Page 15 of Steeling Light
That had been the question so many times. Why hadn’t I joined in? At the balls. With the fireflies. Ainslee had always danced, and when she’d tried to pull me into one, I’d always pushed back.
“Because I was afraid of what would happen if I’d danced with you,” I say honestly. “You wouldn’t understand. Your powers make you glow. My powers…changeme.”
Ainslee frowns. “I have Steel powers, too. Why would pride ever be an issue with dancing?”
I shake my head slowly. “It wasn’t dancing that I had a problem with. It was dancingwith you. Ainslee, I wanted two things when I was young. To grow up and become the best King of Steel ever born and…”
There are two kinds of lies. The ones we tell the world and the ones we tell ourselves. The ones we tell the world are simple. They escape our lips and become a layer of truth that we must maintain, an onion skin that hides the layer of actual truth. They protect the truth and keep it safe from the world.
Telling a soldier that he’s doing something grander than protecting his lord’s wealth protects his ego, protects your property, and protects the relationship you have.
The lies we tell the world are simple, but the ones we tell ourselves are not. When we tell ourselves a lie, it’s to protect ourselves from the truth.
When a man tells himself he could win a fight even though he is older, slower, and less trained than his opponent, it’s saving himself from the despair of truth. He isn’t his opponent’s equal. So why should his wife look to him for protection? Why should his children look to him for advice? Who wants protection or advice from the second-best option?
A man cannot go through life believing himself lesser. It will be the end of him, so he lies to himself and doesn’t give the world a chance to disprove him.
I stare into Ainslee’s eyes. The emerald green pulls me in, and I do the thing I swore I’d always do. I tell her the truth even if it’s admitting the lie I’ve told myself for so many years.
“I wanted only two things in life. I wanted to become the best King of Steel and to make you happy. I told myself that I’d done that. I told myself that dancing with you, the thing you loved more than anything else in the world, would make you happier than if you danced alone. If that were true, I would lose control, and the Steel power that flows through me would manifest in terrible ways.”
“But I understand Steel powers, Rhion, and there’s no way you’d have hurt me.”
I shake my head. “I thought I’d have embarrassed both of us, but that’s not truly why I was worried. No, I was afraid you would hate dancing with me. I was afraid that instead of making you happy, I’d ruin it, and… And I think that even as a child, that would have broken me.”
Ainslee frowns before she shakes her head. “Rhion, you wouldn’t have ruined anything. You were my friend. You were…” She stops before she says anything more. I know she remembers how close we were, how much she meant to me, but the look in her eyes says something very different.
“Maybe. Maybe not. It doesn’t matter now, though.” I step back, and she lets me go. I stare past her at the Labyrinth long enough that the silence becomes louder than our words had been. The heart-shaped leaves of the vines hanging from the stone walls shake in the same breeze that alerted me to her. The rush of the cool air reminds me of fall in Draenyth, but it’s the beginning of winter, and the air’s barely cold enough to warrant a cloak.
“Well, we have a month in Selithar,” I finally say, breaking that looming silence. “What would you like to do first?”
Ainslee’s smile is a broken thing. Fractured like our friendship and clinging to what it could be rather than what it is, it’s beautiful. It’s so similar to the vines that make their way across the cracked stone. There’s hope there. There’s a spark of life that proves this thing between us isn’t dead. Even after almost a thousand years, the bond between us may have withered, but there’s still a touch of green.
It only takes a moment before she says, “The Hanging Gardens. You said you wanted to be a visitor, to see the sights of Selithar, and everyone sees the Hanging Gardens.”
I know them, though I’ve never been there. “The most romantic getaway for any Immortal?” I ask, and my smile matches hers—fractured and hopeful. “Sounds like an odd first adventure.”
“It’s a walk, and walks have always been a safe thing for us.”
I nod and slowly bow to her with every bit of formality taught to me. When I rise, her eyes are sparkling. “Then I shall see you tomorrow evening, Lady Ainslee, and we will begin our slow exploration of the City of Moonlight.”
“You’re ridiculous. You know that, don’t you?” Her words have a dancing cadence. Staccato, like her footfalls when she’d danced as a child, but they’re sparkling like diamonds on stone.
“I will be whatever you wish me to be. I’m rather good at it,” I say with a smirk, and my face changes in the span of a breath, going from the attractive soldier’s face to an old man, covered in wrinkles with obviously thick laugh-lines along my cheeks.
Then she reaches out and takes my hand again. “No. I want you to be yourself, Rhion. No masks. I need you to do that for me. I can’t see through the changes like you do, and if we’re going to go through this month like when we were children, I need you to be you.”
There are a myriad of reasons not to do that. News of my spending time with Ainslee could reach my father, which would be disastrous. People could recognize me and change the way they act toward us. There’s only one reason to do as she says: because she asked it of me.
“I’ll be whoever you wish,” I repeat.
Then I pull away from her, and without another word, I walk to the entrance of the Labyrinth, knowing that her eyes follow me. I know, better than anyone, how much seeing someone leave will tug at the heartstrings. While I want nothing more than to spend every second for the rest of this month with her, I can’t let myself do that. If I were to allow myself to get lost in her, the inevitable end of the month would come, and I’d be shattered.
The most I can allow myself is what we had as children. Friendship. We can remind each other what it was like to smile without reservation. Anything more is leaping from a cliff and knowing stony ground lies beneath me rather than the water I dream of.
Chapter 10
The Lesser Houses of Selithar were given two directives from the dragons before they became the Thrones: protect the hearts and souls of the people and bring them joy. We have done this by creating the most beautiful place in all of Nyth. The Hanging Gardens is the first of many places of wonder.
