Page 22 of Deadly Knight
It’s the most attention I’ve ever gotten from him. It’s weird. Make it stop.
Me
Fuck off.
Sorry.
I rub my hand over my face, using the break to calm me down before I say shit to Lev he doesn’t deserve.
Lev
Haven’t seen you around in days. For a second, I figured you were out of the city on a job.
I hesitate. Lev’s trustworthy, but telling him where I am means explaining why, and for now, this can’t get out. Can’t give Papa more power than he already believes he has. Whathappened to Katya is my personal task, and no one else needs to know.
Me
Local job, can’t explain.
Lev
Not one Ursin or your father sent you on? What have you gotten yourself into?
Never mind. If it’s a secret, no worries.
Me
Thanks.
As for my father, tell him you passed on the message and I’ve demanded he leave you alone. He reached out to me already. Obviously didn’t like my answer.
Lev
Got it. Good luck with whatever you’re doing.
Luck isn’t what I need right now.
Diary,
I barely sleep. I barely eat. I barely function.
Dimitri’s outside. Mom told me he’s waiting for me to see him by remaining close. Knowing that becomes an ongoing battle with myself as I wrestle with wanting to get out of bed to peek behind the curtain and see him for myself and wanting to hide forever. Guilt keeps me down. Guilt he’s hanging around, all because I can’t get out of bed and drag myself downstairs.
He’s been bringing me things over the days. Soup I’ve managed to sip down, consuming more than anything Mama has made for me. Flowers that are now in a vase on my dresser across from the bed. Istare at the white petals of the lilies as I fall asleep and wake up.
He’s doing everything he can because he loves me.
And I love him.
But I’m about to break his heart.
I can’t.
I must.
I don’t want to.
The hospital’s psychologist said to start twisting the negatives into positives. Stupid idea. Rape turns into survival. That’s not a positive, but a fact. Besides, did I survive? Like, actually. If this is survival, I’d prefer death.
