Page 46 of Sinful Desires
Théo LeRoy had seen my downfall headfirst, and I was fucking ashamed of it.
I got out of the pool, dripping and shaking, and made my way to my apartment quickly with only one goal: to numb it all. To forget every second of tonight.
My mind kept dragging me back to Luke. He had been right. I wasn’t strong enough for any of this on my own.
Drugs were the only strength I had.
With shaky hands, I dug my nails into my arms, scraping them deeply enough to draw blood, dragging them up and down as I rocked back and forth, sobs tearing out of me, deeper and deeper, until nothing else existed but pain.
“I hate the way I live, but I can’t stop. Selling pieces of my soul for another shot. They keep clapping while I drown, guess it’s easy to adore me when I’m going down,” I sang softly, my throat tight, the words catching as they left my lips.
The lyrics of the song that said it all. The song that held the core of my heart.
“Hate The Way I Live.”
It was the first song I’d ever written that told the truth. The truth about fame. About myself. The first time I’d let people inside. But even now, even in moments like this, it was never enough to save me from the hell I lived in.
And in the dark spiral of loneliness, craving a high and desperate to forget, if drugs and alcohol weren’t an option, I would always reach for the next best thing?… someone to fuck the emptiness out of me.
And I hated that the only name echoing in my head tonight was his.
Chapter
Fourteen
“Soldiers can sometimes make decisions that are smarter than the orders they’ve been given.”
? Orson Scott Card
Théo
I paced the room, my chest tight. The city lights flickered beyond the glass, indifferent.
My heart wouldn’t fucking slow down. My tongue kept swelling, choking me. My throat burned. My skin felt scorched. I couldn’t swallow it down. Couldn’t breathe through it. Couldn’t claw my way out.
Théo!
Tout ça c’est de ta faute, Théo.
On ne te pardonnera jamais.
Fuck.
I should have let the pretty girl drown. I should have stood there, watched her sink, and moved on with my fucking life.
But no.
I had to dive in too. I had to save her, and now, because of her, that same burn had come for me again. The same one that clawed up my spine every time I was dragged under. That old, familiar ache wrapping around my lungs, biting into my throat, sinking its teeth deep, and drinking me dry.
But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fucking do it. Her life meant too much to me.
I would follow the oath I had made. To protect her—even from herself. Even from the wreck she made of me.
I sat on the edge of the bed, shoved my head into my hands, and tried to count.
Un. Deux. Trois.
Anything to drown out the sound of evil breathing close, sinking its teeth into my ear.
