Page 19 of Deadly Knight
I force my mouth into a meager smile, trying to reassure her even if it’s an utter lie. “Thanks.”
Her expression softens, and she walks the tray to my bedside table, resting it down. Her eyes track where I’m holding on to the journal, my hand tight around my secrets.
“How do you feel?”
I shrug, not sure I can accurately answer, and I don’t want to completely lie to my parents. I owe them that much, so a shrug is the most truth I’m able to handle.
Mama’s lips fold in the corners. My answer isn’t what she wants, but it could be worse. “Well,” she says after a beat, “are you up for a visitor?”
I instinctively stroke the ribbon around my wrist. The only piece of me that survived the attack. What the nurses never took off my body, and my parents allowed me to keep, understanding what it means to me.Whomit represents.
The verywhoasking to visit. The one I’ve spent days thinking about and, at the same time, trying to push from my mind altogether. Guilt has me wanting to see him because none of this was his fault, but like I knew in the hospital, I’m not ready for us, two changed people, to come face-to-face with one another so soon after.
“I-I can’t. Not yet.”
Mama gives me an understanding look. “At some point, you’ll need to. He’s suffering as well,dorogoy.”Dear.
“I know. I will. I want to.”
“But not now,” she finishes, reaching to cup my cheek. “I’ll let him know now isn’t the best time. Whenever you’re ready, and not a moment before then.”
I press my hand on top of hers as a silent thanks before releasing her to leave. She goes, shutting my door, and I pick my pen back up, ignoring the guilt that she’s only going downstairs to shoo him away.
It’s not fair. I love him too much to hurt him. But what happened to me also wasn’t fair, and I shouldn’t have to fear Ivan making a repeat happen in the future.
What’s that saying? Life isn’t fair. Guess it’s true.
Mama interrupted to give me more food we both know I won’t eat and to tell me he’s downstairs, asking for me. I can’t because I have to finish writing this. (Yes, this is an excuse you and I both know is a lie.)
As I was saying, nothing is random. More so, maybe I should have seen this coming.
There. I said it.
Meeting Dimitri Volkov changed my life. Suddenly the mob was real, and I made myself a willing part of that world. In some ways, it was cool. Not that I’ve ever done any of the drugs myself, but I can respect the business behind it. When he went off training or away on jobs for days at a time, other than missing him, I understood. That was his world and I had mine, and for us to be together,we needed a balance. For years, I’ve been working on that balance through the anxiety that one day all my work won’t matter because life as an adult is much more complicated. Suddenly all my work may become teenage fantasies.
From the moment I met Ivan Volkov, Dimitri’s papa, he never once hid his dislike for me. After a lot of nagging, Dimitri finally admitted the truth: His father sees me and any relationship Dimitri gets himself into that isn’t a predetermined engagement to better their organization as being in the way. In other words, he believes I was holding Dimitri back.
So while the events of these past few days are shocking, I probably should have seen them coming. I mean, I never could have imaginedthatbeing the event, but a deep-rooted fear always knew Ivan would dosomethingat some point to drive a wedge between his son and me.
Fuck. I think it’s happening.
I should fight the wedge…but what if I no longer have the energy to? I love Dimitri with all my heart, but since waking up in the hospital, I’ve had to think about a few things. Things I never thought I ever would…but then again, I also never thought I’d be raped. Life can be unexpected that way.
For you, Diary, I’m going to list them.
-Can I honestly walk into his home, knowing Ivan is skulking somewhere, and feel safe?
-What if there’s a time, even in another few years, when Dimitri will have to choose between me and the Bratva? Now, I’d like to say he’d pick me, but once he’s fully sworn in…I don’t know. It’s too unknown how the future will pan out. The deeper into the Bratva he gets, the more his father will get into his head. If Ivan orders me out of his life, will Dimitri still choose me?
-What’s to say Ivan won’t send more people? The moment I return to Dimitri, he might do it again. And again…and again. Am I setting myself up for a world of torture? At some point, will love be enough?
-Can I actually get better being in the same city as Ivan? Or when I see Dimitri, but know he goes home to the man who ordered the execution on my well-being? I need the nightmares to go away. I need to move on—although it seems impossible. It’s the one thing the psychologist said that I agree with: I can’t letthemwin forever. Living in the dark, allowing myself to relive that night over and over, isn’t how my life should or could go. To let them go means not giving them that power over me. But if I continue in Ivan’s circle—because to be with Dimitri keeps me inthat range, even if I’d like to believe otherwise—will I be able to heal, or will the sight of Ivan or even hearing his name send me into my own head?
-What about Dimitri? Canheheal properly by having me around all the time? Is it even smart for two traumatized people to heal together? I should have asked the psychologist. Did our bond of love transform into a trauma bond? Will we be together only because of this shared experience? My fear and his guilt.
-What does the future even hold for us? EvenifIvan accepted me (fat chance!), can I be the woman Dimitri will need? Right now, he’s eighteen, but eventually he’ll be like the other soldiers, like his father and uncle. Aged and worn from life in the organization, blood staining his hands, and countless other crimes I can’t list because I probably couldn’t guess them. Right now, I’ve been fine with his life, but could I say the same in ten years? Twenty? He needs a forever woman…and I want it to be me, but I’m scared it won’t be. Can I accept his world knowing how his world has already hurt me?
-What if there’s a time when I’ll need to shoot a gun? Will I want to? Is that me? I want to teach kids and have a nice house one day. Safe.
