Page 95 of Whirlwind
When your father found out her plan was to come back and pack you up, he hated her for it. Instead of blaming himself, he blamed her and then you.
He erased her from his life because it was easier for him. Maybe he thought it would be easier for you, too. I can’t say.
Her name was Nimii Marian Ray-Ashcroft. I don’t believe she had much family by the time she met your father. Hannah Markle is the name of the friend whose funeral she went to Montana for. She has a brother who handled the arrangements for your mother’s burial in Montana. Your father didn’t bring her back here.
I hope it’s enough of a trail for you to find any answers you’ll need. It’s all I have.
This will be hard information for you to process. I’m thankful you have a support system now to help you. Nimii would love that for you, too. Though I didn’t get to know her as much as I wish, I’m certain she would be as proud of the woman you are as I am. Please live with that knowledge strong in your heart, Kitpu. You have always been wanted and loved.
Don’t follow in my footsteps. Stay on your path. Live for yourself, live without regrets and fear. Shower your love onothers and take the love they give you with the same exuberance.
It’s the most important thing in life.
I’ve loved you always,
Grandma Anna
Holy fuck.
No wonder she’s such a mess.
“I’m so sorry, Kit,” I say.
Sorry isn’t a big enough sentiment, but what do you say in a situation like this? How is she supposed to handle finding out her mother has been dead for over twenty years from a death bed letter?
Jesus, the shit she’s been through in her life would bring anyone to their fucking knees.
“Why is he so horrible?” she asks, speaking about her father. She’s calmed down since handing me the letter. Silent tears fall from her eyes; other than that, her anxiety has subsided. Or rather, morphed into despair. She still looks like the saddest woman I’ve ever seen. I’d do anything to change that. What, though? There’s nothing that can take this away from her.
“I don’t know,” Willa says.
“What do you want to do?” I ask, rubbing my hands along her thighs to comfort myself as much as her. The heaviness is a cinderblock on my chest. The shock of it all is difficult to process, for me, and I’m much more removed from it than her.
Finding out you’ve been lied to your whole life by your entire family is a soul-crushing level of bullshit. Her father has a lot to answer for, and she still hasn’t seen him. Not only will she befacing him for the first time in a decade, but it will be with the knowledge that he didn’t tell her that her mother is dead.
“My thoughts are all over the place,” she confesses. “Right now, I want to eat pizza. I want to watch something stupid and mindless until my brain defrags and I can think coherently.”
“We can do that,” Willa says. “Stupid and mindless. You leaning toward something in particular?”
“Schitt’s Creek?” Damian suggests, but she shakes her head.
“Love Island?” I ask.
“No, I can’t take all that screaming and cheering tonight.”
“Midsommar,” Willa chimes in.
“Fuck. Yes, that’s it.” If this conversation was happening at any other time, I’d be laughing my ass off. Because what the actual fuck?Midsommaris anything but mindless. Though, Kit doesn’t relax the way most people do. Easy television is true crime documentaries and the goriest horror movies. If a pagan cult flick that violently murders people is how she sorts through her brain, who am I to tell her differently.
We all sit on the floor around the television, pizza boxes spread out in front of us while the movie plays. There isn’t much conversation, and all three of us watch Kit for any sign that her anxiety is taking hold again. Other than how she normally retreats into herself when she’s contemplating something, she seems okay.
I can’t imagine how I’d react in the same situation. Truth be told, I’ve never had real trauma. The worst I’ve been through is a breakup, which is trivial to anything Kit’s been through. But I imagine I’d rage. At life for being cruel and unfair. At a father for keeping such detrimental information.
Yeah, I’m sure I’d rage.
I want to rage for her, bury everyone that’s ever caused her offense. This sweet, unexpecting woman who only wants to exist in the world as who she is. A brilliant mind, a heart full of love, and a little bit of chaos to keep things interesting.
My heart hurts when I look at her. It hurts for her, and it hurts that she’s not mine. She should be mine. I believe we’re meant to be. Kit is my person. All the messy thoughts I had the night of the gala are gone. I’m clean. It’s clear to me.
