Page 26 of Steeling Light
“We found a secret passageway,” I say, ignoring the rest of her question. “Cole used it for years as a place to recover from his father’s punishments.”
Mother doesn’t respond, waiting for me to answer her real question. “We had to grow up, Mother. I learned that the only way to stop people’s suffering is to kill the ones who are doing the tormenting. I’ve seen so many people hurt over the years. You came back here, to this place where you’re in charge. You came to the city known for beauty, and I stayed in the city known for its strength. The problem with strength is that when the strongest are cruel and heartless, there’s no one to stop them from hurting people who are weaker than them.”
Then I smile. “So, we learned to be strong. We trained to fight when we had to fight. We learned to be clever.” I hold up my hand and show her my palm. Before her eyes, I change the callused palms into my own, soft and unblemished. “We learned to outsmart the ones we couldn’t fight. We’ve saved dozens of people from unwarranted death and slavery. We fought for the people who couldn’t. No one fought for me when I was six, though. No one saved me…”
My mother, the softest person I’ve ever known, lets out a snarl loud enough that it draws attention to us from the neighboring tables. I can see her jaw clench and her beautiful nails dig into the wooden table. “I saved you, Lee. You and your brother. I left the life I loved to take you to the one place your father would never go. I convinced the King of Flames to shelter us in return for teaching his son. I gave you a powerful friend who still protects you. I do not wield powers that can win battles, but I saved you, Lee. I couldn’t stand in front of Kieran’s wrath, but I could move you to where his wrath couldn’t touch you. Ainslee, do not say no one was there for you because I was. And I would still be if you wanted me in your life.”
I blink as realization washes over me. Her anger makes me take a mental step back. “I’m sorry. You’re right. You were there for us.” What else am I supposed to say? I guess I hadn’t thought about it very hard. My mother has always seemed so weak compared to everyone else I knew in Draenyth. Even some of the Lesser Immortals seemed to be more capable of defending themselves than she is.
“I was going to become the Countess of Light in just a few years, Lee. I walked away from everything I knew and loved to keep you and your brother safe. I’m no warrior, and there’s no doubt that if Kieran had wanted to kill the three of us that night, I couldn’t have stopped him. That’s the way it is. It’s why I left Draenyth as soon as you were of age. I’m not strong enough to have an actual position there, but I kept you both safe until you were old enough to take care of yourselves.
“Remember that I asked you and Darian to come with me. I begged you. Darian almost came, but you refused to leave. No matter what I said, you told me you were staying in Draenyth with Cole, and Darian refused to leave you alone there. So, the two of you stayed, and I left. You were adults. You were free to make your own decisions at that point, and at a certain point, I had to make decisions for myself as well. Maybe I should have stayed longer. Maybe then you would see me as more than… whatever you see me as. Maybe then you’d still want me in your life.”
I pull back and sip the spiced coffee. Vanilla and cinnamon combine with the rich dark bitterness of the drink. It seems to break the intensity of the moment, and my mother sips her coffee as well. The angry outburst feels like it’s done, but the effects linger. She did save us, and to this day, I’ve never fully appreciated what she gave up to do it. She’s always been terrified of Draenyth the same way that I’ve been terrified of the Keep of Light, but she faced that fear. For us.
She’s right that it was the only way to protect us, and she’d done things that most people would consider impossible. How did she manage to convince Casimir to let her tutor Cole? How did she even get an audience with him?
Then I understand. She used the skills she had. She’s the Countess of Light, the leader of the most politically charged, gossip and appearance focused House in all of Nyth. What is gossip except secret information? She is basically the queen of convincing people to do things without using violence.
“I’m sorry, Mother. I’ve been avoiding this place, not you. Selithar and the Keep of Light and all the memories associated with them. I want you in my life. It’s just that every time I come to this city and especially the Keep of Light, it’s like I have to relive all those terrible memories. We had a fantastic conversation last Midsummer when you came to the ball.”
