes is one of hope and concern. Maybe he thinks I don’t want to be with him anymore. Especially since I didn’t return his sentiment about loving him. It’s not that I don’t. I just don’t know yet. I care about him. Hell, I came all this way out for him, by myself, against the wishes of Cole and Hawk. For him. Maybe I do? And maybe I'm just afraid to admit that to him just for him to run away again.
Regardless of that fact, returning home to all three of them sounds like heaven. It’s strange - feeling so comfortable with all of them.
Sure, Jax pisses me off and is a walking enigma, but there’s a quiet beauty to him and I can’t seem to shake off my feelings toward him. He’s like a lone tree in a field. Isolating himself from everyone but yet you can’t seem to keep yourself away. The curiosity overwhelms you, pulling you in, seeking out the comfort and safety in its shade, until you’re surrounded by the branches and never wanting to leave its embrace.
They each have their own unique qualities that draw me in. Why should I have to choose? Why would I? Who is left that I need to impress or worry if they approve? No one. Just me and them and the limited time we may have left on this rock. That thought hits me like a freight train.
How much time do we have left? We could all die tomorrow for all we know. Why am I hung up on if Jax may or may not leave me tomorrow? Today, he loves me. Perhaps for the rest of the time we have left too. Why waste that time rather than seize it? Fuck it.
Carpe that fucking diem, biotch!
