Page 36 of Saving Tracey
I hurt all of the time.
She couldn't help me all of the time.
I was a never-ending ache.
I didn't answer her. We just sat in slightly uncomfortable silence. "Can I see?"
I jumped up from the bed, immediately feeling the need to put some distance between us. She could never see. Never. She couldn't know about the scars that covered me. She couldn't see how I had hurt myself over and over again. She couldn't see the scars that covered my wrists.
I could feel myself panicking. "No, no, no, no.” I shook my head with each word.
She stood up from the bed. I scrambled backward, my back slamming into the wall in my desperation to get away from her. "Tracey, calm down."
I clawed at my chest, sinking to the floor. I was gasping for breath. The pain in my chest was almost unbearable.
I couldn't let her get close. I couldn't let her see.
"Trevor!"She came over to me, but I shoved her away, knocking her onto her ass. I was so afraid she was going to try to see my scars.
They were ugly.
"Move!" Trevor snarled at someone. I didn't know who. I had my eyes squeezed shut tightly.
I couldn't breathe.
Rough hands grasped my face in their hands. I would know those hands anywhere. "Open your eyes and look at me. Tracey, open your fucking eyes and breathe."
My eyes snapped open and latched onto his. "Breathe." He rubbed the pad of his thumbs over my cheeks.
In and out. In and out. In and out.
I did it over and over until I was breathing normally. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I began calming down. He gathered me into his arms, and I clutched his shirt in my hands. "She wanted to see it." I hiccuped.
He knew what I meant. He knew how I felt about my scars. He knew that I was ashamed of them.
He lifted me up wordlessly into his arms, an arm under my back and an arm under my knees. Once he gently placed me on my bed, he spun around to face Krista, clenching his fists. "Are you fucking insane?!" She flinched back from him as tears ran down her cheeks. "You know not to fucking ask about it!"
"I just wanted to see!" She swiped at her cheeks. "I didn't mean to upset her. If I'd known she would react this way, I wouldn't have opened my mouth!"
"You should have been more fucking considerate!"
I pulled the pillow over my face and clutched at my ears, desperately trying to block out their arguing. I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to pretend this never happened.
These panic attacks were fucking ridiculous.
I should be able to handle myself better.
Someone asking to see the worst side of me shouldn't bother me.
But it did.
I wanted to be able to open up to Krista, to show her every dark part of me, but I couldn't. I never wanted to taint her like that. She was such a bright person. She was so lively.
I couldn't drag her into the deepest pit of my darkness.
I listened as Krista left the room, and my bedroom door clicked shut a moment later. Someone moved the pillow from my face, and I looked up at Trevor. He seemed a bit calmer now. "You okay?" He gently ran his fingertips over my cheek.
I blew out a harsh breath.