She smiles then. “We did. It was shorter than I’d have liked, but it was nice. And the dress you wore was gorgeous. I still can’t believe that you can afford spellstones to create a dress like that.”
I grin. It’s surprisingly nice that she noticed. I worked so hard to come up with that design since no one in Draenyth is used to working with spellstones from the House of Light. “Cole helped get the supplies,” I admit. “I guess no one cares about Light spellstones, so compared to the Flame ones, they were cheap.”
She huffs. “It still seems crazy that the powers of dead Immortals are infused into clothing so commonly. Whose power were you wearing in that dress? Was it someone I knew?”
It’s a question that I think most Immortals wonder about. A bit of power lingers in the body after an Immortal dies, and the House of Steel has learned to draw that power into tiny beads made of some kind of amalgamation of metals that are then woven into clothing to give them the appearance of those powers. They’re rarely more than illusions of the powers the person had, so they’re not all that useful for anything productive. Instead, they’re almost solely used to decorate clothing, and they come at an astronomical cost since Immortals are… well, immortal.
“I don’t know. I’ve only had a few spellstone dresses made. They’re almost required of anyone in the Great Houses, and since I spend my time with Cole…”
Mother chuckles, and I pause. “You’re basically from a Great House. I know. I’m proud of you, Lee. You know that, don’t you? I worry about you almost constantly, especially with what’s happening in Draenyth now, but I’m proud of you. You’re doing things that no one in my family has ever dreamed of. You’re not acting like you’re from the House of Light. You’re…”
She doesn’t finish her statement, but the words are as clear as a bell.You’re like your father. But I don’t lash out at her after our previous conversation. I simply smile. “Thank you,” I say. No one’s ever complimented me like this, like I’ve done something useful. Cole tells me when I’ve done a good job, but this is more than that. Cole expects me to do what I’m supposed to do. My mother doesn’t expect me to do anything more than the rest of the House of Light has done since the dawn of time: look pretty and entertain.
There’s a silence between us. It makes me more than a little uncomfortable. Her comments ring far too close to what Vellith and Cadence told me in the Keep of Webs. The idea of being more than who I’ve always been is terrifying. I can’t carry the weight of responsibility like Cole or Maeve do. I can’t be the one who makes the hard decisions and accepts the consequences of failure. Or even the consequences of success.
I’ve seen how the last thirty years have eaten at Cole. He used to be the strongest person I ever met, but the last three decades haven’t been kind to him. He feels older now. More fragile. I am nowhere near as strong as Cole was a hundred years ago.
So I do what I’ve always done. I run. I give my mother one last smile and say, “I have a meeting I need to get to, but let’s do this again before I leave Selithar, Mother. I’ve missed you, too, and I apologize for not finding it in me to come see you sooner.”
Her smile lights up the room at my words. “I would love that. Thank you for… hearing me. You’re my only daughter, and you mean the world to me. Please be careful. It’s a dangerous world out there, even for someone as strong as you.”
I drink the rest of my coffee and stand up. “I’ll be safe. I promise. I’ll send a message when I have a bit more time for coffee and catching up.”
She nods, and I walk out of Spice, happy to breathe uncomplicated air again. My mother is a lot of things, but being uncomplicated isn’t one of them.Right. Because everything in my life is so simple.I’m about to go get ready to spend the evening with Rhion, the son of my enemy and a man who has become so much more than a childhood friend. At the same time, Cole and Darian would probably kill him on sight if they knew he was here. No, nothing uncomplicated at all. And yet, I’m diving headfirst into Rhion while running from my mother.
Yes, it’s all so simple. Right.
Chapter 14
A god is not killable in the traditional sense. Remember this, initiate. You may be strong enough to survive a fight with a god, but that’s the most you should ever aspire to do. Survive. And run.
~Rhaskar Thorne, The Third Book of the Priests
Ainslee
The Moonlit Pools isn’t somewhere I’ve ever been before. It isn’t exactly a place for children. Rhion stares at the water in front of us, glowing a deep violet.
