Page 27 of Saving Tracey
I shook my head, swallowing hard. "He would have found me.”
I stared down at my fingers, twisting them around in my lap nervously, fear making my gut twist to the point it was painful. I could hear my mom's cries of pain from their bedroom. I winced at each pain-filled sound, knowing he was going to be angry when he came to me.
I knew he was going to hurt me so badly.
I didn't want to be hurt anymore.
I winced when I heard their bedroom door slam closed. The sound of his footsteps bounced off of the walls and echoed off of the hardwood flooring as he came closer and closer to where I was in my bedroom.
I didn't want to be hurt anymore.
"Get up, Tracey." His voice was a low snarl, and it sent fear skittering down my spine.
I shook my head at him. I didn't want to be hurt anymore.
He grabbed my hair and yanked me up from the chair. I screamed in pain, desperately clawing at his hands, trying to get him to let me go.
"Did you just deny me, you stupid little girl?!” Tears streamed down my face. "You know what happens when you deny me!"
"Stop hurting me, or I'll run away!" I was sobbing so hard, my words were almost unintelligible.
He slung me on the floor, and my head slammed against my dresser as he did so, making me cry out in pain. I clutched at my head, feeling the blood trickle between my fingertips. He straddled my hips, wrapping his hands tightly around my throat. The pain in my head now forgotten, I clawed at his hands and wrists, desperately trying to drag some air into my lungs.
"If you dare try to fucking run away from here, ever, I'll fucking kill you, do you understand me?” He leaned his face down close to mine, tightening his hands. “I will hunt you down, and I will slit your fucking throat, and I will laugh in your face as the life leaves your fucking eyes.” Tears of absolute fear streamed down my face as I froze at his words. “You will not leave this house until you are fucking dead!"
I found myself on my bed wrapped in Trevor's arms when I came back to my senses. I screamed in fear and ripped myself from his arms, falling off of the bed. I scrambled away, pressing my back against the wall. My chest rapidly rose and fell, my heart beating too fast.
Trevor held his hands up in a surrendering gesture, and somewhere in my haze-filled brain, I registered that he was trying to show me he wasn’t a threat. He slowly got up from the bed, taking very slow steps toward me. "Tracey, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm Trevor. Just Trevor. You're safe with me, baby; I promise.”
Kaleb burst into the room, and I jumped in fright, my hands immediately coming up to guard my face. "Tracey, you have to calm down." Trevor’s voice wrapped around me like sweet, dark chocolate. "Come on, Tracey, calm down. Put your head between your knees and take deep breaths."
I did as Trevor told me, and eventually, I managed to calm down. I felt someone running their hand over my hair a moment later. I looked up slowly to see Trevor knelt in front of me. "It's all going to be okay, Tracey. You'll get through this." He gave me a moment. “What happened?”
“I—I had a flashback." Fuck, my hands were still shaking.
After sitting down beside me, he slowly wrapped his arms around me, giving me time to get used to it. "It's going to be alright, Tracey.” Kaleb spoke up as I curled into Trevor’s safe embrace, closing my eyes when he tightened his arms around me. “We all knew you would have PTSD.” I flinched, and Trevor squeezed me gently. “Even your counselor told us the signs were there, and flashbacks might eventually occur. It's something you have to work through."
"Tracey, you might need medication,” Miss Brinson stated as she entered my room with a cup of herbal tea. "I, of course, would have to hide your medicine and give your dosage toyou myself, but it might seriously benefit you to talk to your therapist about some kind of medication. That seemed like a very violent flashback, and I don't want you to suffer through your memories."
"How would you feel about medication?" Kaleb asked me as Trevor rubbed my back.
I shrugged. I didn't feel like talking. I just wanted to sit here and draw my strength from Trevor, who was still holding me tight against his chest.
I was scared. I felt like throwing up, and Trevor made me feel just a tiny bit better.
I hated that everything that used to be at my disposal to commit suicide was now gone.
Knives in the kitchen had been hidden. All medications had been moved where I couldn't get to them. I wasn't allowed a razor unless Kaleb's mom or sisters were sitting in the bathroom with me.
In their words, they weren't allowing me to take the easy way out. They wanted me to fight through this and get better.
I felt like I wouldn't ever work through this. I wasn't strong enough to face my demons. I couldn't face what happened to me. I wasn't ready to deal with all of this. It just felt easier to just leave it all behind.
I was broken, and I didn't see any path of healing for myself. My parents had broken me beyond repair.
"Let’s leave them be, Kaleb,” Miss Brinson told her son. “Trevor can help Tracey in a way we can’t.”
I listened, my eyes still closed, as Kaleb and Miss Brinson left the room, shutting my bedroom door behind them. Eventually, there was complete silence in my room besides my and Trevor’s soft breathing. He stayed silent as he held me, leaving me to my thoughts.
