Page 23 of Guarded
That thought was enough to cool my libido.
“It’s hard to answer that question,” Jeremiah said slowly, “because I’m not even sure what I’ve missed out on.”
“What do you mean?”
He clasped his hands on the table. “I’m fifteen hundred years old. Up until I was freed from Hell, I’d spent nineteen days topside.”
No.Surely he didn’t mean… “As in, the longest you were on earth was nineteen consecutive days?”
I was clutching at straws and I knew it. I silently begged Jeremiah to tell me that I was wrong. That he hadn’t spent over a millennium trapped in the most horrific place possible.
“No. Nineteen days total. The longest consecutive period was forty-seven hours.” He stared down at his clasped hands. “Believe it or not, those hours were some of the worst I’ve lived through. For the first time, I was glad to escape back to Hell. Anything to get away from what happened.”
I opened my mouth, but Jeremiah silenced me with a pleading look. “Not here, Noah. Not that story.”
I forced the question down. Fuck. I was starting to get the sense I might have misjudged Jeremiah.
“When we walked out of Hell that day, I was almost crushed by the weight of it,” he said. “That first week was an adjustment. Being able to wake up whenever I wanted. Eat what I chose. Do what I fancied. It was…I’d never experienced anything like that before.”
The ice in my heart thawed a little. I’d figured Jeremiah and I must’ve led similar lives, what with both of us having other beings to answer to. I was quickly realising that hadn’t been the case.
“In some ways it was daunting,” Jeremiah mused. “There was no one handing me a list of orders every morning. No one to torture. No one to punish. Trying to decide what to do, how to spend my time…it was what I’d spent so long dreaming about. Actually doing it though? That was different.”
I knew how he’d spent those first weeks—in and out of bed with as many people as possible. Given what he’d just told me, could I blame him for it?
No. I couldn’t. I think I might’ve done the same thing.
“What did you dream of?” I found myself asking. “What were the fantasies that kept you going on the hard days?”
“Travelling.” His eyes crinkled as he smiled. “Whenever I came topside, I’d never have time for anything aside fromthe mission I’d been given. Naturally, none of my targets were choosing to live anywhere particularly nice.”
“Targets?”
A shadow crossed his face. “Yes. My missions always involved the assassination of supes. The permanent kind.”
Shit.“So even when you came to earth, you weren’t really leaving Hell behind.”
“No.” He sighed. “The only escape I got was when other demons told me about their adventures here. Sometimes I even asked the souls I was torturing to tell me stories.”
“You did?”
He nodded once. “Yeah. I’d exchange an hour of no pain for every story they told me about life on earth. Lots of them took me up on it. I knew it was dangerous to do, but I couldn’t help myself.”
I slid my hand across the table and rested it on his where they were clasped together. “I can imagine.”
“It was all that kept me going. When things got too tough, I’d imagine being up here. Visiting the sights they’d described. Experiencing the different cultures myself. It was a dream I never thought would come true, but one that saved me nonetheless.”
My heart swelled at the thought of him clinging to the idea of something he was so certain he’d never get. It was almost like me and my ludicrous hope for true love. “I’m sorry, Jeremiah.”
“Don’t pity me,” Jeremiah said roughly. “That’s not why I’m telling you this.”
“I know.” I squeezed his hands, trying to ignore how right it felt to touch him. “I’d feel this way about anyone who was in this situation, Jeremiah. Being trapped, feeling like you’ve got no escape…No one should feel that way.”
He unclasped his hands and flipped one so our palmstouched. We weren’t holding hands, just resting them together. “Forgive me, but it sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”
My mind flashed back to Juniper. To how my relationship with Lyle had warped everything connected with my former unit. “I’ve been in a situation where I felt trapped, but the reality was that I was the one keeping myself there. And when the day came when I couldn’t take it anymore, I walked away.”
“I’m sorry you went through that.” His fingers twitched against mine like he was going to lace them together but decided against it. “I’m glad you found the strength to leave. That couldn’t have been easy.”
