Page 106 of Guarded
“I can almost see your brain exploding.” Noah rubbed between my brows with a small smile.
“I can’t believe I never realised that,” I murmured. “All this time, I thought it could’ve ended differently. But it couldn’t.”
“No, it couldn’t.”
“It doesn’t erase the guilt though,” I said heavily. “It makes me feel better knowing it would’ve happened regardless, but that level of loss…I think I’ll always carry it.”
“Which makes sense.” Noah sighed. “I remember every soul I’ve been asked to execute. Their faces will stay with me always.”
“Hang on,you’vebeen told to execute others too?”
Noah smiled grimly. “You weren’t wrong in thinking belonging to a unit removed some of your freedoms. I’ve carried out many missions I haven’t agreed with. Angels and demons are all weapons, the only difference is in the hand that wields us.”
“I hadn’t looked at it that way.”
Noah studied me thoughtfully. “We’re more alike than you realise. It’s okay to feel guilt over what you did, but it’s not okay to let it continue to weigh you down. This life we live as supes…it’s not black and white. We exist in the shades of grey in between. Sometimes we have to do things we’d rather not. Sometimes, we have to prioritise ourselves over others. It’s not selfish, Jem. It’s survival.”
“Well, there’s one thing I can promise you.” I leaned my forehead against his. “I will never prioritise someone else over you. Not even myself.”
His lips curved. “Ditto.”
We stayed like that for a few minutes, just breathing each other in. Then, Noah asked, “Is that the whole nightmare? You tracking them down and killing them?”
I stiffened. I didn’t mind sharing this part with him. It was something I’d admitted already. But I hated thinking about it—the one thing that terrified me above all others. “No, it’s just the start. It used to be all of it, but since I got free of Hell, there’s been a new ending. Once the final shifter is dead, I get overpowered by someone. I never see their face. Whoever it is drags me back down to Hell and throws me at Lucifer’s feet. He looks at me and smirks.
“That’s when I wake up. When I do, all I can see is that fucking smirk. He knows he has me back under his control. That there’s nothing I can do to escape him again.”
“Oh, Jem…” Noah flattened himself against me, his arms tight around my neck. “I’m sorry. That sounds awful.”
“I hate that I’m so scared of it,” I confessed. “Of him. Especially after meeting you. Being down there before was bad enough, but knowing you’re here? Not being able to see or speak to you? It’d kill me, Noah. Maybe not physically, but in every other sense. I’ve survived everything, but I couldn’t survive that.”
“You’ll never have to.”
I tried to smile, but my lips wouldn’t cooperate. “That’s sweet, Noah, but neither of us know what the future holds. All it would take is me pissing off the wrong supe, and I’d be back downstairs before you could stop it.”
Noah studied me again before going to his knees. “Come on. I think we’d best have the rest of this conversation in bed.”
“In bed?”
“Yup.” Noah stood up, rivulets of water cascading through the grooves of his muscles. “Because there’s a message I need to get through your head one way or another. If telling you doesn’t work, maybe fucking it into you will.”
Chapter 27
Noah
Ididn’t say anything to Jem as we dried ourselves off. We didn’t bother with clothes. As far as I was concerned, I’d rested enough. I’d loved our bath, and I’d loved the way we’d both opened up even more.
Now I was ready to reconnect with him in a different way. He was right—what we had wasn’t about sex. I didn’t need to do anything to keep his attention on me. But that didn’t mean I didn’twantto. The fact that Jem had prioritised my well-being over sex meant everything to me.
Before we got to anything physical, I was going to thoroughly lay Jem’s fears to rest. I’d told him once before that I’d never allow him to be trapped in Hell, but either he didn’t believe I was capable of it, or he’d forgotten.
Either way, I was going to remind him. There was absolutely no one—not Lucifer, not even God herself—who was going to imprison my mate.
I would not allow it.
When we were both dry, I led him to my bed. I pushed on his shoulders gently until he took the hint and lay down.
Straddling his waist, I put my hands on his shoulders,pinning him in place. Some of my hair came loose from my bun, falling onto his chest. “Right, Jeremiah.”
