Page 35 of Whirlwind
“What if I’m not who he thinks I am? What if he’s not who I think he is?”
“There aren’t guarantees like that in life, but from what I know of him, he’s a good guy,” Willa says.
“You know I’m not very good with no guarantees.”
“I know,” she says, smiling softly. “I also know that it’s your nature to gather data before making decisions.”
“Dating is like data analysis?” I question more to myself than my best friend. It’s an idea that my mind perks up at. Love isn’t something I understand, but data makes sense. Collect it, evaluate it, then make a determination based on that evaluation. It’s how I live, how I make so many of my decisions.
I’m the gal that reads every brand label before I choose which granola bars to buy, comparing ingredients, size, price. If I do that for even the mundane things, why wouldn’t I do it for the big, important things, too?
“In a way, yeah.”
“Nothing says you have to commit to it, either. If you don’t like dating, or it makes you too anxious, you tell him that,” Zander says.
“Are you comfortable enough with him to be honest about your concerns, or even your past experiences?”
She means Derik. He’s not someone I talk about. Willa knows, of course, but she’s the only person I’ve told my whole story to. It’s not a pleasant tale, it’s shameful and tragic. Triggering.
It’s not something I’ve told Zander, Damian, or even Isla.
I probably need therapy. No, notprobably. I’m sure I should have been in therapy for years. But that would mean I have to face my trauma with a stranger, and that freaks me out more than facing it with a friend.
I don’t think anyone is born with an innate sense of self-awareness. I’ve always believed it’s a learned trait, and one most don’t ever accomplish. Mostly because it’s not in our nature to evaluate our own weaknesses, downfalls, mistakes. We’re always taught to focus on the positives.
I’m no different. Coping, and learning to live with flaws or quirks, allows for me to pretend that my past doesn’t live like an anvil chained to my ankle. I hear what she’s saying, though. If this is something I want, any kind of relationship with another person, I need to be able to share the most vulnerable things about myself. Because I’d ask the same of them.
In a way, I already have asked that of Tyson by prying into his feelings about Isla. While simultaneously sidestepping the topic every time my lack of a dating life comes up.
“No,” I admit. “I want to be brave enough to try, though.”
“It can be scary,” Damian says. “But we’re here for you in whatever way you need us to be.”
“Not only does it scare me to open myself up, but statistically, it almost seems like a complete waste of time. About seventy percent of new couples break up within the first year.”
“Glad we made it past that,” Zander says.
“We’re only a few months past it, let’s not jinx it,” Willa says with a playful wink.
“Maybe it’s the relationships that start with a foundation of truth and trust that stand the test of time,” Damian says. “Not the ones that are based on societal pressures or that look good on Instagram. But the ones that embrace the ugly moments as much as the beautiful ones. Love is more than a kiss with a pretty sunset as a backdrop. Find the person that will hold your hand through the stormy days, too.”
“What he said,” Zander says. “I wouldn’t have made it through the whole ordeal with getting custody of my sister if not for these two.”
“I don’t believe that. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for,” I tell him. “But I understand what you’re saying. Where is Callie, anyway?”
“At a movie,” he says, crossing his arms across his chest. “With her boyfriend.”
His face morphs into a disgruntled frown, and I stifle a laugh.
“Max is a good kid,” Willa says.
“There isn’t a horny teenage guy on the planet that’s a good enough kid for my sister.”
“Well, the way you scared the shit out of him when he came to pick her up, I’d be surprised if he has the guts to do anything more than hold her hand,” Damian says.
“He fucking better not.”
“Zan opened the door wearing just his workout shorts,” Willa explains. “Poor kid had to see that thick neck, bulging biceps, and the biggest hockey thighs on the team.”
