Page 51 of Purgatory
His absence saddens me but makes me all the more determined to talk to him about everything that’s going on. The possible anger I saw in his eyes just now isn’t an emotion a person would emit who is, supposedly, indifferent to this arrangement. I almost want to walk into his room and confront him about it right now but lose the urge to as Cole’s arm wraps around me from the front, enveloping me completely between him and Hawk.Another day.I tell myself.Eventually, I fall asleep. Surrounded and taken care of. Sore but satiated.
There’s no turning back now. Pandora’s box is open and I’m ready for the chaos it brings.
Chapter 33
Cole
She’s so soft. I can see myself holding her like this forever and never grow tired of the way her hair and body feel in my hands. The way her curves mold against my body. Our chests so tightly pressed that I can feel her heartbeat as well as I feel my own. Aly has become my drug of choice and I am shamelessly addicted.
I’m not sure where the events from earlier came from but, man, am I happy it happened. I’m normally a calm person, but this, this feeling of peace and purpose is on another level. It’s like this was all meant to happen. The pieces fell where they were supposed to and here we are, fitting together like a jigsaw puzzle.
When I came upstairs, I didn’t know what exactly I would be walking into. But seeing Aly standing there, naked in Hawks arms, afraid to even look at herself, pulled at something in me. The same feeling came over me earlier on the boat. I didn’t understand why she was avoiding her own reflection. She's beautiful. That’s it. No other words necessary. The girl is fucking beautiful. And she needed to see that one way or another. If I had to be the one to break down her walls and build her back up into a confident, self-loving goddess then so be it. I’ll, happily, be on my knees to worship her every night if I need to. I’m sure the same can be said of Hawk.
I was pleasantly surprised there was no awkwardness or resentment from him at my domineering nature. It seemed to be working for him just as well as it was working for Alyand myself. We’ve known each other for years and, after what we’ve been through, are closer than some actual brothers. But I don’t think he’s ever seen that side of me. It makes me wonder what else we can test out in the future.
Speaking of testing, Jax is just about to be testing my last damn nerve when it comes to his relationship with Aly. I get it, he wants to maintain his distance and keep things platonic due to the events of his past and Aly’s undeniable resemblance to Emma, his ex. But that’s not what it looked like an hour ago.
After the fucking hottest sexual experience ever, I got up to grab a warm wash cloth, cleaned her up, and covered us all in blankets. Jax didn’t know I could see him standing in the hallway like a fucking stalker. And I know Aly saw him, since they simply stared at each other for a few minutes. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the frustration in his jaw as it tensed, the anger in the way he clenched his fists, even the sadness radiating from his eyes. He wants Aly as much as Hawk or I do. Hell, with the way he’s looking at her, he might even love her for all I know. Stranger things have happened in shorter amounts of time. But come on, it’s the fucking end of the world, own that shit before it’s too late.
I can’t deny the chemistry between all of us. The deep pull on my heart whenever Aly enters the room or runs up to me, breathless with the need to draw me into a hug, or even better, a kiss. It’s the same when I see her. The urge to drop everything I’m doing and go to her. For nothing is as important as the need to hold her in my arms. I see the way Hawk’s breath catches when he sees her in the garden, the sun shining off of her blonde hair, making her look like a damn angel, stuck in the underworld with the dogs of hell.
It’s funny. In the Marine Corps, they called us Devil Dogs. If you look at mythology, the devil dogs would guard the entrance of the underworld and protect its treasures. The similarities to our current circumstances are unmistakable toanyone who took the chance to look. We might as well put up a sign on the front gate saying “Welcome to Hell.” Fuck, with the current state of everything, it seems fitting enough. And, with respect to Aly, we certainly have a treasure worthy of protection. And she can bet her sweet, plump, little ass, we’d die to protect her.
Every one of us.
Even Jax’s grumpy ass.
Chapter 34
Alessandra
The days come and go and, even after a week, I still haven’t been able to check in with Jax. In fact, I’ve barely seen him, just his calling cards everywhere. Each morning, I wake up to freshly baked something or other downstairs on the kitchen island. I see new eggs on the counter from his time in the coop. I see his boots by the door, still muddy from his morning rounds. But I have yet to see him. Every night, our regular dinner time arrives and dinner is on the table waiting for us when we return home but Jax seems to take his portion, choosing to retire early to his room. I asked Cole and Hawk if they’ve seen him and they both confirmed that they have, but I'll have to take their word for it. Apparently,avoidanceis the word for the week.
I guess it answers my question about if he’s ok with everything.
He’s not.
Cole, Hawk and I have continued with our rendezvous. Sneaking little glances at each other as the days carry on. Turning everyday chores into an erotic game of tag. I’ll go off with one of them in the morning and then get passed off to the other in the afternoon. Evenings are spent snuggling up together in my room either one on one or all together depending on the day and the level of exhaustion we exhibit.
Surprisingly, they haven’t had trouble sharing. They each get their own personal time with me and seem to be okwith that. As for me, I’mmorethan ok with it. If there’s one thing that should be on every woman’s bucket list, it’s to beworshiped like a goddess.It’s a divine confidence booster. Even if I can’t figure out what is going on with Jax. Even though his continued absence is creating a vortex in my heart, sucking away at my happiness.
I saw the looks he gave me when I first arrived. The fire in his eyes as he looked up and down my body. I know he’s attracted to me. And after all of our time together since then, it’s made it all the more obvious- I know he cares about me. But I also know he has a lot of baggage to work through. I guess I shouldn’t be greedy and want him too. But I can’t help it. I can’t help the fireworks that explode in my chest every time I see him. I couldn’t help it that night when he pinned me to the bed, how it made desire pool in between my legs and my heart tremble in excited anticipation. How it still does as I remember that moment when I lie quietly alone in bed.
Which is where I am right now. In my bed, alone, with my dirty thoughts. A dangerous combination if I do say so, myself. Both of the guys were wrecked from their mutual day in the hot sun - weeding, moving debris and mending fences - so they opted to pass the evening resting and recuperating without the temptation of me there making them want to stay awake forotheractivities. I miss them, now, realizing how big the bed is without their large bodies hogging most of it. But, then again, there’s something to be said for having it to myself, as I currently starfish my body across it, grinning that I don’t have to deal with guy farts tonight.
The struggle is real, y’all!
My thoughts return to Jax. His story pulls at my heart and makes me wish I could just go to him and comfort him in any way he needs. But he keeps me at arm's length most days. I can’t say it doesn’t bother me after all the time I've spent with them. Thefriend zoneis not always the friendliest place forthose occupying it, in my opinion. What can I say? I want him and can’t help that I do and regardless of what he says, I know he wants me to.
You would think that days filled with Cole and Hawk would placate me and keep my mind -let’s face it, and body- fully occupied but I guess I'm living up to my newly acquired ‘slut mode.’ But that’s ok. I’ll be their dirty little slut and love every minute of it. I’d be Jax’s too, if only he’d let me.
“Emma!”
I lift my head from my pillow at sounds coming through the walls. I’m not entirely sure I heard correctly. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time my brain played tricks on me. Especially, in recent months. I wait, grating my ears for more.
“No... Don’t!”
I definitely heard that. It’s coming from Jax’s room. I lift the blankets and swing my legs out of bed. Quietly making my way over to the joining wall, my ear pressed to it.
