Page 74 of Fighting For You
It’d always been lethally appealing, and nothing had changed on that front. The only difference nowwas in how he’d made his interest known, unlike so long ago, and we’d cleared the air of the things that had piled up between us.
Well, mostly.
I’d already dominated the evening with my breakdown earlier and I didn’t want to ask for a DTR right this second. I just… I wanted him to kiss me. To show me this wasn’t all in my head, that his words were real, and that maybe for once in the history of us, we were on the same page.
“I want you.”
His tone like gravel, the words sent the air from my lungs and all thought from my mind. He’d always been direct.
“But I can’t have you yet.” One of his delicious big hands slipped over and cupped my knee.
“I—I mean, that’s—confusing.” I hadn’t expected such a direct statement let alone the counter to it so instantly, especially when every cell in my body was screamingYes, you can!
“I’m not trying to be. I have nowhere to go with this so I’m saying it out loud.” His gaze, for the first time in a long time, slid away from mine.
I pressed my hand over his and flipped it so I could slip my fingers between his and hold his hand. Our palms sliding together felt almost as intimate as I imagined sliding into clean sheets next to him… vulnerable, charged… and safe.
The thought hit me like an uppercut to the chin and I rocked back a little. I’d always felt raw around him because he knew everything—he knew the depth of my humiliation and how I’d refused to believe him and how Kurt had cast me aside in so many ways.
But now? He had seen me in so many ugly, bare-nakedsituations and he was here. I’d been vulnerable and yet I wasn’t running scared, and neither was he.
Had anyone known me like this, ever?
So the question came naturally to me. “What do you need? How can I… help?”
A low, breathy laugh came out as he leaned back against the couch, and grasped my hand more firmly, bringing it closer and clasping his other hand around it.
“I’ve thought about having you here, to myself, even when I knew I shouldn’t. Even when we hated each other.”
His eyes found mine, one brow raising at my wince, then pulling my hand up to press a kiss to each of my knuckles like the gesture might soothe away the reminder of our past.
“I don’t think we can act like none of that happened. And I’m not saying that’s what we’re doing, but along with it, we’ve got Kurt and…” His Adam’s apple worked through his swallow. “I’m grieving.”
All the fizzing expectation that’d been lingering at the edges of my mind, just out of reach of my fingers, flatlined as my heart sank. “Right. Of course.”
How had I let myself forget? He’d lost the most important person in the world to him, and I’d been flouncing around like the only thing that mattered was how I’d overcome my inability to see him as a real human being?
“I see,” I added, not wanting him to feel like he needed to say more, but knowing I couldn’t stay here if we were just going to keep playing poker and sitting in this tension I would not be able to resist much longer.
Pulling out of his hands, I stood, only to have him tug my hand and stay my movements right as I was even with his legs. “I don’t think you do.”
His hands found my hips and he guided me to standbetween his legs. My pulse raced and my heart tripped around inside my chest, not sure if it was splintering or leaping or just running around like an idiot.
Holding me in place, he spoke again. “I’ve wanted something between us for so long, I can hardly remember a time I didn’t. Even with everything these last few years…” He shook his head, stopping short of whatever he’d started to say. “The point is, I don’t want to rush. I don’t want anything that happens between us to be a reaction to Kurt or to be anything but a purposeful, fully cognizant choice for both of us.”
“And you think if we kiss now, it’ll be because of Kurt? That everything so far has been?” An edge took over as I gave voice to my suspicion.
“No. Not entirely. I guess I just don’t want to sit here and make out on my couch and pretend like everything’s fine when I know you’re upset and sorting through huge things. I don’t want to take advantage of the situation.”
My heart melted a little even as I laughed a disbelieving breath. “Do I seem like I’m being taken advantage of?”
My hands had found their place on his shoulders, body happily still grasped by him. Sure, he could probably subdue me if he tried his best, but I had the advantage in several ways, one of which was that I was absolutely merciless in hand-to-hand combat.
But that wasn’t what he meant, and I knew it. Still, I couldn’t help but be annoyed.
“No.”
“Good.”
