Page 146 of Crew Princess
“It’s off-campus.” His hands flexed, holding me tight and in place in front of him. “They relaxed their housing restrictions, and freshmen can live off-campus. We’re going. And you’re going.” His eyes narrowed. “You’ll get a job. Whatever. I don’t care what you do, but you’re coming. We’re not doing next year without you. All of us decided. You come, or none of us go.”
My mouth dried. My lips parted.
“What?”
I hadn’t heard him right.
I’d expected a talk. I’d expected Jordan and Zellman to go to college. Or maybe Cross or one of them would stay behind. I—I was cursing myself. I just hadn’t thought. I’d locked myself up and tried to throw away the key.
“I’m sorry.”
“What?” His hand lifted, sliding around my neck. He tilted me toward him again.
I said it again, my hands hanging at my side. “You guys shouldn’t have had to do this behind my back. You shouldn’t have had to do any of it, wondering how I’d react. I’m sorry for that.” I took a deep, but fucking painful breath. “I shouldn’t have put you in that position.”
His eyes closed for a second. “You really think I give a shit about that? I love you. Iloveyou. You and me. We’re still crew, no matter what happens.”
His words were pretty and loving, and for the life of me, they couldn’t wash away the sudden humility I felt.
That darkness in me, the firefly that liked to come out and keep me company, it had gone away. I didn’t know when it happened—if it was after we saved Alex, or maybe before that. After I stabbed Principal Neeon, after everyone rallied around me, or maybe when I realized Cross loved me. Or maybe it’d just been a slow fading light over the year, through counseling, through letting others in. I didn’t know.
I just knew I was standing here, feeling ashamed, but also in shock because I was alive.
The usual fear or panic or even anger that might’ve come after hearing the guys had made a plan behind my back didn’t come. It just didn’t.
“You okay?” Cross asked.
“I’m just embarrassed.” They went to Channing about this. Heather too. “But also a whole bunch of other emotions too.”
At that moment, Harrison walked by, head bent as he shuffled through notecards.
“Hey, Harrison.”
He paused, his gown unzipped and his tie swinging to the side. “Yeah?”
“You’re valedictorian, right?”
His eyebrows rose. “I’m surprised you knew that.”
Cross frowned. “What the fuck?”
It wasn’t a slight. I wasn’t taking it as one. I nodded at him. “Where are you going to college next year?”
“Yale.”
Cross was frowning at me. Harrison was frowning at me. After our talk at the buddy-system meeting, we hadn’t spoken again, but it had meant something to me, and I was just now realizing it.
“Thank you.”
His eyebrows shot even higher. “For what?”
That was for me, for now. “Just thank you. And good luck with your speech. I have a feeling it’ll be great.”
His eyes narrowed slightly, but he shrugged. “Okay. See you guys out there. I think they want us to line up now.”
There was a slight breeze with a twinge of salt in the air. Hot, but not humid, and why I was noting these things was beyond me, but I was. I knew they were important because this moment was important. This was the day I decided to look forward instead of being paralyzed in place and gripping my loved ones so tightly they couldn’t move forward either.
I was graduating.
